Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread] - Page 531

bigbirdbird · #**7951** 12-09-2017, 04:39 PM

You will die laughing, i am sure.

*Fair Justice*

A man was brought before the judge and charged with NECROPHILIA.. (having sex with a dead person).

The judge told him, "In 20 years on the bench, I've never heard such a disgusting, immoral thing.

Just give me one good reason why I shouldn't lock you up and throw away the jail keys in the toilet?"

The man replied, "I'll give you THREE good reasons:

1. It's none of your damn business;
2. She was my wife; and...
3. I didn't KNOW she was dead, she ALWAYS acted that way!"

The case was dismissed and the judge announced the following warnings:

For the ladies::
PLEASE TRY TO MOVE A LITTLE DURING THE ACT.

For the guys:
IF THERE IS NOT MUCH MOVEMENT, STOP IMMEDIATELY AND CHECK IF SHE IS ALIVE ....!!!

Case dismissed!😂😂😉😉😜😜

DaRoughy · #**7952** 12-09-2017, 11:09 PM

Very good jokes, thanks!!

bigbirdbird · #**7953** 13-09-2017, 08:30 PM

A Man offers whisky to a woman who happens to sit next to him alone in a bar counter.
Woman: "No thanks. I don't take alcohol. It's bad for my legs. "
Man: "Legs ? That's strange !!! Do they swell, hurt or what ? "
Woman: "No ! They open easily !!! "
😅😂🤣

☆ Have A Wonderful Night ☆ 🤗

diputs1269 · #**7954** 13-09-2017, 08:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

A Man offers whisky to a woman who happens to sit next to him alone in a bar counter.
Woman: "No thanks. I don't take alcohol. It's bad for my legs. "
Man: "Legs ? That's strange !!! Do they swell, hurt or what ? "
Woman: "No ! They open easily !!! "
😅😂🤣

☆ Have A Wonderful Night ☆ 🤗

Really love this wonderful joke.....UPZ.

Moorthi · #**7955** 13-09-2017, 09:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

A Man offers whisky to a woman who happens to sit next to him alone in a bar counter.
Woman: "No thanks. I don't take alcohol. It's bad for my legs. "
Man: "Legs ? That's strange !!! Do they swell, hurt or what ? "
Woman: "No ! They open easily !!! "
😅😂🤣

☆ Have A Wonderful Night ☆ 🤗

Hahaha this is a very good one

cupid xpress · #**7956** 13-09-2017, 09:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

A Man offers whisky to a woman who happens to sit next to him alone in a bar counter.
Woman: "No thanks. I don't take alcohol. It's bad for my legs. "
Man: "Legs ? That's strange !!! Do they swell, hurt or what ? "
Woman: "No ! They open easily !!! "
😅😂🤣

☆ Have A Wonderful Night ☆ 🤗

LOL....
Thanks brother...

gogodown · #**7957** 14-09-2017, 12:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

A Man offers whisky to a woman who happens to sit next to him alone in a bar counter.
Woman: "No thanks. I don't take alcohol. It's bad for my legs. "
Man: "Legs ? That's strange !!! Do they swell, hurt or what ? "
Woman: "No ! They open easily !!! "
😅😂🤣

☆ Have A Wonderful Night ☆ 🤗

Wtf this is joke of the year!! Thanks bro

madpig88 · #**7958** 14-09-2017, 07:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

A Man offers whisky to a woman who happens to sit next to him alone in a bar counter.
Woman: "No thanks. I don't take alcohol. It's bad for my legs. "
Man: "Legs ? That's strange !!! Do they swell, hurt or what ? "
Woman: "No ! They open easily !!! "
😅😂🤣

☆ Have A Wonderful Night ☆ 🤗

This is damn funny, thanks so much bro!

ah rat · #**7959** 14-09-2017, 04:58 PM

A boss has to interview 4 girls for a secretary position.....He asked the same question to each one of them.

Boss: "A woman normally has lips in 2 different places. What's the difference between the two?

First Girl: "One is hairy, the other isn't. "
Boss: "OK.. good!"

Second Girl: "One can talk but the other can't ".... Boss: "That's better!"

Third Girl: "One is vertical & the other is horizontal" Boss: "Hmm.. clever!"

Last Girl: "One is for me & the other is for my Boss ".
Boss: "You are hired!!!

water_boi · #**7960** 15-09-2017, 05:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ah rat

A boss has to interview 4 girls for a secretary position.....He asked the same question to each one of them.

Boss: "A woman normally has lips in 2 different places. What's the difference between the two?

First Girl: "One is hairy, the other isn't. "
Boss: "OK.. good!"

Second Girl: "One can talk but the other can't ".... Boss: "That's better!"

Third Girl: "One is vertical & the other is horizontal" Boss: "Hmm.. clever!"

Last Girl: "One is for me & the other is for my Boss ".
Boss: "You are hired!!!

what?? no show neh neh?? nice joke bro..

madpig88 · #**7961** 15-09-2017, 07:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ah rat

A boss has to interview 4 girls for a secretary position.....He asked the same question to each one of them.

Boss: "A woman normally has lips in 2 different places. What's the difference between the two?

First Girl: "One is hairy, the other isn't. "
Boss: "OK.. good!"

Second Girl: "One can talk but the other can't ".... Boss: "That's better!"

Third Girl: "One is vertical & the other is horizontal" Boss: "Hmm.. clever!"

Last Girl: "One is for me & the other is for my Boss ".
Boss: "You are hired!!!

Very nice joke, thanks bro.

bigbirdbird · #**7962** 15-09-2017, 08:32 AM

The new school year started and the grade school teacher wanted some students to tell a brief story about summer vacation.

Several students eagerly raised their hands including Little Johnny. The teacher asked Alice to tell a story.

"We took a trip to the Grand Canyon during vacation" Alice said. "We rode donkeys down a steep trail to the bottom of the canyon, it was fun."

The teacher asked for another volunteer, several students eagerly raised their hands including little Johnny. She was afraid to call on little Johnny because he swore a lot in last years classroom. The teacher chose Fred to tell a story.

"My Dad and I went on a fishing trip way out in the country. We stopped at a small pond, I cast my lure into the pond and caught the biggest trout we'd ever seen! We started a campfire and cooked the trout, it was great!" Fred reported.

"That nice Fred, now how about another volunteer". Several students were waving their hands.

The teacher felt sorry for Little Johnny and wanted to give him another chance.

"My Dad and I went on a deer hunting trip. We saw a huge 18 point buck in the field, my Dad aimed and shot it right in the asshole" Little Johnny said.

The teacher was mad, "Johnny you mean rectum" she said.

"Wrecked 'im, you bet it wrecked 'im...shot his balls clean off."

bigbirdbird · #**7963** 15-09-2017, 08:33 AM

One day, during English class, Miss Figpot asked her class, "who can tell me the meaning of indifferent?"

The class fidgets a little, and they all look at one another. No one knows. Finally, Little Johnny sticks up his hand.

The teacher, hesitant to call on him because of his propensity for foul language and sexual inuendo, looks for another student to ask. Finally when no one else raises their hand, she says, "yes, Johnny?"

"Miss Figpot, it's means lovely."

Relieved, but a little puzzled, the teacher says, "Johnny, can you explain why you think indifferent means lovely?"

"Sure, teach. Last night when I was in bed, I heard Mom say, 'that's lovely'. Dad replied to her, 'Yep, it's in different.'"

VOGS · #**7964** 15-09-2017, 08:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

A Man offers whisky to a woman who happens to sit next to him alone in a bar counter.
Woman: "No thanks. I don't take alcohol. It's bad for my legs. "
Man: "Legs ? That's strange !!! Do they swell, hurt or what ? "
Woman: "No ! They open easily !!! "
😅😂🤣

☆ Have A Wonderful Night ☆ 🤗

Nice sharing

etsys · #**7965** 20-09-2017, 08:56 AM

For those who Follow UK Politics and know the Left Leaning Labour ..

Jeremy Corbyn called John McDonnell into his office one day and said, "John, I have a great idea ! We're going to go out and win back Middle England."

"Good idea Jeremy, how will we go about it." said McDonnell.

"Well," said Corbyn, "we'll get ourselves two of those long Barbour coats, some proper Hunter wellies, a stick and a flat cap - oh and a black Labrador. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a nice old country pub in Much Something in the Other, and we'll show that we really enjoy the countryside and Middle England."

"Right comrade." says McDonnell.

So, a few days later, all kitted out with requisite Labrador at heel, they set off.

Eventually, they arrived in a quiet village and found a lovely pub and with the dog, went up to the bar.

"Good evening Landlord, two pints of your best ale, from the wood please." says Corbyn.

"Good evening Jeremy." says the Landlord - "Two pints of the best coming up."

Corbyn and McDonnell stood leaning on the bar contemplating taking over the country, nodding now and then to those who came in for a drink, whilst the dog lay quietly at their feet.

Suddenly the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old shepherd complete with crook. He walked up to the Labrador, lifted its tail with his crook, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and went back to the other bar.

A few moments later, in came a wizened old farmer who followed the same procedure, to the bewilderment of Corbyn and McDonnell.

People of all ages and gender followed suit over the next hour.

Eventually, unable to stand it any longer, McDonnell called the landlord over.

"Tell me, my man," said McDonnell, "Why do all these people come and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old country custom?"

"Good Lord no," said the landlord. "It's just that someone has told them that there is a Labrador in here with two @rseh*les.