Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[~oyster~]

Restroom etiqutte

During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:

"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."

The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."

Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."

The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word "toilet" during a meal, is unpleasant."

And Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner."

[~oyster~]

Fun with cops

Ask him what he is doing out so late.
Ask the cop if you can use his pepper spray to "spice up" your takeout.
Draw happy faces on all the pages in his ticket book.
Ask if his bulletproof vest would protect him from projectile vomiting.
Ask him if you can take his squad car out for a joy ride.
When he ask you for your licence say, "Oh sure officer, could you just hold my beer."
Explain speeding with, "See officer, I was driving along when I dropped my bag of crack. I tried to pick it up but, when I did, my gun fell and jammed my foot against the gas pedal."
When he walks up to you have the radio full blast, look forward without saying a word and breathe in and out very loudly.
When he ask you to walk the straight line, "Riverdance" instead.
When he asks you to say your alphabet backwards count backwards from ten instead.
Lie on the ground and ask him to draw your outline in chalk.
Tell him you wanted to be a cop but decided to graduate high school instead.
Try to bribe him with chucky cheese tokens.
Try to bribe him with one-dollar bills. When he declines, remind him that "with 10-10-220 you can get all calls up to twenty minutes for 99 cents."
Take his nightstick and play whack-a-mole with his head.
Pay all your ticket fines with pennies.
Take his flashlight and play flashlight tag with yourself.
When he walks up to you, look at his gut and say "I thought you had to be physically fit to be a cop."
Ask him how many donuts he can eat in one minute. Ask him to prove it.
Say to him, "Don't cheek the trunk. Nope, nothing in there. Scout's honor."
When he asks you to explain why you were going so fast, tell him that you were going to Dunkin' Donuts and you know he'll understand.
When the cop is talking to you, ignore him and roll your window up and down while looking amazed that it does that.
Ask him if you can play cops and robbers.
Call his dog Admiral, regardless of what its real name is.
Throw the cop's nightstick and tell Admiral to go fetch.
Tell him that the wee little leprechauns made you do it.
When he tries to open the door taunt him by locking the door when he tries to open it, then unlocking it when he looks away. Repeat this several times.
When he walks up to your car-put your hands on your face and mutter, "If I don't see you I can't get a ticket."
When he tells you to put your hands on the hood, walk to his car and put your hands on his hood.
Say to him "Darn, you must of been goin' realluy fast to keep up with me!"
Tell him you were testing to law of perpetual motion when the escape vector was off causing Philbin's law to take effect...
When he asks you to touch your nose, poke yourself in the eye and start acting like Curly from the Three Stooges.
Keep his pen.
If they put you in the back of the squad car, sing, “Mary Had a Little Lamb” loudly and obnoxiously over and over all the way to the Police Dept.
Instead of pleading the fifth admendment plead the 13th or the 18th Instead.
Say “Could you tighten these cuffs? My hands don't hurt yet.”

[BaliHai]

A guy and a girl are having sex when they both say, "I'm really hungry and thirsty too." It was freakin' freezing in the house so they both have an argument over who should go get the food and drink.

After a while they decide to have a contest. Whoever can come up with the best poem would be the one to stay in bed.

They both think for a while when the guy says, "Okay, I got one. Two times two is four plus five is nine, I can pee in yours but you can't pee in mine."

So she thinks for a minute and says, "Okay, two times two is four plus five is nine, I know the length of yours but you'll never know the depth of mine."

[~oyster~]

Mounted Police

There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when Little Johnny, on his new shiny bike, stopped beside him.

"Nice bike," the cop said, "did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep," Little Johnny said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked at the bike and, while handing the boy a $20 ticket, he said "Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it."

To which Little Johnny replied, "nice horse you got their sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yea, He sure did," said the cop.

Looking up at the cop, with the most serious little boy tone, Johnny retorted, "Next year tell Santa to put the weiner underneath the horse instead of on top of it!" and peddled off down the road.

[Roman city]

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend, he comments, “You look terrible. What’s the problem?” “My mother died in June, and left me $10,000.” said the friend. “Gee, that’s tough,” he replied. “Then in July,” the friend continued, “My father died, leaving me $50,000.” The man looking concerned says, “Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.” The friend continues, “And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.” “Three close family members lost in three months??? How sad!!!” “Then this month…” continued, the friend, “Nothing! Not a single dime!”

[Roman city]

A woman walks up to an old man sitting in a chair on his porch. “I couldn’t help but notice how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long, happy life?” “I smoke three packs a day, drink a case of beer, eat fatty foods, and never, ever exercise,” he replied. “Wow, that’s amazing,” she said, “How old are you?” “Twenty-six.”

[ilovelife.now]

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.

The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.

"Breast fed," the woman replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.

Motioning for her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight! You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came."

[66cccc66]

Nosey Question

A few years ago a gentleman who had lost his nose was invited out to a tea party.

"My dear," said the old lady of the house to her little daughter, "I want you to be very particular and make no remarks about Mr. Jenkins' nose.

Gathered around the table, everything was going well; the child peeped about, looking rather puzzled, and at last startled the table:

"Ma, why did you tell me to say nothing about Mr. Jenknis' nose? He doesn't have one!"

[66cccc66]

Beware of Dog

A stranger is about to enter a little country store when he sees a sign reading, "DANGER, BEWARE OF DOG" posted on the glass door. Inside, he notices a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.

"Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" he asks the owner.

"Yep, that's him," the man replies.

The stranger snickers. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

[66cccc66]

Just a Prototype

A woman died and was sent to heaven.

One day while she was walking around on the clouds of heaven she saw God. She walked towards him and she stopped to talk to him.

She only wanted to ask one question of him.

So she asked, "Why did you create man before women?"

God looked down on her, placed his hand on her head and explained, "Every good design needs a rough draft!"

[Cum_Luver]

kumsia kumsia all for sharing their jokes here.
they are all very good.
keep them cumming.

[~oyster~]

Short lawyer jokes

Where Do Lawyers Come From?
An anxious 15 year old girl comes home from school, as any other day, though today she has a burning question. Mom, she asks tentatively, can you get pregnant from anal sex? "Don't be silly sweetheart, of course you can." replies her mother, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"

Question and Answer Lawyer Jokes
Q:What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A: One in 50,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q: What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
A: Their personalities.

Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Take your foot off it's head.

Q: What's the difference between a Catfish and a lawyer?
A: One is a scum sucking bottom dweller, and the other is a fish.

Divorce Lawyers After Work
Two highly successful (female) divorce lawyers were having a few drinks at a bar when a young, incredibly handsome man walked past. Squirming in her chair, one of the ladies blurted out "I'd sure like to screw him!" To which the other replied "Out of what?"

[~oyster~]

Code of ethics

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined." "It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.

"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"

"Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge." Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.

As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!"

"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them" said the lawyer.

"But, I did send them" said the defendant.

"What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously. "Yes. That's how we won the case." "I don't understand," said the lawyer.

"It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."

[~oyster~]

Stop or slow down ?

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriffs Deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputies expense.

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign"

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Deputy says, "The difference is you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."

Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving snot out of the lawyer and says "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

[~oyster~]

A petty thief , a teacher and a lawyer

A petty thief, a teacher and a lawyer die and go to heaven.

When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who then says, "Sorry, heaven's crowding up, so you need to answer a question correctly, or else you can't get in."

He looks at the teacher, and asks her: "What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?" "Oh, that's easy," the teacher replied, "the Titanic." So St. Peter let her into heaven.

Next he turned to the petty thief. "How many people died on that ship?" St. Peter asked. "Oooh, that's tough, but I saw the movie, and it was 1, 500." St. Peter stepped away and the thief walked into heaven.

Finally, St. Peter turned to the lawyer. He simply said to him: "Name them."