Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[A Red Devils]

A Singapore English radio station, was holding a live radio segment at a shopping mall. The DJ was hosting a game show where prizes were given away to kids on stage if they could name the opposite gender of animals. The first kid to come on stage was a girl. "What's your name girl & how old are you?"

"My name is Cheryl & I am 8 years old."

"OK, tell me Cheryl, what is the opposite of cow?" "Bull."

"Very good! That's correct. Now here's a Barbie doll for you. Ladies & gentlemen, please give her a round of applause."

The game then continued for the next 15 minutes in a similar fashion with the kids getting all the simple questions correct until it was time for the 10th kid to come on stage. The audience were very impressed with this kid as he was very clever & articulate from the moment he stepped on stage, before being asked, announced, "My name is Johnny. I am 7 years old and I like English, Math & Art. My hobbies are collecting stamps & stickers."

The audience liked him immediately because of his confidence & had started to clap for him. His parents, standing right in front of the stage, were beaming with pride at how smart their son was.

"OK, Johnny, you should know the answer to this question very well. Close 2 eyes also can answer. Tell me, what is the opposite of cock?"

The young boy paused for a moment, scratched his head, moved closer to the microphone & finally answered proudly, "Chee Bai!"

[A Red Devils]

During the Wu Han Dynasty, the imperial court had an articles of tribute which included a glass of wine that was supposed to give the drinker eternal life. One day, a guy named Dongfang Shuo drank some of the wine thinking that nobody had seen him. Unfortunately, the King learnt about his act and was furious. He decided to put Dongfang Shuo to death.

Dongfang Shuo pleaded the King: "My Lord, the wine I drank was supposed to give me eternal life. That means I wouldn't die even if you kill me. If I should die, then the wine is not the real wine of eternal life."

The King was amused by what Dongfang Shuo said and he pardoned him.

[A Red Devils]

Two Chinese women were sitting in a bar when they saw two guys fighting over which culture is smartest. When the women heard this they went over and the first lady said," We know a way to figure out which culture is the smartest."

The second lady answered, "Yes we do. The way you figure it out is by seeing which culture uses the less utensils in eating." The men quickly agreed to listen to the women.

The first lady said," Well the Indians use their hands to eat but their hands have five fingers each so they use ten utensils to eat. They aren't the smartest so next come the Americans. They use a fork but there are four tongs on the fork, so they use four utensils. Now come the Chinese. We use chopsticks and there are only two sticks so we are the smartest."

As the lady finished the men sat puzzled for a second then agreed that Chinese were the smartest.

As they left, the second lady said to the first, "That was a good way to get a date and them thinking that we are the smartest."

That teaches us that Chinese are the smartest culture.

[A Red Devils]

A Chinese man arranged for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undressed, climbed into bed, and went at it. When finished, the Chinese man jumped up, ran over to the window, took a deep breath, dove under the bed, climbed out the other side, jumped back into bed with the hooker and commenced a repeat performance.

The hooker was impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished, the Chinese man jumped up, ran over to the window, took a deep breath, dove under the bed, climbed out the other side, jumped back into bed with the hooker and started again!

The hooker was amazed at this sequence. During the fifth encounter, she decided to try it herself. When they were done she jumped up, went to the window and took a deep breath of fresh air, dove under the bed to find 4 other Chinese men.

[BaliHai]

A woman is enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening.

"Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to really be ticked if it's not ready on time."

When she gets home, she realizes she doesn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up.

She greets her husband and then watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband is really enjoying his dinner.

"Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day."

Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified. "You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died.

The woman were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was licking his ass!"

[BaliHai]

Before And After Marriage


Before - You take my breath away.
After - I feel like I'm suffocating.

Before - Twice a night.
After - Twice a month.

Before - She loves the way I take control of a Situation.
After - She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac.

Before - Ricky & Lucy.
After - Fred & Ethel.

Before - Saturday Night Live.
After - Monday Night Football.

Before - He makes me feel like a million dollars.
After - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done...

Before - Don't Stop.
After - Don't Start.

Before - The Sound of Music.
After - The Sound of Silence.

Before - Is that all you are eating?
After - Maybe you should just have a salad, honey.

Before - Wheel of Fortune.
After - Jeopardy.

Before - It's like living a dream.
After - It's a nightmare.

Before - $60/dozen.
After - $1.50/stem.

Before - Turbo charged.
After - Needs a jump-start.

Before - We agree on everything!
After - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

Before - Victoria's Secret.
After - Fruit of the Loom.

Before - Feathers & handcuffs.
After - Ball and chain.

Before - Idol.
After - Idle.

Before - He's lost without me.
After - Why can't he ask for directions?

Before - When together, time stands still.
After - This relationship is going nowhere.

Before - Croissant and cappuccino.
After - Bagels and instant coffee.

Before - Oysters.
After - Fish sticks.

Before - I can hardly believe we found each other.
After - How the hell did I end up with someone like you?

[bakylotus]

People want the front of the bus, back of
the church and the centre of attention!

[bakylotus]

A father was approached by his young son
who told him proudly, 'I know what the Bible
means'.

The father smiled and replied, 'What do you
mean you know the Bible?'

'That's easy, Daddy', the boy replied excitedly,
'It means, Basic Information Before Leaving Earth'.

[bakylotus]

ENGLISH DEPTH!


Those who jump off a bridge in Paris and in Seine.

A backward poet writes inverse.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mitress just to break the monogamy.

Dancing cheek to cheek is really a form of floor play.

Condoms should be used for every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egoists meet, its and I for and I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because its two tired.

What is the definition of a will? Its a dead giftaway.

[Ehiku]

A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest. She lies down on the bed… just then, and elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she’s thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she’s pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he’ll be right up. The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true.

“Look… lie here on the bed – you’ll be thrown right to the floor!”

So he lies down next to the wife. Just then the husband walks in. “What,” he says, “are you doing here?”

The manager calmly replies, “Would you believe I’m waiting for a train?”

[Ehiku]

A man goes into a restaurant and orders soup. When the waiter brings out the bowl he has his thumb stuck in the soup, but the customer decides to let it go.

“Would you like anything else?” the waiter inquires. “We have some very good roast beef today.” “Sounds good,” says the customer. So the waiter goes off and comes back with a plate of roast beef, and his thumb is in the gravy. The customer is getting pissed now, but decides to hold his tongue.

“How about some hot apple pie?” asks the waiter. “Fine,” says the customer. The waiter returns with his thumb stuck in the pie. Now the customer is really getting furious.

“Coffee?” asks the waiter, and when the customer nods yes, he hurries off. He returns with his thumb stuck in the cup of coffee. By now the customer can no longer restrain himself.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing? Every time you’ve come to the table you’ve had your thumb stuck in my food!” “I’ve got an infection and my doctor told me to keep my thumb in a hot, moist place.” “Why don’t you just stick it up your ass?” “Where do you think I put it when I’m in the kitchen?”

[Ehiku]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, “My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor.” “Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Mike replies. “There’s a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer’ll tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars…a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor.”

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant…twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

[Ehiku]

(try using one of these the next time you are out of office)

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.
Be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office.
If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.

3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April.
Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order It was received.

4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5.99 for the first ten Words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.

5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message.
Please restart your computer and try sending again.

6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system… You are Currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 13 weeks.

7. I’ve run away to join a different circus.

8. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons…
When I return, Please refer to me as ‘ Margaret ‘ instead of ‘Steve’.

9. Due to inappropriate contents in your email, please notice that this email is forwarded to the nearest police station.

10. This message will explode in 5 seconds… Good luck, Mr. Hunt…

11. How many times should I tell you ??? I received your mail already, please stop sending this mail. It is 435 times already !!!

12. Mail server is not responding. The function cause illegal function call at logical memory address bank.
Please restart your computer and try to resend the mail. If the problem persist, please contact your email database administrator.

13. Thank you for sending me an email. Currently I am experiencing high volume email to be answered. Please try to send back later.

14. Wrong address, sorry !

15. This email is rejected due to missing stamps.

[Ehiku]

A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local newspaper read: PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local newspaper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back them donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES…HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day….

The moral of the story is…. Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery … and even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life….. You’ll be a lot happier and live longer!

[Ehiku]

Mori and Clinton

This is a true story from the Japanese Embassy in US!!!

A few years ago, Prime Minister Mori was given some basic English conversation training before he visits Washington and meets president Bill Clinton…

The instructor told Mori Prime Minister, when you shake hand with President Clinton, please say ‘how r u’.
Then Mr.Clinton should say, “I am fine, and you?” Now, you should say ‘me too’. Afterwardswards we, translators, will do the work for you.”

It looks quite simple,but the truth is…

When Mori met Clinton, he mistakenly said
“Who r u?” (instead of “How r u?”. )

Mr Clinton was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor:
“Well, I’m Hillay’s husband, ha-ha…”

Then Mori replied
“me too, ha-ha..”.

Then there was a long silent in the meeting room