Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Nov4]

What should I do to marry a rich guy?

I'm going to be honest of what I'm going to say here. I'm 25 this year. I'm very pretty, have style and good taste. I wish to marry a guy with $500k annual salary or above. You might say that I'm greedy, but an annual salary of $1M is considered only as middle class in New York. My requirement is not high. Is there anyone in this forum who has an income of $500k annual salary? Are you all married? I wanted to ask: what should I do to marry rich persons like you? Among those I've dated, the richest is $250k annual income, and it seems that this is my upper limit. If someone is going to move into high cost residential area on the west of New York City Garden (?), $250k annual income is not enough.

I'm here humbly to ask a few questions:
1) Where do most rich bachelors hang out? (Please list down the names and addresses of bars, restaurant, gym)
2) Which age group should I target?
3) Why most wives of the riches is only average-looking? I've met a few girls who doesn't have looks and are not interesting, but they are able to marry rich guys
4) How do you decide who can be your wife, and who can only be your girlfriend? (my target now is to get married)

Ms. Pretty

Awesome reply:
Dear Ms. Pretty,

I have read your post with great interest. Guess there are lots of girls out there who have similar questions like yours. Please allow me to analyse your situation as a professional investor. My annual income is more than $500k, which meets your requirement, so I hope everyone believes that I'm not wasting time here. From the standpoint of a business person, it is a bad decision to marry you. The answer is very simple, so let me explain. Put the details aside, what you're trying to do is an exchange of "beauty" and "money": Person A provides beauty, and Person B pays for it, fair and square. However, there's a deadly problem here, your beauty will fade, but my money will not be gone without any good reason. The fact is, my income might increase from year to year, but you can't be prettier year after year. Hence from the viewpoint of economics, I am an appreciation asset, and you are a depreciation asset. It's not just normal depreciation, but exponential depreciation. If that is your only asset, your value will be much worried 10 years later.

By the terms we use in Wall Street, every trading has a position, dating with you is also a "trading position". If the trade value dropped we will sell it and it is not a good idea to keep it for long term - same goes with the marriage that you wanted. It might be cruel to say this, but in order to make a wiser decision any assets with great depreciation value will be sold or "leased". Anyone with over $500k annual income is not a fool; we would only date you, but will not marry you. I would advice that you forget looking for any clues to marry a rich guy. And by the way, you could make yourself to become a rich person with $500k annual income. This has better chance than finding a rich fool.

Hope this reply helps. If you are interested in "leasing" services, do contact me...

signed,
J.P. Morgan

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[Nov4]

Sex Education

Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtain one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnny described everything to his mother.

Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as good as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.

He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis told him that she was really HOT.

Finally, I found out what was making them so sick.... a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 9 inches long. HONEST! Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it she got really scared. Her eyes got big and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake! "Anyway," sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go... I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again.

Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it. And he helped by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them.

After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel... I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went on courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. And by golly, the eel wasn't dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats.... they have nine lives or something.

This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about 35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet.

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[Nov4]

No idea what to call this joke

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.
Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.
"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.
"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbours'
Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and
before he could say "FUCK OFF!", the dog ate him!"

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[Nov4]

Teaching Your Kid

Little Johnny and his father were walking down the street one day, and two ladies bumped into one another in front of them.
The one lady looked at the other and slapped her across the face. "You bitch," yelled the one lady.
Stunned, the lady that was slapped yelled out, "You bag."
Little Johnny, never heard those words before, turns to his dad. "Dad, what are bags and bitches?"
"Oh, that's just another name for women," replied his dad.
"Oh, okay," said Johnny.
The two make it home and Little Johnny follows his dad up to the washroom to watch his daddy shave.
While shaving, Little Johnny's dad cuts himself. "Oh shit," he said.
"Daddy, what's shit?" asked Little Johnny.
"Oh, that's just another name for shaving your self," replied his father.
Bored, Little Johnny wanders downstairs to find his mother cooking a turkey. As his mother reached into the oven, she burnt her hand. "Fuck!" she yells.
"Mom, what's fuck?" questionned Johnny.
"That's just another word for cooking the turkey."
"Oh, I get it," said Johnny.
All of a sudden, the doorbell rings. "I'll get it!" yells Johnny as he runs to the door. He then opened the door to find a group of old ladies standing outside.
"Hello young man. Are you parents home?" asked the front lady.
"Hello bags and bitches. My dad's upstairs shitting himself and my mom's downstairs fucking the turkey."

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[Nov4]

Best Engine

A notable gynaecologist once said,

"The best engine in the world is the vagina.
It can be started with one finger.
It is self-lubricating.

It takes any size piston.
And it changes its own oil every four weeks.
It is only a pity that the management system is so fucking
temperamental."

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[BaliHai]

Ethel was a bit of a speed demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel, and getting up maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Goofy Gordon stepped out with his arm outstretched.

"STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. Have you got a license for that thing?".

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper, and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Wally popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up to him.

Harold nodded and said "Carry on, ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with a very sizable erection.

"Oh, Crap" cried Ethel, "not the Breathalyzer again"

[BaliHai]

Ever wonder how the seven dwarfs got their names?

Miss Snow White was a randy cow,
And desperate for a fuck.
So off she went into the woods,
To try and get some luck!

She'd almost given up looking,
When she saw some chimney smoke.
Then stumbled on a cottage,
And went in for a poke.

Her clothes came off in seconds.
And she'd just removed her pants,
When seven Dwarfs came marching in,
With a merry song and dance.

Snow White just stood there speechless,
And thought she was in heaven!
Originally after one good shag,
But now she could have seven.

Straight away she took command,
"My cunt now needs a lick!"
And when one dwarf moved forward,
She said "Oi-you'd better drop you prick!"

So down he went onto all fours,
And said "I ain't licking that!"
"Not there, that me ass-hole,
You DOPEY little brat!"

The next dwarf started blushing,
"Do we have to do it here?"
Snow White said "Don't be BASHFUL!
Unless you're fucking queer!"

So reluctantly he whipped it out,
To prove he was no fool.
And Snow White gave a big "Heigh-Ho"
As she rode upon his tool.

Now one dwarf wasn't smiling,
'Cos he hadn't had a sniff.
And due to his impatience,
He couldn't raise a stiff.

"Relax, you GRUMPY idiot",
So he did as he was told.
And as soon as he was hard enough,
He shot his fucking load.

The next dwarf got a blow
And she took him in quite easy.
But she just avoided brain-damage,
When he sneezed, she called him SNEEZY.

With three dwarves left, she turned and said,
"You're next, I want your knob!"
But no sooner had he entered her,
Than he was sleeping on the job.

"Wake up you SLEEPY idiot"
She wanted more from him.
And he woke with such excitement,
That he filled her hairy qirm.

The next dwarf rammed his up her,
And shagged her cunt raw.
And dazed Snow White then whimpered,
"That should be against the law!"

He made poor Snow White tremble,
He was so big and thick.
"No wonder you're so HAPPY,
With that fucking great big dick."

With one dwarf still remaining,
But feeling rather sore,
She said "You'll have to use your tongue,
My cunt can't take no more.!"

And so he put his tongue to work,
Where others had put their cocks.
And 'cos he made Snow White feel better,
She named the last one DOC.

Now Snow White couldn't do much,
With all that cum inside her quim,
So she grabbed a cup, and squatted,
And filled it to the brim.

So there's the truth about the dwarfs,
And how they got their names,
By satisfying miss Snow White,
And joining in her games.

There's one more thing you need to know,
And that's what happened to that cup?
Well think of what you're drinking...
When you next buy 7-UP

[BaliHai]

A gent from Keokuk, Iowa was visiting Atlantic City on a convention for the first time and ran into one of the hookers while walking the boardwalk.

When she offerd a fun time he responded, "How much?" And she replied, "Twenty bucks."

He said, thinking it was a good deal, "OK" and followed her down under,the boardwalk, and had his way with her.

The next night, he's out looking for the same hooker, finds her and they once again go under the boardwalk, only this time while he's banging her, she blasts two incredible hugh farts.

When they're done, he hands her $25.

The woman says, "Why the extra five?"

He happily tells her, "That's for blowing the sand off my ass!”

[BaliHai]

Classic Definitions and Cool Meanings

Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other.

Love affairs: Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either".

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine water-power .

Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.

Classic: A book which people praise, but does not read.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.

Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Opportunist: A person who starts taking a bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says midway "See I am not injured yet."

Pessimist: A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

Computer Engineer: Someone who gets paid for reading these types of mails.

[BaliHai]

A married man thought he would give his wife a birthday surprise by buying her a bra. He entered a ladies shop rather intimidated, but the girls took charge to help him.

"What color?" they asked. He settled for white.

"How much does it cost?" he asked.

"Twenty dollars."

"Very good," he thought. All that remained was the size, but he hadn't the faintest idea.

"Now sir, are they the size a pair of melons? Coconuts?

Grape fruits? Oranges?"

"No," he said, "nothing like that."

"Come on, sir, think. There must be something your wife's bust resembles."

He thought long and hard and then looked up and said, "Have you ever seen a Spaniel's ears?"

[DOM Sanni]

Sex .. is boring
Incest .. is relatively boring
Necrophilia .. is dead boring

[Toastmaster]

A customer at the Tesco's fresh fish counter marvelled at the fishmonger's quick wit and intelligence.

"Tell me, Fishmonger, what makes you so brainy?"

"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," the fishmonger replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. "Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."

"You sell them here?" the customer asks.

"Only £2 a piece," he says

The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.

"You didn't eat enough, " said the fishmonger. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.

"Hey you," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for £2 apiece when I can buy the whole fish for a £1. You're ripping me off!"

"You see?" said the Fishmonger. "You're more intelligent already."

[Toastmaster]

Doctor, doctor!" said the panic-stricken woman, "my husband was asleep with his mouth open, and he's swallowed a mouse! What shall I do?" "Quite simple," said the doctor calmly. "You just tie a lump of cheese to a piece of string and lower it into your husband's mouth. As soon as the mouse takes a bite haul it out." "Oh, I see. Thank you, doctor. I'll go around to the fishmonger straight away and get a cod's head." "What do you want a cod's head for?" "Oh- I forgot to tell you. I've got to get the cat out first!"

[Toastmaster]

A well-dressed blonde woman goes into a bank in centran Manhattan and sits down to speak with the loan officer. She explains to him that she will be traveling to Europe and will need a $5000 loan. The loan officer explains that the bank will need some sort of collateral. The woman produces keys to a Rolls-Royce parked outside. She offers them to the loan manager, along with an envelope containing the car title. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral. As the woman leaves, there are some snickers that she would leave a $250,000 car as collateral for a $5000 loan. One of the bank managers takes the keys and from the loan officer and drives the car himself into the bank’s underground parking.

Two weeks later, the woman comes back and repays the loan, plus $15.43 interest. As she is taking her keys back, the loan officer gets up the courage to ask the question which has been nagging at him: “While you were gone, we looked into your financial situation and we found out that you are a multi-millionnaire. Why would you need a $5000 loan?” She replies “Where else in Manhattan can I leave my car for two weeks, still have it be there when I get back, and only pay $15.43 for parking?”

Who said blondes were stupid?

[Toastmaster]

Gone Fishing
Alex had a terrible day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the fishmonger and ordered four rainbow trout. He told the fishmonger, 'Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?'

'Why do you want me to throw them at you?' Asked the salesman?' So that I am able to tell my wife, in all honesty, that I caught them.' said Alex.

'Okay, but I suggest that you take the salmon.' Why's that? 'Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take salmon. That's what she'd like for supper tonight.' replied the fishmonger with a grin.