Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Cum_Luver]

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!", he shouted and stormed off to work. By mid morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. "What took you so long to answer?"

"I was in bed."

"What were you doing in bed this late?"

"Getting a second opinion."

[Cum_Luver]

There were three ladies at the obstetrician's office, waiting to see what their results were. When the first young woman came back to the waiting room, she was very happy.

"I'm going to have a boy!" she declared. "The doctor said that if my husband was on top, I would have a boy."

When the second young woman came back, she was very happy, too. "I'm going to have a girl! The doctor said that if I was on top, I would have a girl."

Suddenly, the third young woman burst into tears. The other two tried to console her, but all she could say was "I'm going to have a puppy!"

[Cum_Luver]

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds" . . . think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm . . . the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer . . . wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.

[Cum_Luver]

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and proudly announced to the first man, "Congratulations, sir. You're the father of twins!"

"What a coincidence! I work for the Minnesota Twins Baseball team!"

Later the nurse returned and congratulated the second father on the birth of his triplets.

"Wow! That's incredible! I work for the 3M Corporation."

An hour later, the nurse returned to congratulate the third man on the birth of his quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply, "I don't believe it! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!"

After this, everyone turned to the fourth guy who had just fainted. The nurse rushed to his side. As he slowly gained consciousness, they could hear him mutter over and over, "I should never have taken that job at 7-Eleven. I should never have taken that job at 7-Eleven. I should never have taken that job....

[beary]

A Scottish couple was walking across the meadows. The girl looked at the guy and shyly asked, "Would you like to hold my hand?"

"Uh...well yes." the boy said, "But how did you know?"

She said, "By the gleam in your eye."

They walked a little further and the girl said, "Would you like to kiss me?"

"Oh, my yes!" replied the boy, "But how did you know?"

She said, "By the gleam in your eye."

As they got to the stream, they sat on a stump, the girl looked at the boy and asked, "Would you like to go all the way with me?"

"Well, oh, my gosh, yes! (gulp) Yes! But how did you know? By the gleam in my eye?"

"No," replied the girl, "by the TILT IN YOUR KILT."

[beary]

A saleswoman was traveling along this Arkansas road when her car broke down near a farmhouse. She went to the farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could put her up for the night until her car was fixed.

"Sure," he said, "but you have to sleep with my son because we only have two bedrooms. By the way, he suffers from tight skin."

She asked if it was contagious and he said no, so they went to sleep.

When she woke up in the morning the bed was full of dung. She screamed.

The farmer came running into the room and asked what was wrong. "This bed is full of shit!" she yelled.

"I told you last night that he suffered from tight skin," said the farmer.

"What the hell is tight skin?" she asked.

The farmer said, "When he closes his eyes his ass hole opens up!"

[beary]

A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night, the wife approached her husband wearing the exact same sexy negligee she had worn on their wedding night.

She looked at her husband and said, "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looked up at her and said, "Yes dear, I do.

You wore that same negligee the night we were married."

She said, "That's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"

He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what was it?" she asked.

He responded, "As I remember, I said, 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big boobs and screw your brains out'..."

She giggled and said, "Yes honey, that's exactly what you said. So, now it's 50 years later, and I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"

Again he looked up at her, and replied, "Mission accomplished."

[nightsmith]

Oops!
A man was laying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spent the next hour just stroking his penis, something she seemed to love to do.

Enjoying it, he turned and asked her, 'Why do you love doing that?'

She replied, 'Because I really miss mine.'

NS (I wonder if the medics preserved it in formalin.)

[birdie8819]

A man visits his doctor and tells him that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the last 7 months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so that he can talk to her.

The wife comes in to the doctor's office, and the doctor asks her what is wrong -- why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband?

The wife tells him, "For the last 7 months, every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money. The cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' So I take an 'or what.' When I get to work, I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' So I take an 'or what.' Back home, I take the cab and again I don't have any money, so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' So again I take an 'or what.' So you see, doc, when I get home I'm all tired out, I don't want it anymore."

The doctor says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what?"

[seesaw]

There were three gals who were getting married and all met at the marriage counselor's office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away.

There were two city gals and one farm gal.

The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile.

Well the counselor asked the first gal what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, the rhythm method. That will work said the counselor if you keep a good record.

He asked the second gal what system she planned on using. I plan on using birth control pills she said. Again he said, yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them.

He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using.

Her answer was The pail and saucer method. After a short delay, he again told her that should also work.

He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going.

They all met again one year later and the two city gals were pregnant.

Only the farm gal was slim and trim yet.

Well the counselor asked the first gal what method she used and what went wrong. She replied that she used the rhythm method but somehow got her notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby.

He asked the second city gal what method she used and she replied, the birth control pill but we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby.

He turns to the farm gal and told her that I vaguely remember you were going to use the pail and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the pail and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you.

She replied, Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a pail turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the pail out from under him!!

[seesaw]

Abe went to a brothel and told the madam,

"I want a girl with big boobs and a small box."

"Why?" she asked him.

"Never mind!" replied Abe. "I`m paying for it. I want a girl with big tits and a small box!"

"No problem," said the madam. "Go straight up the stairs to room 23."

A few minutes later there was a knock on the door, and a young woman walked in.

"Okay," she said, "are you the guy with the big mouth and the small pecker?"

[seesaw]

I was walking in the park one bright sunny Sunday afternoon, when I noticed a cute little girl out walking her dog. As she approached me on the path, she looked about 9 years old, all dressed up in her Sunday best, and her freshly scrubbed face, just gleaming with cutesiness. Tugging on her leash was a well groomed, but somewhat chubby, terrier.

As we met on the path, I greeted her, "Hi there, my, aren't you pretty today and what a fine looking dog you have."

"Thank you, sir" she said, "And what a nice day this is isn't it?"

"Yes it is" I answered, "My, what a polite little girl you are, and what a pretty dress you're wearing."

"Oh, thank you, sir. My mother taught me to always be polite and she made this dress for me, isn't it pretty?" she said with a beaming smile.

"Yes, very pretty" I answered, "By the way, what's your dog's name?"

"Oh, sir, my dog's name is 'Porky', isn't that cute?"

"Well, it certainly is an unusual name for a dog. Why do you call him 'Porky', because he's a little fat?"

"Oh, no!" she replied with a smile, "It's because he fucks pigs!"

[seesaw]

A man and his girlfriend are having a sexual encounter. He asks her to "go downtown" so, with a sigh, she gets on her knees in front of him and starts peering at his genitals, looking and tipping her head this way and that, studying the whole business.

After a couple minutes of this, he asked her in a sort of peeved voice, "Well, what the hell are you doing?"

She said, "I'm doing what I always do when I'm downtown with no money.... just looking."

[seesaw]

Miss Annabell had just returned from her big trip to New York City and was having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy's mansion with her southern belle friends. She tells them the stories of her trip as they stare spellbound. "You just wouldn't believe what they have there in New York City," says Miss Annabell. "They have men there who kiss other men on the lips."

Miss Annabell's friends fan themselves and say, "Oh my! Oh my!"

"They call them homosexuals," proclaims Miss Annabell.

"Oh my! Oh my," proclaim the girls as they fan themselves.

"They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!"

"Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls. "What do they call them?" they ask.

"They call them lesbians," says Miss Annabell.

"They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New York City," sighs Miss Annabell.

"Oh my! Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls as the sit on the edge of their chairs and fan themselves even faster. "What do they call them?" they ask in unison. Miss Annabell leans forward and says in a hush, "Why when I caught my breath, I called him Precious."

[seesaw]

"I bought a racehorse today."

"Oh, really? What is the horse's name, gender, timing, and whatare you going to do with him??

"I've decided to call him 'My Face.' He is male, runs a mile in just under a minute. I don't care if he doesn't win a race or if he makes me any money."

"Then why'nthehell did ya buy him??

I just want to hear thousands of those uppity posh bitches at the race course shouting: 'Come on, My Face!'

GOD I'd love to hear that!"