Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[BaliHai]

If Sex Was Sold In A Grocery Store


Men would do a much better job of searching for and clipping coupons.

Hookers are renamed "Special Stock Girls."

If you ever were not "prepared", you could always go to Aisle 8

There's gonna be confusion over Trix on Aisle 3 and "Tricks" on Aisle 10.

Clean up on Aisle 10 would take on a whole new meaning.

Same with the phrase "Freshness Dating."

Same with "Buy One, Get One Free."

No one wants to win the One Millionth Shopper award.

Paper or Plastic or Rubber?

Some men would still be in the Express Lane

[BaliHai]

I'll tell you a short poem; I'll try to make it quick.
You might think it quite harmless; You might well find it sick.
The subject is quite simple: The joy of having a dick.

Penises are super things; You ladies should be jealous.
Ever since the early days, When it was small and hairless;
I've looked upon that bit of flesh, As something very precious.

It starts to grow dramatically, When you're about thirteen.
Your testicles on either side; Your willy in between.
When erect it's quite a sight; A purple love machine.

It dangles neatly down below; Obedient and loyal.
Its seeds are hidden well within; Awaiting some fresh soil.
At the slightest hint of lust, It's ready to uncoil.

It has a mind all of its own; It's like a wild beast.
It squirms and writhes and stretches out; When you expect it least.
You can't control its energy; You must wait 'til it's ceased.

Handle it with love and care; For it can give great pleasure.
Has it grown since last weekend? And when did you last measure?
Still, no matter what its length; It's something you should treasure.

Sometimes, yes, it misbehaves; Erecting when it shouldn't.
A bumpy train ride sets it off; Just when you wish it wouldn't.
Did that lady notice it? You blush and hope she couldn't.

Some people fret about its size; They give it lots of thought.
Is seven inches long enough? It makes blokes quite distraught.
They peek across in public loose, And try not to get caught.

Masturbating is a sin; That's what some folk believe.
But those are just old wives' tales; Outdated and naive.
And if you're feeling tense or stressed, A quick wank does relieve.

Without this fabulous device, No shag would be complete.
Lesbians will try their best; But must admit defeat.
And what a handy tool it is, When one needs to excrete.

The penis is quite marvelous; It has so many uses.
For women it is special too; Excitement it induces.
And babies can be procreated, From its sperm-filled juices.

And always it remains with you; Until you're old and frail.
Don't take it out in public though, Or you'll be thrown in jail.
Just look at it and feel proud; And thank the lord you're male.

[BaliHai]

AN ODE TO ORAL SEX



FOR THE GIRLS


Penis breath, a lover's dread, Is what you get when you give head.

Unpleasant as it tends to be, Be grateful that he doesn't pee.

It's times like this, you wonder why, You bothered reaching for his fly.

But it's too late, can't be a tease, Accept the facts, get on your knees.

You know you've got a job to do, So open wide and shove it through,

Lick the tip then take it all. Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl.

Slide up and down, use your tongue.

And feel the pre-cum start to run, Your jaw it aches, your neck is numb,

So when the hell's he gonna cum?

Just, when you can't take anymore, You hear your lover's mighty roar.

And when he hits that real high note, You feel it oozing down your throat.



FOR THE BOYS

Salty, fishy, sticky stuff, Okay already, that's enough.

Let's switch you say, before you gag, and what revenge, you're on the rag!

Eating out and chowing down, but tonight I'm not out on the town.

Tonight I'm served a seafood dish, well at the least it tastes like fish.

Time to overcome my fears, as she drags me down there by my ears, to feast upon her hairy pie, where pubes and stubble jab my eye.

She lies back and moans and then softly sighs, I cant help thinking about scampi & fries.

Don't lick too low, move up a bit, got to be careful or I'm in the shit.

Nibble, lick, caress and stroke, the things I do just for a poke.

Up, down and right a bit, where the hell does she keep her clit?

I'll never find it here like this; fanny design just takes the piss.

To find my way around her twat, I'll need a torch and miners hat.

I think my tongue is failing me, Christ I hope she doesn't pee.

I've been licking her minge for years.

I wish I could breathe through my ears.

God I hope that she comes quickly, since my neck's developing a crick.

I'm sweating like I've got a fever, under the covers, eating split beaver,

I must have hit the right spot at last, cos' her screams are gaining volume fast, her thighs clamp tight around my head, and her screams scare the neighbors out of their bed.

She's coming at last and making a racket, her thighs crushing my head like a discarded fag packet.

I'm choking and spluttering but she doesn't care, that my mouth is full of fish flavored hair.

And that my face is smothered in thick fanny batter and juices that taste like a seafood platter.

But she thinks it's funny, and starts taking the piss, but she soon stops her laughing, when I move in for a kiss.

[BaliHai]

How to Piss Off A Woman


Tie her to the bed, describe all the erotic things you plan to do. Then go bowling.

Ask her how she prepared a meal. If she wants to know why you want to know, say "So I don't make the same mistakes."

Tell her YOU have a headache, but you're willing to suffer with it through sex just to please her.

Imitate her having an orgasm while dining out.

Fake your own orgasm while dining out.

Tell her you've applied for the position of blowjob inspector at the nearest whorehouse.

After sex tell her the doctor assured you it isn't contagious. Then faint.

[BaliHai]

Diary Of a Young Wife

Monday:

Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home.
It's fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow 12 bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine though.

Tuesday:

We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. But Tim happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. They both looked so startled when I served them; I think it was the salad.

Wednesday:

I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the day. I can't say it improved the rice anyhow.

Thursday:

Today Tim asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe.
It said, prepare ingredients, and then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over the place for a garden and when I got one, I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there for over one hour so the dog would not take it. Tim came over and asked if I felt all right.I wonder why? He must be stressed at work; I'll try to be supportive.

Friday:

Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did,to my mum's place. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again, it looked the same as when I left it.

Saturday:

Tim went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found an old doll dress and its little cute shoes. I thought the hen looked really cute. When Tim saw it, he started counting to ten. Either he was really stressed because of his work, or he wanted the chicken to dance.

When I asked him what was wrong he started crying and shouting out "why me? why me ?"

Hmmm....It must be his job.

[medic542]

"Doc, I can't sleep anymore," the man complained. "I've tried everything, but I just toss and turn.""You have to learn to relax," the doctor said. "Try putting each part of your body to sleep separately." That night the guy crawled into bed, got comfortable and started to talk to his body."Toes, go to sleep," he whispered."Feet, go to sleep. Legs, go to sleep. Hips, go to sleep. Stomach, go to sleep" Just then, his wife walked in wearing a transparent teddy. Her husband opened one eye, then lifted his head from the pillow. "OK," he shouted, "up, up...everybody up!"

[medic542]

Some women are sitting around after a card party. They start complaining about their s*x lives. First woman moans, "My husband is a musician. All he wants to do is sing to it. "
Second woman moans, "My husband is a doctor. All he want to do is examine it."
Third woman moans, "My husband is a psychiatrist. All he wants to do is talk about it."
A big grin on her face, the fourth woman says, " My husband's a mechanic. On our wedding night he tore the hell out of it, and has been working on it ever since."

[medic542]

There was one time two friends sitting next to a tree eating their lunch until one friend asks the other, "Hey you see that donkey far away.." and the other friend replies... "yeah I see it." "I bet you 100 bucks, I can make that donkey laugh.. the other friend replies.. "go ahead I bet that money you cant do that". So the friend goes where the donkey was eating his food, approaches to him and lift the donkey's ear and whispers in it.. and the donkey started laughing.. so the other friend loses his money.. in the next 5 min the friend asks the other friend again.. "I bet you 100 bucks more I make the donkey cry".. so he does and the other friend approaches to the donkey and lifts his ear and whispers in it again.. then donkey started to cry... he goes back and the other friend asks: "how did you do that"? his friend replies, easy! "the first time I told him my di*k was bigger than his.. "and he laughed.. and the "second time I showed to him..."

[medic542]

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:
'Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment . I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:
#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, I found out that:
#1 - it had been previously occupied,
#2 - there wasn't any heat, and
#3 - it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check f or $250 with the following note:
'Dear Sir:
#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.

So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady...

[medic542]

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift.Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.' Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.' The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.

[Sing@pore]

Chickens in Libraries
A chicken walks into the library. It goes up to the circulation desk and says: "book, bok, bok, boook".
The librarian hands the chicken a book. It tucks it under his wing and runs out. A while later, the chicken runs back in, throws the first book into the return bin and goes back to the librarian saying: "book, bok, bok, bok, boook". Again the librarian gives it a book, and the chicken runs out. The librarian shakes her head.
Within a few minutes, the chicken is back, returns the book and starts all over again: "boook, book, bok bok boook". The librarian gives him yet a third book, but this time as the chicken is running out the door, she follows it.
The chicken runs down the street, through the park and down to the riverbank. There, sitting on a lily pad is a big, green frog. The chicken holds up the book and shows it to the frog, saying: "Book, bok, bok, boook". The frog blinks, and croaks: "read-it, read-it, read-it".

[Sing@pore]

Light Bulb Jokes:
How many academic librarians does it take to change a light bulb? Just five. One changes the light bulb while the other four form a committee and write a letter of protest to the Dean, because after all, changing light bulbs IS NOT professional work! How many catalogers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, but they have to wait to see how LC does it first. How many cataloguers does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one provided it is in AACR2. How many reference librarians does it take to change a light-bulb? (with a perky smile) "Well, I don't know right off-hand, but I know where we can look it up!" How many reference librarians does it take to change a lightbulb? None if it has a LCSH heading. How many library system managers does it take to change a lightbulb? All of them as the manual was lost in the last move (or flood). How many library managers does it take to change a lightbulb? At least one committee and a light bulb strategy focus meeting and plan. How many library technicians does it take to change a lightbulb? Seven. One to follow approved procedure, and six to review the procedure. (8 if you count the librarian they all report to)
Q: What happens when you cross a librarian and a lawyer?
A: You get all the information you want, but you can't understand it.
There was a young couple from Delhi
Who went around belly to belly,
Because, in their haste,
They used library paste
Instead of petroleum jelly.

What did one math book say to the other math book?
" Do you want to hear my problems?"

What does the librarian say when she has to leave?
Time to book!

What did the book called "Chills" say to the other book?
" I feel chills running down my spine!"

What is a book's favorite food?
A bookworm

What's the difference between an accountant and a dectective solving the Case of the Stolen Book?
One's a bookkeeper and one's a bookcaper

Why did the librarian slip and fall on the library floor?
Because she was in the non-friction section.

What does a library book wear whenever it leaves the building?
A pager.

Where was the librarian when the lights went out?
In the dark!

[Sing@pore]

A young boy refused to do his homework, and his father was trying to convince
him to do it. He said to his son: "When Abe Lincoln was your age,
he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

The son replied: "Well, when Lincoln was your age, he was President!"

Did you hear about the schoolgirl who was so excited about a book she found in the library called How to Hug?
It turned out to be volume eight of an encyclopedia.

Why did the sparrow fly into the library?
It was looking for bookworms.

A frog walked into a library and asked the librarian what he would recommend.
" How about this sir?" asked the librarian, showing him Toad of Toad Hall.
" Reddit, reddit," said the frog.

An eight year girl is trying to check out a book entitled
" Advice for Young Mothers" from the local library.

Librarian: Now why do you want to check out this particular book, dear?

Little girl: I collect moths.

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.
The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside is numbered."
" I think librarians are the easiest," said the second surgeon. "When you open them up all their organs are alphabetically ordered."
The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on electricians. All their organs are color coded."
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their head and ass are interchangeable."

What's another word for thesaurus?

A kindergarten teacher asked the children just before she escorted them to the library, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in the Library?"
Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."

Q. What did the detective do when he didn't believe the librarian's story?
A. He booked her!

Q. When a goose goes to the library, what books does she look for?
A. Peoplebumps books!

Q. If you travel to Eastern Europe, why won't you find any books in Prague's public library?
A. They're all "Czech"ed out!

Q. What building has the most stories?
A. The library, of course!

Q. If a student goes to a seven-story library and checks out seven books, how many are left?
A. None. The library had only seven stories!

Q. Where does a librarian sleep?
A. Between the covers.

Jim said, "My dog tried to eat my library book."
" What did you do?" asked the librarian.
" I took the words right out of his mouth."

Once a blonde went to the library to get a book. A few days later, she returns and says to librarian at the counter, "This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so i would like to return it."
The librarian says to the other librarian, "So here is the person who took our phone book!"

What do you call a person whose library books are overdue?
A Bookkeeper.

[Sing@pore]

Why did the librarian slip and fall on the library floor?
Because she was in the non-friction section.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Clothes on.
Clothes on who?
The Library's clothes on Thanksgiving,
but we'll be open again on Friday!

Why did the vampire check out a drawing book?
He wanted to learn how to draw blood.

Librarian: Knock knock.
Student: Who's there?
Librarian: Winnie.
Student: Winnie who?
Librarian: Winnie you going to bring back
that overdue book, hmm?

Q. Why was the T-Rex afraid to go to the library?
A: Because her books were 60 million years overdue.

Q. Why is that library book you're trying to find always in the last place you look? A. Because once you find it, you stop looking.

Q. Why does an elephant use his trunk as a bookmark?
A. That way he always nose where he stopped reading.

Q. How can you tell if an elephant checked out a library book before you did?
A. When you open it, peanut shells fall out.

Q. Why does the ghost come back to the library every day for more books?
A. Because she goes through them too quickly.

Q. Why didn't the skeleton come back to the library with an overdue book?
A. He was too gutless.

Q. Why don't elephants ever pay overdue fines?
A. They always bring their books back on time. An elephant never forgets!

Q. What did the detective do when he didn't believe the librarian's story?
A. He booked her!

Q. Do you know how many librarians it takes to screw in a light bulb?
A. No, but I know where you can look it up!

Q. What king of medieval England was famous because he spent so many nights at his Round Table writing books?
A. King Author!

Q. What reference book should you put on your head to keep off the sun and rain, no matter where you go in the world?
A. A hat-las. (If you like, you can call it your "map cap.")

Q. What reference book should you use when you forget your shovel?
A. The dig-tionary.

Librarian: Knock knock.
Kid: Who's there?
Librarian: Winnie Thupp.
Kid: Winnie Thupp who?
Librarian: He's in the juvenile fiction, and so is Piglet!

Q. When a goose goes to the library, what books does she look for?
A. Peoplebumps books!

Q. If you travel to Eastern Europe, why won't you find any books in
Prague's public library?
A. They're all "Czech"ed out!

Part 1: Q. What building has the most stories?
A. The library, of course!

Part 2: Q. If a student goes to a seven-story library
and checks out seven books, how many are left?
A. None. The library had only seven stories!

Q. Where does a librarian sleep?
A. Between the covers.

Q. When a librarian goes fishing, what goes on her hook?
A. A bookworm, of course.

Q. What does a librarian eat dinner from?
A. A bookplate.

Jim said, "My dog tried to eat my library book."
"What did you do?" asked the librarian.
"I took the words right out of his mouth."

Q. What does the skeleton do when she goes to the library?
A. She likes to "bone up" on her favorite subject
(and we're not ribbing you, either).

Q. What does the Mummy do when he goes to the library?
A. He gets all wrapped up in a good book.

[Sing@pore]

A man goes to his physician and is shocked to find that he has been replaced by a super-computer. The computer asks him his ailments and the man says he has a sore elbow. A drawer pops out and he is asked to urinate in it. After a few bleeps and flashing lights the computer decides he has tennis elbow.

The man is annoyed and decides to get one over on this machine so he asks his wife for a urine sample. He then mixes this with urine from his dog and his small son and to top it off, adds some of his sperm. He takes it to the computer-physician who again asks him for a sample. He places the urine/sperm sample in the drawer and the computer makes its usual display of bleeps and flashes before telling him that his wife is pregnant, his dog has rabies, his son has chicken pox and if he doesn't stop masturbating he'll never get rid of his tennis elbow.