Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Hosida]

A guy is sitting at a bar, throwing back glass after glass of scotch.

The bartender, a little worried, asks him if he's okay.

"No, I'm not," the guy replies. "I just caught my wife in bed with my best friend."

"Well," asks the bartender, "what did you say to your wife?"

"Nothing. I'm not speaking to that bitch anymore."

"Well, what did you say to your best friend?"

"BAD DOG! BAD DOG!"

[Hosida]

A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom’s bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"

Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning,

"Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

[Hosida]

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm Little Johnny’s mother was tucking her son into bed.

She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can’t dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy’s room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
"The big sissy."

[seesaw]

A man walks into a Pharmacy and says to the beautiful female teller, "Umm... err, I've never purchased condoms before, and I don't know what size to buy."

"That's okay. You can test your size on the fence out in back."

So the man walks out back and he sees three holes.

Just as he prepares to stick his penis in the first hole, the beautiful teller sneaks over to the other side of the fence.

The man sticks his penis through the first hole where it is gently caressed by the teller.

Then he pulls it it out and sticks it through the second hole where the teller begins to suck his penis and give him a blow job.

Then, finally, he pulls it out and sticks it in the third hole.

The teller takes her vagina, wraps it around his penis, and begins to hump it.

She quickly pulls up her pants and scurries back inside where the man is begining to stumble back in.

She starts to giggle and says, "Have you decided on the appropriate size?"

"Screw the condoms! Just give me 3 yards of that fence!"

[seesaw]

Pick Up Lines that Might Get You Slapped

1. Call me Fred Flintstone, because I'll make your Bedrock.

2. Let's play Titanic, when I say 'ICEBERG', you go down.

3. You must be a high jumper, because you make my bar rise.

4. If we were both squirrels, would you play with my nuts?

5. Would you wear shoes if you didn't have any feet? Then why are you wearing a bra?

6. Do you believe in love at first sight? Or do I have to walk by again?

7. You must have a mirror in your pocket because I can easily see myself in your pants.

8. What time do you have to be in heaven.

9. I seem to have lost my phone number, can I have yours?

10. If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?

11. How about you sit on my lap and we can talk about the first thing that pops up.

12. I lost my teddy bear. Will you sleep with me?

13. Sex is a killer. Wanna die happy?

14. Do you sleep on your stomach? "NO" - Can I?

15. Playing Doctors is for kids. How about me and you play gynecologist ?

16. If you were a tear in my eye, I would not cry for fear of losing you.

17. Excuse me, do you give head to strangers? "No?" Well then, allow me to introduce myself.

18. The word for the day is 'Legs'. Lets go back to my place and spread the word.

19. The last time I saw you, I was dreaming.

20. Hi my name's Michael - Don't forget it because you'll be screaming it later on.

21. I'm new in town, could you give me directions to your place?

22. I love every bone in your body. Especially mine.

23. That's a nice smile, its just too bad that's not the only thing you're wearing.

24. All those curves, and me with no brakes.

25. Nice outfit, but it would look better on my bedroom floor.

26. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

[seesaw]

After a tourist had been served in the Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress back and said, "Miss, would y'all give me a piece of ass?"

"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl.

Then she smiled and added, "Sure, why not? It's pretty slow here right now, so let's go!"

When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else?"

"Yes," replied the tourist. "Where ah come from in Alabama, we lack our bourbon 'n watuh cold, so ah still need a piece uh ass for mah drink."

[seesaw]

Ole and Sven were fishing in Minnesota when Sven pulled out a cigar.

Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.

'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied, and then, reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long..

'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'

'Vell,' replied Ole, I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.

'Ya, shure It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole.

'Could I see him?'

Ole opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.

The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks... Flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks, Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat DA Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"

[BaliHai]

A little boy asks his dad: whats between mom's legs?

The father answers: paradise, my son

The kid asks again: whats between your legs?

The father replies: the key to the paradise

The son says: piece of advice dad, change the lock, the neighbour has a copy!

[BaliHai]

One day at lunch several guys were engaged in a little friendly bragging about their sexual prowess and the dimensions of their members. First one, then the next would add his own exaggerations until the whole thing became quite ridiculous.

Then Bill said matter of factly "mine's about four inches."

There was stunned silence before one of the guys said, "Bill, you're kidding right?"

"Not at all, four inches." He said, with perfect sincerity. "You know, some women like it."

We all sat in embarrassed silence until Bill continued, "Of course, others complain it's just too wide."

[BaliHai]

One day God came to Adam for a brief discussion. "I've got some good news and some bad news." God said.

Adam looked thoughtfully at his maker and replied, "Please give me the good news first.

"Smiling, God explained, "I've created two new organs for you. One is called a brain. This organ will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and carry on productive conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your intelligent life form and begin populating the planet. Eve will be very pleased that you are now equipped with this organ as she will be able to conceive children."

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great and wonderful gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"

God then looked upon Adam, and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."

[BaliHai]

The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.

I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to sell all my stuff immediately."

"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.

"I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some butthole using my stuff."

She looked at me and said, "What makes you think I'd marry another butthole?"

__________


Surgeons invited to dinner parties are often asked to carve the meat, or worse yet, to watch the host carve while commenting on the surgeon's occupation.

At one party, a surgeon friend was watching the carving while Harry, his host, kept up a running commentary: "How am I doing, Doc? How do you like that technique? I'd make a pretty good surgeon, don't you think?" When the host finished and the slices of meat lay neatly on the serving platter, the surgeon finally spoke up, "Anybody can take them apart, Harry. Now let's see you put them back together again."

[BaliHai]

After having a very pleasant 69 with his girlfriend, Joe remembered he had a dentist appointment.
He was afraid the Dentist would notice the smell of twat on his breath, so he brushed his teeth, used dental floss, and also used a whole 4-oz bottle of Listerine.

As he arrived at the Dentist's office, he also ate a whole packet of strong mint Tic-Tacs. His turn came up and the Dentist told him to take a seat in the chair. Feeling confident and relaxed, he opened his mouth wide.

The Dentist got close and asked, "So, you had a 69 before you came here, eh?"

Joe asked, exasperated, "How did you know? Does my breath still smell like twat?"

The dentist replied, "No... you have a skidmark on your forehead."

__________



A tractor salesman was passing a farm, where the farmer was plowing the field with a bull. He goes over and offers to sell the farmer a tractor to plow with. The farmer tells him "I don't need a tractor, I have three new ones at the barn."

"Well if you have three new tractors at the barn, why are you plowing this field with that bull," asked the salesman?

The farmer replied, "This is part of the bull's continuing education, I am teaching him that there is more to farming than banging and tearing down fences.

[kirk69]

So many funny jokes.Thanks bros for sharing.

[Cum_Luver]

The burnette girl says to her blond husband: "Honey, my water broke, the baby is coming." Excited, they rush to the hospital. Finally, after the long wait, she gives birth to twins. The husband picks up the babies with a sad, disappointed look on his face. His wife says: "What's wrong babe, aren't you happy?" The husband replies:"I am happy about mine, but who's the other's father?"

[Cum_Luver]

An elder couple was lying in bed after they awakened just chatting. The husband suggested whomever thought of the best rhyme could get breakfast in bed. She thought a bit and said: "Ok, shoot."

He thought for a bit and then said: "2 and 2 are 4, 4 and 5 makes 9, I've got my hand on yours, you've got your hand on mine." She thought a bit then said: "2 plus 2 is 4, 4 and 5 makes 9, I know the length of yours, you don't know the depth of mine."