Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[jenny]

A man, wanting to rob a Bank of Queensland , walked into the Branch and
wrote 'Put all your muny in this bag.'

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began
to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the
police before he reached the teller's window..

So he left the Bank and crossed the street to the NAB Bank.. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the teller She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbour, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was
written on a Bank of Queensland deposit slip and that he would either,
have to fill out a NAB deposit slip or go back to Bank of Queensland..

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left.. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at....the Bank of Queensland . Happened in Noosa!

[jenny]

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all
of the cash from the cash drawer..

After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of
Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.. He told the
cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said,
'Because I don't believe you are over 21.' The robber said he was, but
the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe
him.. At this point, the robber took his driver's licence out of his
wallet and gave it to the clerk..

The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and
she put the Scotch in the bag... The robber then ran from the store with
his loot..

The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of
the robber that she got off the licence.. They arrested the robber two
hours later..

[jenny]

When my husband and I arrived at a car dealers to pick up our car, we
were told the keys had been locked in it..

We went to the service department and found a mechanic working
feverishly to unlock the drivers side door..

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door
handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know - I already got that side.' This was at the FORD dealership Dubbo.

[jenny]

Something funny to lighten your day

DON'T LOOK AT NAKED LADY
Boy 1: Why do you run from a naked lady?
Boy 2: Becos my mum said that if I look at a naked
lady, I'll turn into
stone. A part of me is getting hard already!

NAMES OF WIVES
A malay man had 4 wives, and he called his...
4th wife..... baby doll
3rd wife.....china doll
2nd wife.....barbie doll
1st wife..... panadol !

HOW INDIA GOT ITS NAME
This is how India got its name.....
The king was having sex with his mistress while
thinking a name of his
country and his mistress ask him "is it In Dear?"...

RESEARCH FINDING
Research shows men are fatter than women because
every-night men get
fresh milk & 2 big papayas while women only get 1
banana, 2 peanuts
&1tea-spoon of starch!

ARAB MAN
An arab was being interviewed at a US checkpoint.
'Your name pls.'?
"Abdul Aziz "
"Sex? "
"Six times a week!! "
"No, no, I mean male or female! "
"Doesn't matters, sometimes even camel !"

SERVICE
Sex is like a restaurant.
Sometimes you get full satisfactory service, and
sometimes you have to
be satisfied with self-service"

HAPPY MAN
What makes a happy man?
Daughter on the cover of cosmo.
Son on the cover of sports illustrated.
Mistress on the cover of playboy
and .. Wife on the cover of "missing persons"

SWIMSUIT
Why was the 2-piece swimsuit invented?
To separate the HAIRY section from the DAIRY section.

GOOD AMBITION
Teacher: What do you want to become?
Little Johnny: Doctor !!
Teacher: Why?
Little Johnny: Coz its the only profession where u can
tell a woman to
take off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it.

DENTIST
Woman complaining to dentist: "It's so painful, I'll
rather have a baby
than have a tooth removed."
Dentist: "Make up your mind soon, I'll adjust the
chair accordingly."

VIRGIN
Old lady, 85, a virgin, about to die. wanted her
tombstone to read :
BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN.
The engraver shortened it to: " RETURNED UNOPENED "

OLD MAN AND YOUNG GIRL
75 yr old man got married to a 15 yr girl.
On their first night both were crying - why???
Coz she didn't know anything, and he had forgotten
everything.

[kirk88]

Thank you for all the wonderful jokes .

[beary]

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, and held his wee wee, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed and was growing bigger as she held it. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'

[beary]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says, "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"

"Now what?" asks the patron.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"

[Sammyboyforum]

Lenny




With the coolest casting of the entire event, the sirens of Lenny came to celebrate the 20th anniversary of the brand with a parade around the Lagoa Rodrigo de Freitas.
With a collection that had many of his classics and some new features in the materials used, the pieces range from the classics, were part of the series blues, tropical prints, the use of fringes, the clothes backshore flowing and powerful props. To give a sense of novelty in the collection, Lenny put on stage a series small leather snake in shades of green and blue and another in a macro that would crochet chic shades of white to strong and modeled bikinis, bathing suits, gowns and tunics long. Whole swimsuits and bikinis with cutouts formed in various proportions and elegant festive this collection, so the taste of customers who have filled the parade.

[Sammyboyforum]

The New Suit


Harry wanted a new suit so he bought a nice piece of cloth and tried to find a good tailor.

The first tailor he visited looked at the cloth, measured Harry, then told him there was not enough cloth to make a suit.

Harry found this hard to accept, so he went to the tailor next door who measured both Harry and the cloth before announcing that there was enough cloth to make a three-pice suit.

A week later, Harry returned to collect his suit and noticed that the tailor's son was wearing trousers made of the same cloth.

Puzzled, Harry asked: "How come you have been able to make a three-piece suit for me and trousers for your son when the chap next door could not even make a suit?"

"Simple," said the tailor. "The guy next door has two sons."

[Sammyboyforum]

Skirt Too Tight


A woman tried to board a bus but her skirt was so tight that she couldn't make the step up.

So she reached behind her, lowered her zip and tried again. Still the skirt was too tight. So again she reacher behind her, lowered her zip a little more and tried to negotiate the step. But still the skirt was too tight.

Determined to catch this bus, she once more reached behind her, lowered the zip a little and attempted to climb aboard. Then suddenly she felt two hands on her butt, helping her on to the bus.

She turned around angrily and told the man behind her: "Sir, I don't know you' well enough for you to behave in such a manner."

The man replied: "Lady, I don't know you well enough for you to unzip my fly three times either!"

[Sammyboyforum]

Fantastic


The manager of a ladies' dress shop realise that it was time to give one of her sales staff a pep talk. "Paula," she said, "your figures are the lowest in the department by a long way. In fact, unless you can improve your sales record soon, I'm afraid I'll have to let you go."

"I'm sorry, ma'am,' said a humbled Paula. "Can you offer me any advice on how to do better?"

"Well," said the manager, "there is an old trick I can tell you about. It sounds silly, but it's worked for me in the past. Get hold of a dictionary and go through it until you find a word that has particular power for you. Memorize it, work it into your sales pitch whenever it seems appropriate, and you'll be amazed at the results."

Sure enough, Paula's sales figures shot up, and at the end of the month the manager called her in again, this time to congratulate her.

"Did you try my little trick?" she asked.

Paula nodded. "It took me a whole weekend to find the right word, but I did in the end."

"And what is it?"

"Fantastic."

"Yes, that's an excellent word," said the manager encouragingly. "And how have you been using it?"

"Well, my first customer on Monday was a woman who told me her little girl had just been accepted at the most exclusive prep school in the city. I said, "Fantastic." She went on to tell me how her daughter always got straight A's and was the most popular girl in class. I said, "Fantastic", and she bought $500 worth of clothing.

"My next customer said she needed a formal dress for the spring ball at the country club, which she was organizing. I said, "Fantastic." She went on to tell me she had the best figure of anyone on the committee and that her husband makes the most money. "Fantastic", I said, and she not only bought a $2,000 designer gown, but hundreds of dollars of accessories. It's been like that all week: the customers keep boasting, I keep saying, "Fantastic", and they keep buying!"

"Excellent work, Paula," said the manager. "You're a credit to the department. Just as a matter of interest, what did you used to say to customers before you discovered your power word?"

Paula shrugged. "It was usually, 'Who cares?'"

[Sammyboyforum]

Size Eight Shoes


A man walked into a shoe shop and asked for a pair of shoes, size 8.

The sales assistant said: "Are you sure, sir" You look like a size 12 to me."

"Just bring me a size 8," insisted the customer.

So the assistant fetched a pair of size 8 shoes and the man squeezed his feet into them with obvious discomfort. He then stood up in the shoes, but with considerable pain.

"Listen," he explained, "I've lost my house to the taxman, I live with my mother-in-law, my daughter ran off with my best friend, and my son just told me he's gay. The only pleasure I have left is to come home at night and take my shoes off!"

[Sammyboyforum]

The Bucket


A young man went to a lake for a swim but when he got there, he realised he had forgotten his swimming trunks.

Since there was nobody about, he decided to jump in naked. An hour later, he climbed out and was just about to get dressed when he saw two old ladies approaching.

He hastily grabbed a small bucket, held it over his privates and breathed a huge sigh of relief. But when the old ladies started to stare at hi, he felt decidedly awkward.

One said to him: "You know, I have a special gift. I can read minds. And I bet I can read yours."

The young man scoffed: "So you reckon you know what I'm thinking, do you?"

"Yes," she said. "Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom."

[Sammyboyforum]

The Egg King


The young man applied to the manager of the entertainment museum for employment as a freak, and the following dialogue occurred:

"Who are you?"

"I am Enoch, the egg king."

"What is your specialty?"

"I eat three dozen hen's eggs, two dozen duck eggs, and one dozen goose eggs, at a single setting."

"Do you know our program?"

"What is it?"

"We give four shows every day."

"Oh, yes, I understand that."

"And do you think you can do it?"

"I know I can."

"On Saturdays we give six shows."

"All right."

"On holidays we usually give a performance every hour."

And now, at last, the young man showed signs of doubt.

"In that case, I must have one thing understood before I'd be willing to sign a contract."

"What?"

"No matter what the rush of business is in the show, you've got to give me time to eat my regular meals."

[Sammyboyforum]

You Know You've Been At College Too Long When


You consider McDonald's to be "real food".

You actually enjoy doing laundry at home.

Two miles is not too far to walk to a party.

You know the pizza delivery boy by name.

You go to sleep when it's light and get up when it's dark.

You live for getting mail.

Rearranging your room is your favorite pastime.

It feels weird to take a shower without shoes on.

You start thinking and sounding like your roommate.

Whole wars have taken place in the outside world without you noticing.

You wear the same socks three days in a row and think nothing of it.

Half the time you don't wake up in your own bed.

Looking out the window is a form of entertainment.

Prank phone calls become funny again.