Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[earnesty]

Big thanks for all , now I know which thread to read when I am down .

[MM LEE]

A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
And she was upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'

'Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

[flyingp1g]

HaHa Nice jokes! Hope u can post more jokes
Camping here.

[Notsocheap]

A little girl accidentally walks in on her father while he's getting dressed. She points to his dick and says, "Daddy, what's that?"

Not wanting to explain sex to her yet, he says, "Uh, I can't tell you, it's a secret."

The little girl finds her mother and asks, "What is that long thing between Daddy's legs?"

Her mother also doesn't want to explain sex yet, so she says, "I don't know, he won't tell me."

A couple days later the little girl says to her mother. "Mommy, I finally figured out what that thing between Daddy's legs is. It's a toothbrush!"

"Why do you think that?" the amused mother asks.

"Because," the little girl says, "this morning I saw the maid sliding it in and out of her mouth and she had toothpaste dripping down her chin."

[Notsocheap]

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck ....This was your Grandma's idea."

[Notsocheap]

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl.

The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young grand daughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?"

Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma.

"I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes.

When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"

[Notsocheap]

One day little Susie went into her back yard and found her dog Muffles lying dead with its legs up in the air.

She asked, "Daddy, Daddy why is Muffles legs in the air?"

Thinking quickly, her dad replied, "This way Jesus can come down and take Muffles to heaven easier."

The next day when Susie's dad came home she ran up to him and said, "Daddy, Daddy, Mommy almost died today."

Flustered, her father said, "Honey what happened?"

And Susie said, "Well Mommy's legs were up in the air and she was screaming 'Oh Jesus I'm coming I'm coming' and if it wasn't for the milkman holding her down she would have been a gonner."

[Notsocheap]

A husband went to work at 9 in the morning as usual. For some reason he had to be back home later during the day while running some errands.

When he entered the house, he was surprised to see his wife in bed with a man who placed his head on her breasts.

The husband demanded, "What on earth are you doing?"

To which the stranger nonchalantly replied, "Quiet! I am listening to music!!"

The husband shoved the stranger aside and said, "Let me listen!" and placed his head on his wife's breasts.

He exclaimed in suspicion, "I don't seem to hear any music."

"Of course not," quipped the stranger, "You're not plugged in!"

[Notsocheap]

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says, "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust-line forty-four."

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.

This time the husband crossed his fingers and says, "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor."

Again, there is a bright flash and..........both his legs fall off.

[Notsocheap]

The boss came early in the morning one day and found his manager kissing his secretary.

He shouted at him, "Is this what I pay you for?"

The manager replied: "No, sir, this I do free of charge."

[Notsocheap]

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison. And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped." Turning on his side, he smiles.

"Then we will have to re- imprison him." After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted. She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence, OKAY!

[Notsocheap]

A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. When the man tells her it will be $300 she exclaims, "I don't have any money. But I would do anything to get a message to my mother in Poland."

To that the man asks, "Anything?" And the blonde says "Yes...anything!" With that, the man says "Follow me."

He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door." She does.

He then says, "Get on your knees." She does. He then says, "Take down my zipper." She does.

He then says, "Go ahead... Take it out."

With that, she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands.

The man then says, "Well. Go ahead!"

She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips she says, "Hello? Mom?"

[Notsocheap]

A blonde and a brunette decide to rob a bank. The brunette explained the plan to the blonde and the blonde reassured the brunette that she knew the plan.

So they drove to the bank and the brunette kept the car running and the blonde ran in to start the robbery.

The brunette sat in the car for 10 mins then 20 then 30. Then running out of the bank came the blonde dragging along a safe tied up with a rope and behind came running a security guard with his trousers around his ankles trying to reach his gun...

The blonde just dropped the safe and jumped in the car panting.

The brunette says to the blonde, "what happened in there. I told you TO TIE UP THE GAURD AND BLOW THE SAFE!"

[Notsocheap]

Wife and husband have bought condoms with different flavours.

Darling, I will turn off the light, put one on and you guess the flavour.

As soon as he turns off the light, she takes it in the mouth and says: - Gorgonzola! - Wait, it is not on yet.

[Notsocheap]

A doctor and his wife are having a terrible fight at the breakfast table. The doctor gets up in a rage and walks out yelling, "and you are not any good in bed either" as he storms out of the house.

After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends. He calls his wife and after at least a dozen rings she answers the phone.

Again irritated the doctor says "what took you so long to answer the phone"?

She says, "I was in bed".

"In bed this late in the day, doing what"?

"I was getting a second opinion" she replied.