Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Shah Alam]

Grocery shopping
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her "no." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don't be upset. It won't be long."

He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Ellen, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out."

The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today. The mother patiently said, "Ellen, we'll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen..."

The mother broke in, "My little girl's name is Tammy... I'm Ellen."

[Shah Alam]

Woman is on a bus
A woman got on a bus holding a baby.

The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

[Shah Alam]

Guests for dinner
The following is a true story.

There was this little kid who had a bad habit of sucking his thumb. His mother finally told him that if he didn't stop sucking his thumb, he'd get fat.

Two weeks later, his mother had her friends over for a game of bridge. The boy points to an obviously pregnant woman and says, "Ah, ha! I know what you've been doing!"

[jayson]

Interview

After intensive Secretary selection, I finally shortlisted 4 beautiful ladies for the post. I decided to test how creative and how fast they can react to embarrassing situations. Please tell me who i should hired!

lady 1:
Me: a woman has got 2 mouths, with 'lips', what are they for?
Lady1: One mouth is for talking and another cannot talk.
Me: Good answer.

lady 2:
Me: a woman has got 2 mouths, with 'lips', what are they for?
Lady2: One mouth is horizontal and the other is vertical
Me: Not Bad...

lady 3:
Me: a woman has got 2 mouths, with 'lips', what are they for?
Lady3: one mouth is for eating and the other is not.
Me: *i laugh* good good...

Lady 4:
Me: a woman has got 2 mouths, with 'lips', what are they for?
Lady4: *waited for a more than 5 minutes*.......
Me: come on... say something..
Lady4: One mouth is for my own use, the other is for my boss to use..

So who should i hire!!!

[Roman city]

There were a couple of old guys talking at the bar. One of the men had been married for 66 years.
"Amazing. 66 years!" said his friend. "What's the secret to such a long, happy marriage?"
"Well," he replied, "It's like this. The man makes all the big decisions... and the woman just makes the little decisions."
"Really?" his friend responded. "Does that really work?"
"Oh, yes," he said proudly. "66 years, and so far, not one big decision!"

[SureScore]

A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

> > The wife was very upset about this and asked:
> > 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
> >
> > Maria: 'Well Senora, there are three reasons why I want
> > an increase.

> > The first is that I iron better than you.'
> > Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
> > Maria: 'Your husband said so..'
> >
> > Wife: 'Oh.'
> >
> > Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook
> > than you..'
> > Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than
> > me?'
> > Maria: 'Your husband did.'
> > Wife: 'Oh.'
> >
> >
> > Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better
> > lover than you.'
> > Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as
> > well?'
> > Maria: 'No Senora, the gardener did..'
> >
> > SHE GOT THE RAISE

[bakylotus]

Signboard outside a prostitute's house:
MARRIED MEN NOT ALLOWED. WE SERVE THE
NEEDY, NOT THE GREEDY.

New Aids awareness slogan:
TRY DIFFERENT POSITIONS WITH THE SAME WOMAN,
INSTEAD OF SAME POSITION WITH DIFFERENT WOMEN.

My dad told me if Adam and Eve were Chinese,
we will still be in Paradise. Why? They would
have eaten the snake instead of the bloody apple!

[humpcheepang]

The Banana Test




There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals,

A Lion , A Chimp , A Giraffe ,
....AND...

A Squirrel



They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.


Who do you guess will win?


Your answer will reflect your personality.


So think carefully . . ..
Try and answer within 30 seconds. Got your answer?


Now scroll down to see the analysis.


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If your answer is:
Lion = you're dull.
Chimpanzee = you're dense.
Giraffe = you're a complete moron.
Squirrel = you're hopeless.






A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS.



Obviously you're stressed and overworked.
You should take some time off and relax

[Roman city]

Little Johnny was just being potty trained and his mom tried this new method with 6 steps:
1. Unbutton pants
2. Pull pants down
3. Pull foreskin back
4. Pee
5. Push foreskin forward
6. Pull pants up and button up
She walked past the bathroom one day and heard Johnny going 1,2,3,4,5,6 and she was thinking she did good.
Then she walked past the next day and heard him saying real fast 3-5,3-5,3-5...

[bakylotus]

AGRICULTURAL SHOW

My wife and I went to the Tamworth Agricultural
Show and one of the lst exhibits we stopped at
was the breeding bulls..We went up to the first
pen and there was a sign attached that said,
'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'.
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs..smiled
and said, '50 times a year, thats almost once
a week'.

We walked to the second pen which had a sign that
said, 'THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'.
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'Wow, 150
times a year, that's more than twice a week, you
could learn a lot from him'.

We walked to the third pen which sign said, 'THIS
BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'. My wife was so
excited that her elbow almost broke my ribs said.
'That's once a day, you really could learn something
from this one'.

I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it
was with the same old cow!'.

[jayson]

No offence to any Singh bros out there

One night after a drinking session, Babu Singh was feeling horny and decided to go to the brothel for some action.

Once he reached there, he was entertain by only 1 lady, since there is no choice he decided to fulfill his urges with her.

Babu Singh, asked for the rates, the lady said: 'ok it is $20 on the grass, $40 on the floor and $60 in the bedroom with bed..'

Babu Singh took out $60 and handed over to the lady.

Lady: 'Singh I like your style!'
Singh: 'Style my ass!, 3 times on the grass!'

[aegis]

To all the contributers..good job and keep it coming..will upz my humble points to you accordingly..

[Roman city]

Who Speaks more? Coffee or bread?

Ans: Bread. When bread talks, kopi tiams

[Roman city]

A guy walks into a bar and asks for 13 margaritas. The bartender abruptly replies, "Wow sir, that sure is a lot, whats the occasion?"

So the guy sits down on a stool, hangs his head and tells the curious bartender, "Well, my first blow job." The bartender smiles and replies, "Yea, that's a splendid occasion indeed. Let me get you one more drink, on the house!"

"Nah," the guy replies... "If thirteen doesn't get the taste out, nothing will."

[Roman city]

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!

She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out: "Watch that fucking wall!"