Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Ikari]

The Golden Fiddle
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A pilot was forced to make a crash landing in a farmer's field. The farmer took the pilot back to the farmhouse, where the pilot noticed the farmer had a golden fiddle hanging above the fireplace. The two men were standing there talking when the farmer's wife came down the steps. The pilot couldn't believe how beautiful she was.
"How can you trust her to be here by herself all day, while you go out and work the fields?"
"I trust my wife," the farmer said. "She's never been unfaithful."
"I'll make you a little bet. If I take your wife upstairs, she'll be unfaithful. If not, you can have my plane. But, if she is, I get your fiddle."
"It's a deal." So, the pilot and the farmer's wife go upstairs. About a half hour passes, and the farmer picks up the fiddle and starts playing it.
"Be true to me, Be true to me, Be true for just one hour. Be true to me, Be true to me, And his airplane will be ours." Another fifteen minutes pass, and suddenly he sees his wife coming down the stairs. He asks her if she stayed true to him. She walked over, picked up the fiddle, started playing it.
"He kissed me on the lips, He kissed me on the tits, He kissed me in the middle. He kissed a spot that you forgot, and you lost your fucking fiddle."

[Ikari]

The Greatest Cow
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Harry and his wife are driving in the country when he sees a sign that reads: "Cow For Sale -- $5,000."
He pulls in and says to the farmer, "There's no cow in the world worth $5,000."
The farmer says, "Oh, yeah? Take a look at this." He lifts the cow's tail and Harry sees that the cow has a snatch just like a woman.
Harry gets back in the car, turns to his wife and says, "It's just not fair. Here's this farmer with a cow that has a snatch like a woman and it's worth $5,000, and here I am, with you, with a snatch like a cow, and you're not worth sh*t."

[Ikari]

Harvard Attitude
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There was a young country boy who was very bright. In fact he was bright enough to be accepted to Harvard.
One of his first assignments at Harvard was to write a paper on a famous person. He didn't know who he would write about so he decided to go to the library and do some research. But he didn't know where the library was. He saw a professor walking down the hall. He stopped the professor and said to him, "Do you know where the library is at?"
The professor looks at him strangely and says, "Young man, here at Harvard we never end a sentence in a preposistion."
The young man says, "Oh, excuse me. Do you know where the library is at, asshole?"

[Ikari]

Airplane Hijinx
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Two women, one from the north and one from the south, are seated next to one another on a plane.
"Where you flyin' to?" says the southern woman. The northern woman turns up her nose.
"Don't you know you should NEVER end a sentence with a preposition?" The southern woman thinks about this for a second.
"Where you flyin' to, bitch?"

[Ikari]

Food for the Hungry
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Three drifters are roaming the countryside for some time. They come upon a small farmhouse with crops planted around it. They are very hungry, thirsty, and tired so the first guy suggests they steal some food.
The second says they should ask for food, so he then goes up and knocks on the door and an old, ugly lady answers. He asks for food and she agrees - but only under one condition. They must have sex with her.
The first drifter says no, the lady is too ugly, and goes back into the woods.
The third guy is very hungry and agrees. He enters the cottage and goes into a corner near a pile of corn to transact his business with the old lady. The old lady is ready, but the guy says he'll only do it if she's blindfolded.
So she puts on a blindfold and bends over. Quickly the guy grabs an ear of corn and sticks it inside the old lady, then throws it out the window. The woman says, "Again," and the man does the same thing. Satisfied, she gives the man some food and he leaves. As he is walking out of the farmhouse, he comes upon the other two guys.
"Guess what?" the first guy says, "while you screwed that old hag we found two ears of cream corn!"

[Ikari]

Identifying Bubba
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Bubba dies in a fire and his body is pretty badly burned. The morgue sends for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, to identify the body.

Daryl arrives first, and when the mortician pulls back the sheet, Daryl says, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."

The mortician rolls him over, and Daryl says, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thinks this is strange. Then he brings Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer takes a look at the face and says, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."

The mortician rolls him over and Gomer says, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asks, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two a**holes."

"What? He had two a**holes?!" exclaims the mortician.

"Yup, every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two a**holes.'"

[Ikari]

Highly Illogical
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Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history and logic.
"What's logic?" asked Bubba.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-whacker?"
"I sure do," answered the redneck.
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good," the redneck responded in awe.
The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."
Impressed, the redneck shouted, "AMAZING!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"Betty Mae! This is incredible!"
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why, that's the most fascinating thing I ever heard of! I can't wait to take this here logic class."
Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Cooter waswaiting.
"So, what classes are ya takin?" he asks.
"Math, history and logic," replies Bubba.
Cooter asks, "What's logic?"
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?"
"No."
"You're gay, ain't ya?"

[Ikari]

Jet Fuel Alcoholics
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Two airplane mechanics named Bob and Tim work at Atlanta airport. Atlanta gets fogged in one night and nothing can take off or land so Bob and Tim have nothing to do. After work Bob and Tim usally have a drink on their way home, so Bob says to Tim, “I heard that you can get a buzz off drinking jet fuel.” Since they have nothing better to do, they try it. Finally, their shift is over and they get to go home. Next morning Bob calls Tim and says, “How are you feeling?” Tim says he's fine, never felt better. Bob asks, “Do you have a hangover?” Tim says no. Then Tim says, “Wow this is great! We can drink all we want and not get a hangover.” Then Bob says, “Well, there is one side effect, Tim. Have you farted yet?” Tim says, “No, why?”
Bob says, “I'm calling you from Detroit!”

[Ikari]

A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The fire department from the nearby town was called to put the fire out.The fire proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle, so someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called. Though there was doubt that they would be of any assistance, the call was made.The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controllable parts.The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire departments work and so grateful that his farm had been spared, that he presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds."That should be obvious," he responded, "the first thing were gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that stupid fire truck."

[Ikari]

Three firefighters went out on a hunting trip. There was a rookie, a captain, and a chief. The weather wasmisrable and they hadnt seen any deer all day. They came across an old shack where they went inside to playa game of poker. After loosing a couple of hands, the rookie threw down his cards and said "that does it! I amgoing out to get me a deer." Fifteen minutes later, the rookie came back with a nice four point buck. Thecaptain and chief asked, "how did you get that?" The rookie replied, "I walked out fifty feet, followed sometracks and shot this buck". The captain then said, "Ive had enough of this I am going to get my deer." Hecame back a half hour later with a 6-point buck. The chief asked, "how did you get that?" The captain replied,"I walked out a hundred feet, followed some tracks and shot this buck." The chief not wanting to be out donesaid "I am out of here, I am g oing to bag the biggest buck of the day." He came back an hour later, all mangledup and bloody. The rookie and captain asked, "what happened to you?" The chief replied, "I walked out therefive hundred feet, followed some tracks, and got hit by a train."

[Ikari]

When the employees of a restaurant attended a fire safety seminar, they watched a fire official demonstrate theproper way to operate an extinguisher. "Pull the pin like a hand grenade," he explained, "then depress the triggerto release the foam." Later an employee was selected to extinguish a controlled fire in the parking lot. In her nervousness, she forgotto pull the pin. The instructor hinted, "Like a hand grenade, remember?" In a burst of confidence she pulled the pin -- and hurled the extinguisher at the blaze.

[Ikari]

A fire chief died and went to heaven. When he got there he saw a long line waiting to get in to the pearly gates.He told himself, "Im a fire chief, Im not going to wait in line." He went to the angels guarding the gates and said, "Let me in. Im a fire chief." The angels replied, "Youll haveto wait in line like everyone else, sir."While waiting at the back of the line he saw a sedan pull up with red lights and a man got out wearing a whitehelmet that said "CHIEF". The angels popped to attention and let the chief enter heaven. The waiting fire chiefwas pissed and went to talk to the angels.He asked, "Why did you let that fire chief go through and not me?" To which the angels replied, "You have it allwrong, sir. Thats God, he just thinks hes a Fire Chief."

[Ikari]

After the fire-truck arrived at a burning building in a small Spanish town, the firemen observed a man dressed in a matadors costume prancing around on the roof. Four of the firemen held a safety-net and urged him to escape from the burning building by jumping into the net. He refused and loudly proclaimed, "Im Fearless Jose the bullfighter who fears nothing, not even fire."The firemen begged and pleaded but to no avail. Jose kept prancing around while repeating the same phrase over and over until the firemen got really sick and tired of hearing it. Finally, when the flames began to scorch his butt, Jose announced he had changed his mind, was ready to jump and then leaped off the rooftop. As his body hurtled toward the safety-net, the four firemen shouted, "Ole!" and quickly moved it aside.

[Ikari]

"Excuse me," a young fellow said to an older librarian, "Ive just moved here and I wonder if this town has any criminal lawyers.""Well," replied the librarian, "I have lived here all my life and all I can tell you is we are pretty sure we do, but no one has been able to prove it yet."

[Ikari]

A persistent job-seeker once appeared before President Lincoln and demanded an appointment to a judgeship. He was informed that there were no vacancies. The next day, while walking along the river, he saw a drowned man being pulled out, and recognized him as a federal judge.He ran back to the White House and demanded the position. "Sorry," said the President, "but the lawyer who saw that judge fall in beat you here by a good five minutes."