Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[seesaw]

The teacher asked the class if anyone could give the class an example of love.

Little Susie stood up and said, "I saw two robins making a nest together, I think that is love".

Very good said the teacher, anyone else?

Little Johnny stood up and said i think love is "fucking".

The teacher was shocked and told little Johnny to go home and not to come back without a note from his father.

The next morning Little Johnny was back in class, the teacher asked, "Do you have a note from your father?"

Little Johnny said, "No, my father said love is fucking and anyone that says it is not is a cock sucker and he doesn't correspond with cock suckers."

[seesaw]

Young Zeke was on his way home from the market when he saw a girl from the next farm and offered her a ride.

Pretty soon, they came to a clump of trees, and she asked him to stop.

Seeing that he was bashful, she took his face in her hands and kissed him. Then she asked, "Do you want to go a little farther?"

He said, "Yep, Get up Betsy.

"So they rode a little farther, and she asked him to pull up at another shady spot. Then she took one of his hands and placed it inside her bosom and his other hand on her thigh, and asked. "Do you want to go a little farther?"

Again he said, "Yep get up Betsy.

" So, when they stopped at the third bushy place, she reached over and opened his fly and took his pecker out. She spread herself before him and asked, "Now do you want me to put it in for you?"

He replied, "Yep. My paw would kill me if I came home with it hanging out."

[seesaw]

Joe buys a parrot, and the first night he has it, he brings home a girl, and the parrot screeches, "He's gonna try to fuck you! He's gonna try to fuck you!"

After he takes her home, he says to the parrot, "You pull that shit again, I'll slash your throat and throw you in the toilet."

The next night, he brings home a girl, and the parrot screeches, "He's gonna try to fuck you! He's gonna try to fuck you!"

Joe grabs the parrot, slashes his throat, and throws him in the toilet.

He goes back to the girl and it turns out she's having her period, so she excuses herself to go yank out her tampon.

She's sitting on the bowl after she yanks it out, when she hears, I'm gonna live! I'm gonna live!"

She says, "What do you mean, 'You're gonna live'?"

The parrot points to her bloody snatch and says, "If you can live with a gash like THAT, I can live with a gash like This!"

[seesaw]

A traveling salesman was passing through the country side and stopped at a farm asking for some cool water. The old farmers wife invited him to sit in the shade of the porch with her and got him some cold lemonade.

They sat and talked for a while when suddenly a hen went running by with a rooster covered in a pair of coveralls chasing her.

The salesman asked, "What in the devil was that?"

The old farmer’s wife told him "Well you see, some years ago we had a tornado come through here and hit the hen house. It killed all our chickens except for that rooster, but it plucked every feather off of him. Well I kind of felt sorry for him, seeing how as he did survive a tornado and I knitted him a pair of coveralls."

The salesman said, "Well that is just about the funniest thing I have ever seen."

To which the farmers wife replied, "You think that's funny, you ought to see that rooster hold a hen down with one leg and try to get those coveralls off with the other."

[bakylotus]

AGAIN


A judge scowled down at a repeat offender before him
and said, 'Didn't I tell you the last time you were in my
courtroom that I don't ever want to see you again?'

'Yes, your Honor,' the defendant replied. 'That's exactly
what I told the police officer, but he insisted that I
come anyway'.

[2thousand8]

Christmas heaven joke

Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter heaven. On entering, they must present something ‘Christmassy’. The first man searches his pocket and finds some mistletoe, so he is?allowed in. The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of lady’s pants. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, “How do these represent?Christmas?” The bloke answers “They’re Carol’s.”

[2thousand8]

Noisy Reindeer
Santa and his reindeer need to be really quiet when they deliver presents so no one will know they are there.

One Christmas Eve when they landed on a roof top, there was a loud, "Snort, snort, sniff, honk, honk, sniff."

"Shhh," said Santa and he proceeded to get out of the sleigh.

Once again, louder this time, there was a "Snort, snort, sniff, honk, honk, sniff."

Dogs began to bark in the neighborhood. "Shhh," Santa said again, "Stop doing that."

He started to lift his sack of toys out of the sleigh when he heard it again, even louder. "SNORT, SNORT, SNIFF, HONK, HONK, SNIFF."

Lights came on all over the neighborhood. Some people opened their windows and stuck out their heads trying to see where the noise came from.

Horrified, Santa jumped back in the sled and flew off to the North Pole. When he got there, he lined up all the reindeer and said, "OK, we are not going to deliver any more presents until the reindeer who is trying to be funny by making those noises confesses and apologizes."

He waited. No reindeer came forward.

"I know who it is," said Santa. He held up a piece of paper. "I've written your name here and I will read it. But I want to give you a chance to do the right thing,"

Still no reindeer came forward. So Santa did the only thing he could. He read off the rude-nosed reindeer.

[2thousand8]

The Perfect Woman




Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life was, of course "perfect."

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a SUV) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Who was the survivor?

The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was an accident.

[2thousand8]

Christmas Gifts for Men




Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.

Rule #1:
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car, a 99 cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4:
Never buy men bathrobes. Once I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.

Rule #7:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why. (ABSOLUTELY TRUE!!)

Rule #8:
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over. No one knows why.

Rule #9:
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores.) It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. ("From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! thanks.")

Rule #10:
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. (No one knows why) Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #11:
Tickets to a Cowboys game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Rule #12:
Men love chain saws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chain saw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #7 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #13:
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #14:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.

[2thousand8]

Santa's A Woman




I think Santa Claus is a woman....I hate to be the one to defy a sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.

Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:

- Men can't pack a bag.
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
- Men don't answer their mail.
- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
- Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
- Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

[2thousand8]

The Christmas Flight

It was a few days before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back home. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.

Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood. (Almost a scrooge) Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointer parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, "Even if we were married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."

"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."

"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."

"That's not why it's there."

"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"

"It's there so you can kiss your luggage good-bye."

[2thousand8]

Desparate Measures

Little Johnny went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, "Well Johnny, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. So why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead." After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus.

Dear Jesus,

I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle.

Your Friend,
Little Johnny

Now Little Johnny knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (Brat).

So, he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.

Dear Jesus,

I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle.

Yours Truly,
Little Johnny

Well, Little Johnny knew this wasn't totally honest so he tore it up and tried again.

Dear Jesus,

I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a new bicycle?

Signed,
Little Johnny

Well, Little Johnny looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his mother was really wanting. He crumpled up the letter and threw it in the trash can and went running outside.

He aimlessly wandered about; depressed because of the way he treated his parents and really considering his actions. He finally found himself in front of a Catholic Church.

Little Johnny went inside and knelt down, looking around not knowing what he should really do. Little Johnny finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of a sudden he grabbed a small one and ran out the door. He went home hid it under his bed and wrote this letter.

Jesus,

I've broken most of the Ten Commandments; shot spit wads in school, tore up my sister's Barbie doll and lots more. I'm desperate. I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike.

Signed,
You know who

[2thousand8]

Jesus is Better Than Santa

Santa lives at the North Pole.
JESUS is everywhere.

Santa rides in a sleigh
JESUS rides on the wind and walks on the water.

Santa comes but once a year
JESUS is an ever present help.

Santa fills your stockings with goodies
JESUS supplies all your needs.

Santa comes down your chimney uninvited
JESUS stands at your door and knocks.. and then enters your heart.

You have to stand in line to see Santa
JESUS is as close as the mention of His name.

Santa lets you sit on his lap
JESUS lets you rest in His arms.

Santa doesn't know your name, all he can say is "Hi little boy or girl, What's your name?"
JESUS knew our name before we did.Not only does He know our name, He knows our address too.He knows our history and future and He even knows how many hairs are on our heads.

Santa has a belly like a bowl full of jelly
JESUS has a heart full of love.

All Santa can offer is HO HO HO
JESUS offers health, help and hope.

Santa says "You better not cry"
JESUS says "Cast all your cares on me for I care for you.

Santa's little helpers make toys
JESUS makes new life, mends wounded hearts, repairs broken homes and builds mansions.

Santa may make you chuckle but
JESUS gives you joy that is your strength.

While Santa puts gifts under your tree
JESUS became our gift and died on the tree.

It's obvious there is really no comparison.
We need to remember WHO Christmas is all about.
We need to put Christ back in Christmas.
Jesus is still the reason for the season.
Yes, Jesus is better, he is even better than Santa Claus!

[2thousand8]

The Lost Purse

A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."

The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."

[bakylotus]

THE 2ND AFFAIR



A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.


They decided to try one last time for the son they
always wanted.


The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby
boy.


The joyful father rushed to the hospital to see his
newly borned son.


He was horrified at the ugliest baby he ever seen.


He told his wife, 'There's no way I can be the father
of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I
fathered. Have you been fooling around behind my
back?'


The wife smiled sweetly and replied, 'No, not this time!'.