Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

A friend of mine spreads some light on the vegan swallowing mystery...

Actually, the question of whether or not it is okay for a vegetarian or vegan to give BJs, and if so, if it was all right to swallow, the general consensus is:

1. It is perfectly all right to give BJs because no animal is harmed in the process.

2. It is okay to ingest sperm because it is not an animal.

Also, sperm is a good source of protein, something that is often lacking when meat is removed from the diet.

You're still my favorite lap dance,

Can you guys imagine dating one of these gals?

I can see it in my mind's eye; your vegan girl comes home from work all worn out, craving your meat.

She looks at you and says, "I need to blow you. I haven't had enough protein today. I'm dizzy and weak and only a protein vanilla slurpee will do."

Damn. A breed of women who not only like performing oral sex, but consider it nourishment. I gotta get me a vegan.

[Yum Cha]

Moses was sitting in the Egyptian ghetto. Things were terrible. Pharaoh wouldn't even speak to him. The rest of the Israelites were mad at him and making the overseers even more irritable than usual, etc. He was about ready to give up.
Suddenly a booming, sonorous voice spoke from above: "You, Moses, heed me ! I have good news, and bad news."
Moses was staggered. The voice continued: "You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel from bondage. If Pharaoh refuses to release your bonds, I will smite Egypt with a rain of frogs."
"You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel to the Promised Land. If Pharaoh blocks your way, I will smite Egypt with a plague of Locust."
"You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel to freedom and safety. If Pharaoh's army pursues you, I will part the waters of the Red Sea to open your path to the Promised Land."
Moses was stunned. He stammered, "That's...that's fantastic. I can't believe it! But what's the bad news?"
"You, Moses, must write the Environmental Impact Statement."

[Yum Cha]

Cal was out driving in the country, seeing how his new car handled the curvy roads at high speeds. As he rounded a corner, one of his tires blew.

When he got out of the car to change the tire, he noticed that he had stopped in front of the state mental asylum. There was also a man sitting on the brick wall in front of the facility.

The driver went about his business, not paying any attention to the guy on the fence. He first took his tire iron and jack out of the car, and got the car jacked up. Then, he removed the hubcap. Next, he removed the six lug nuts, and placed them in the hubcap for safekeeping.

About this time, the guy on the fence decided to start a conversation. This startled the driver, and he reeled around quickly, knocking over the hubcap, and the lug nuts fell into the sewer drain.

The driver gets angry with the guy on the fence, shouting, "Now look what you made me do. Now I'm going to have to walk to town to buy some new lug nuts. Just go back inside and leave me be."

The guy on the fence says, "Why don't you just take one lug nut from each of your other three wheels, and use them on this one. That should hold it steady enough for you to drive the car to the auto parts store."

The driver asks, "That's a brilliant idea...then why are you here?"

The guy on the fence replies, "I'm just crazy, not stupid."

[Yum Cha]

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted, behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21."The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

[Yum Cha]

A couple, desperate to conceive a child, went to their priest and asked him to pray for them. "I'm going on a sabbatical to Rome," he replied, "and while I'm there, I'll light a candle for you."
When the priest returned three years later, he went to the couple's house and found the wife pregnant, busily attending to two sets of twins. Elated, the priest asked her where her husband was so that he could congratulate him.
"He's gone to Rome, to blow that candle out" came the harried reply.

[Yum Cha]

Two women ran into the court of King Solomon, fighting. "My daughter was to marry this man, but this woman claims that the man was to marry HER daughter!" one of them yelled. "There is a simple solution," said the King. "I shall cut the man in two and each of your daughters can have a piece." "Fine by me!" said the first woman. "No, don't, I would rather let the other girl marry him than that!" cried the second. The King didn't hesitate for a minute. "Fine." he said. "The first woman my have him." "What?" protested the other? "She wanted him cut in two!" "Indeed." said the king. "She shows the true spirit of a mother-in-law!"

[Yum Cha]

A brilliant magician was performing on an ocean liner. But every time he did a trick, a talking cat in the audience would scream, "It's a trick. It's not magic. You're a big phony!"
Then one night during a storm, the ship sank while the magician was performing. And who should end up in the same lifeboat together, all alone, but the talking cat and the magician! For three days, they glared at each other, neither one saying a word to the other. Finally the cat sighed and said, "All right, smart-aleck. You and your darn tricks. What did you do with the ship?"

[Yum Cha]

One day while at her job as a bank loan officer, Patty Black, had a frog hop onto her desk and say, "I would like to apply for a lily-pad improvement loan." Patty looked incredulously at the frog and said, "I'm sorry, we don't loan money to frogs." To which the frog replied, "I have collateral," as he handed her a small ceramic trinket. Not wanting to be impolite, Patty said, "I don't know. I'll have to talk to the bank manager."

She walked back to the manager's office and said, "There is a frog out here, asking for a lily-pad improvement loan, and this trinket is all he has for collateral." The bank manager picked up the trinket and looked at it carefully. Then smiling he turned to Patty and said, "Why it's a knick-knack, Patty Black. Give the frog a loan."

[Yum Cha]

A very intelligent boy was fortunate enough to be receiving a far better education than his parents had enjoyed, and his vocabulary far outstripped theirs. One day he came home from school and said “Mommy, may I relate to you a narrative?”
“What’s a narrative, Gerald?” she asked.
“A narrative, Mommy, is a tale.”
“Oh, I see,” said his mother nodding, and Gerald told her his story. At bedtime as he was about to go upstairs he said, “Shall I extinguish the light Mommy?”
“What’s extinguish?” she asked.
“Extinguish means to put out, Mommy,” said brainy Gerald
“Oh, I see. Yes, certainly.”
The next day the clergyman came to tea and the family dog began to make a nuisance of himself, as a dog will, by begging for goodies from the table. “Gerald,” said his mother, trying to impress, “take that dog by the narrative and extinguish him!”

[Yum Cha]

A woman sent her son to get a tin of beans from the store. The boy went and found nobody at the store except the shopkeeper who was up the ladder filling up his shelves.
'Give me a tin of beans for my mother,' said the boy.
The keeper, from up there told him: 'Wait in the line.'
The boy looked around and saw nobody so he said again:
'Give me a tin of beans for my mum.'
The keeper said again: 'I told wait for your turn.'
The boy asked for the third time for the tin of beans.
'Can you see how many people there are before you? I said wait for your turn!'
The boy, who realizes he was being taken for ride, reached for a tin of peas from the lowest shelf and through it at the shopkeeper, hitting him in his forehead.
The Shopkeeper came down bleeding all over and said to the boy:
'See what you have done? You broke my head.'
'Good grief, of all these people you picked up on me?' said the boy and ran away home.

[Yum Cha]

Mr. White and his wife went for a gathering. At commencement of the program, the MC said the people were going to be grouped into two. He said "those whose wives' are the head of the family move to the left-hand side of the auditorium, while those whose husbands are the head of the family should move to the right". Mr. White asked his wife "Honey, which group should we move to?"

[Yum Cha]

A man wanted to prove to a group of alcoholics the effect of alcohol in human body system. He brought two jars; one containing water and the other containing alcohol, along with a very healthy worm. He said to the audience:

"This jar contain water"
He dropped the worm in the jar and said, "Please watch the reaction". The worm swam to the side of the jar and up it floats dangling and swimming.

The man took the worm out of the first jar and put it in the second jar containing alcohol and said to the audience " now watch the reaction" The worm went right down into the water and struggled for survival. There and then every body saw the worm shrinking and dis-integrating, and in one word, died.

The man turned round an asked the audience " what would you all say to this".

After a long silence, someone from the rear stood up and said
" I can see that if I drink alcohol, there will be no more worn in my body".

[bigbirdbird]

A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."

The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"

"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."

"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"

"Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!"

The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"

"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"

The wife sits and thinks about it.

Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?"

The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"

"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!"

"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."

[bigbirdbird]

A father was explaining the facts of life to his teenage son. After covering the basic biology, he moved on to the finer points of love-making:

Dad: One thing to keep in mind, son, is that different women say different things during the sex act, even if you are doing the same thing.

Son: What do you mean, Dad?

F: Well, for example, their words will vary according to their occupation. For example, a prostitute will tend to say, "Are you done yet?" On the other hand, a nymphomaniac will ask, "Are you done already?"

S: What do other women say?

F: Well, a school teacher will say, "We are going to do this over and over again until you get it right!" A nurse will say, "This won't hurt one bit."

S: I thought they said, "Pull down your pants and bend over."

F: That's male nurses. But let's move on, a bank teller will say, "Substantial penalty for early withdrawal." A stewardess will say, "Place this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally."

S: And what does mother say?

F: She says, "Beige... beige... I think we should paint the ceiling beige."

[StillLearning]

Originally Posted by Yum Cha

A woman sent her son to get a tin of beans from the store. The boy went and found nobody at the store except the shopkeeper who was up the ladder filling up his shelves.
'Give me a tin of beans for my mother,' said the boy.
The keeper, from up there told him: 'Wait in the line.'
The boy looked around and saw nobody so he said again:
'Give me a tin of beans for my mum.'
The keeper said again: 'I told wait for your turn.'
The boy asked for the third time for the tin of beans.
'Can you see how many people there are before you? I said wait for your turn!'
The boy, who realizes he was being taken for ride, reached for a tin of peas from the lowest shelf and through it at the shopkeeper, hitting him in his forehead.
The Shopkeeper came down bleeding all over and said to the boy:
'See what you have done? You broke my head.'
'Good grief, of all these people you picked up on me?' said the boy and ran away home.

threw is past tense for throw
through, as is there is a drive-through McDonald's, or you walk through that gate to the park