Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

Top 10 things a man would do if he woke up in the morning with a Vagina:

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do a split.

7. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

6. Get picked up in a bar in less that 10 minutes

5. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

4. Go to the gyno and ask to have the examination recorded on video.

3. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too.

2. Actually catch a buzz off 1 wine cooler.

And the # 1 thing a man would do is:

1. Finally find that damn G-spot.

[bigbirdbird]

Top 10 things a woman would do if she woke up in the morning with a penis:

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at the urinal.

6. Determine why you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch/Shift yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may be to others.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the reason for the light refraction that occurs between man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member.

And the # 1 thing a woman would do is:

1. Repeat # 9.

[Wu Song Jr]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar.

One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking arse."

Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away.

Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.

"That's okay," the blonde replied, "If I don't sell more arse this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car."

Hahahaa ... bro nice joke

Big Huat Arh !!!

[blackface]

Originally Posted by Wu Song Jr

Hahahaa ... bro nice joke

Big Huat Arh !!!

Good afternoon clone master . He always does tell nice good jokes .


Wu Song Jr = clone master = grayface = blackfacenodick = bfacefarter
= ladyboyBface = blackerface = blackfaceborji = orbinblackface = knncborbin

I am only interested in exposing fake female clones in sbf. ( Deborah & NataliDi )

I have already proven that the clone master is INDEED A TRULY COWARD . Why don't you use your main account to talk to me ? It only makes YOU look more stupid clone master .

I have heard that the COWARD CLONE MASTER Wu Song Jr fucked fake female imposters resulting giving birth to ladyboys .

Please do not up me unless I up you . My posts are meant for the 2 fake female imposters . If you do not like what I post you can choose to put me in your Ignore List .

Originally Posted by Wu Song Jr

Clone your asshole la clone ..
Hohoho your smelly chee la hohoho ... hahahaa....
If buay song go find SL or bangla la knn cag hkg ...
You don't know what is family ? coz you're a disgrace to your family.. letting others troubling your family and just keep quiet .. ? What a disgrace ... !!!
I warn you again ... don't mess around with Alice ...

[bigbirdbird]

Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says, "I hear that you've been telling people that I'm ugly!"

"Oh NO! I've just been saying that your new hairdo makes you look less attractive."

"I also heard that you've been calling me fat?!?"

"Oh NO! I just said that the way you wear those stripes makes you look larger than you really are."

"I've also heard that you're saying that my husband has a wart on his dick!"

"Oh NO! I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his dick!"

[bigbirdbird]

Top 10 signs your mate is getting cyber sex

10) He is getting amazingly fast at typing with 1 hand!
9) After signing off she always has a cigarette!
8) After she gets off, the screen's all fogged up!
7) During sex he screams, "a: \ enter insert!"
6) After he uses the computer, the seat is all sticky!
5) Your fax is filled with some guy's ass!
4) The INSERT key on your keyboard is all worn out!
3) The only 3 keys that aren't stiff are: S, E, X!
2) The keyboard is moist!
1) She comes home with a rubber+- inflatable disk drive!

[bigbirdbird]

Two friends, one very wealthy and the other quite poor, were sitting in a bar late one night.

They were talking about different things when the poor man asked the rich man,

"So what did you end up giving you wife for her birthday, the Mercedes or the diamond ring?"

"I got her the Mercedes *and* the diamond ring," says the rich man.

The poor man, a bit puzzled, asked, "Why the hell did you get her both?"

The rich man replied, "I got her both so if she doesn't like the ring, she can drive her new car back to the jeweler's to exchange it. So... What did YOU buy for YOUR wife?"

The poor man says, "I bought her a pair of flip-flops and a dildo."

Obviously confused, the rich man asked why he chose those items.

The poor man replied,

"Because if she doesn't like the flip-flops, she can go fuck herself!"

[bigbirdbird]

Two guys are stranded in the desert dying of thirst. As they're walking along they see a little shack. They run up to it and knock on the door. This big, fat, hairy, smelly, ugly, lady answers. The first man tells the lady about their situation and begs her for a drink.

The women says, "Sure, if you fuck me."

The first man replies, "I would rather die in this desert, then sleep with your fat smelly ass."

The second man wants to live and agrees to do the deed. The second man and the women enter the shack, leaving the first man outside. The women says, "fuck me then!" The man agrees to do it only if she will close her eyes. He looks around the shack and sees a table full of corn on the cob. He picks one up, fucks her with it and throws it out the window. The women opens her eyes and asks for it again.

The man agrees and repeats the deed. The women is finally satisfied and agrees to give the gentleman and his friend some water. The man calls his friend in and informs him that the women is going to give them some water.

The friend replies, "Fuck the water, I want some more of that buttered corn."

[bigbirdbird]

TOP 10 SIGNS THAT YOUR SON HAS GROWN TOO OLD FOR BREAST FEEDING

10. He can open your blouse by himself.

9. While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.

8. He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.

7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.

6. He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.

5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.

4. After each feeding, he has a smoke.

3. He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.

2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to Dueling Banjos.

1. Beard abrasions on areola.

[bigbirdbird]

Two deaf people get married.

During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language.

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals?

For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.

"The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis ... fifty times"

[bigbirdbird]

Two female co-workers are having a conversation at work. - Did you have good sex last night?

No. It was a disaster... Husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in 4 minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in 2 minutes. How about you?

Oh it was amazing... My husband came home. He took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we took a walk for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. After foreplay we had an hour long fantastic sex and after sex we talked for an hour. It was like in a fairytale.

At the same time their husbands are talking at work. - Did you have good sex last night?

Yes, it was great! I came home dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. What about you?

It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity cause I didn't pay the bill. In return I had to take my wife out to dinner and the dinner was so expensive that we didn't have money for a cab so we had to walk home for an hour. I was so angry when we came home that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't cum for another hour. After I finally did I was so mad and aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep for another hour.

[JoseMoanrinho]

Thanks for sharing wonderful jokes bro bigbirdbird

[bigbirdbird]

Top Twenty Signs She's Getting Bored Having Sex With You

20. After you request sex she replies, "Wait 'til the Nyquil kicks in."

19. Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your ass.

18. Actually answers when you ask "Who's your daddy?"

17. Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire.

16. Only moans during commercial breaks.

15. Starts her fake orgasms during foreplay.

14. Keeps trying to set you up with her friends.

13. Runs for vacant Senate seat in New York.

12. You are currently sitting backstage at the Springer show.

11. Beginning to think she is only "playing" dead.

10. During the act, she actually yelled out, "Oh, Baby, Yadda, Yadda,Yadda."

9. Has suddenly started making you pay in advance.

8. Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a .wav file.

7. Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants on, too.

6. Keeps asking, "Are you SURE you're not gay?"

5. Boredom? So that's why she keeps deflating!!

4. Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along.

3. Asks to be on top so she can balance her checkbook better.

2. She yells out her own name.

1. Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin.

[bigbirdbird]

TOP TEN TIMES IN HISTORY WHEN USING THE "F' WORD WAS APPROPRIATE

#10 -- "Scattered Fucking showers, my ass!"
- Noah 4314 BC

# 9 - "How the fuck did you work that out?"
- Pythagorus, 126 BC

# 8 - "You want THAT on the fucking ceiling?"
- Michelangelo, 1568

# 7 - "Where did all those fucking Indians come from?"
- Custer, 1877

# 6 - "It does so fucking look like her!"
- Picasso, 1926

# 5 - "Where the fuck are we?"
- Amelia Earhard, 1937

# 4 - "Any fucking idiot could understand that!"
- Einstein, 1938

# 3 - "What the fuck was that?"
- Mayor of Hiroshima, 1945

# 2 - "I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head!"
- JFK.1963

# 1 - "Aw c'mon, who the fuck is going to find out?"
- Bill Clinton

[bigbirdbird]

Two girlfriends are having a conversation about their boyfriends when the first one says:

"My boyfriend said he fantasized about having two girls at once."

The other replies, "Yeah, most men do. What did you tell him?"

I said, "If you can't satisfy one woman, why would you want to piss off two?


*************


Two high-school buddies were attending the senior prom.

"Suzy wants to go out to my car. She's really hot," one boy said. "I'm really nervous. I know I'll goof up!"

"Take it easy," his friend assured him. "All you gotta do is compliment her. Chicks love to be complimented. You'll have her in the palm of your hand."

About a half-hour later the young man came back, rubbing a black eye.

"Shit, man! What happened to you?!" his buddy asked.

"I took your advice."

"Didn't you compliment her?"

"Sure I did. We got in my car and started kissing. I told her that for such full lips, hers sure tasted sweet. She liked that. After awhile I started feeling her tits, and I told her that for such large breasts they sure were firm. She like that too."

"It sounds like you were doing great," his friend said.

"Well," the other answered, "that's when everything went wrong. I got her dress up and her panties off, and I tried to think of another compliment."

"What did you say?"

"For such a large crack, it doesn't stink much."