Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for
breakfast.
On his way in he kicked a cow, a pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the
table he sees a dry bowl of cereal.
"What's the deal?" he asks.
His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you."
Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicks the pussy cat.
The boy says "Will you tell him, or should I ?"

[bigbirdbird]

"Adam," the heavenly voice called to the Garden of Eden, "what did you and Eve do today?"

"We ate some fruit, Lord," Adam said reverently.

"Did you eat of the forbidden tree?" asked God.

"Yes, Lord, we did," Adam confessed.

"And then what did you do?" God asked.

"We made mad, passionate love all afternoon."

"Where is Eve now?" the Lord bellowed.

"She's down at the brook washing herself out."

"Oh, no," the Lord moaned." Now all my fish are going to smell like PUSSY!"

[bigbirdbird]

A young man in a public swimming pool was startled when his swimsuit fell off.

He was in the deep end, and couldn't find it, no matter how desperately he looked.

Perplexed, he went to the shallow end and tried to figure out what to do.

As he stood there up to his chest in water and watched the young ladies in their bikinis, he was additionally stressed to realize that he now sported a raging hard on.

Finally, he struck up a course of action. He jumped violently out of the water and shouted loudly, "Mad dog! Mad dog!"

Although most of the others in the pool began screaming in fear, a lusty redhead took a more direct course of action.

She tore off her bikini bottoms, flattened him on the ground and straddled him yelling, "Quick! Let me muzzle that son of a bitch before it gets away!"

[bigbirdbird]

One morning while his wife was making breakfast, a man walked up to her and gave her a healthy pinch on her butt.



He said to her, “If you firmed up your butt we could get rid of your girdle.”



The wife was angry but said nothing.



The next morning her husband pinched her breast and said, “If you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra.”



The wife grabbed her husband’s penis and replied, “and if you firmed this up we could get rid of the mailman, the gardener, the pool man, and your brother!”

[bigbirdbird]

Bob and John

John and Bob were inseparable childhood friends.

One night, they both died in a terrible car accident.

When John woke up in heaven, he began to search for Bob but could not find him anywhere.

Very distraught, he ran to St.Peter and said, "St.Peter, I know Bob was killed in that accident with me, but I can't find him!"

St. Peter said, "My son, I am sorry to tell you Bob didn''t make it to Heaven."

This upset John so much that St. Peter agreed to let him see Bob one more time.

St. Peter parted the clouds and John saw Bob sitting in hell with a keg on one side and a beautiful buxom blonde on the other.

John looked at St. Peter skeptically and said, "Are you sure I'm in the right place?"

"My son," St. Peter said, "looks can be deceiving. You see that keg of beer? It has a hole in it. You see that woman? She doesn't!''

[bigbirdbird]

How She Looks

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror for her birthday.

This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror looking at herself and asking him how she looks.

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.

Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow gradually larger over a period of some years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow?" she asks.

The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass didn't it?"

[bigbirdbird]

10 ways you know you've had good sex....

1. Your mattress has turned into a giant sponge.

2. It takes five minutes to unknot your bodies.

3. An earthquake of 3.4 on the Richter Scale is recorded in your area.

4. The cat's exhausted from just watching you.

5. A trampoline company has to come to adjust your bed springs.

6 You've both gone down one clothing size.

7. You cancel your chiropractic appointment. There's nothing left to adjust.

8. You have to breathe into a brown paper bag.

9. Boy, are you hungry!

10. You're absolutely satisfied yet uncontrollably horny at the same time.

[bigbirdbird]

10 Things Men Know

1. Men know that Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman.

2. Men know that PMS is Mother Nature's way of telling you to get out of the house.

3. Men know never to run away from a fight that you know you can win.

4. Men know that cats are evil and cannot be trusted.

5. Men know how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game.

6. Men know exactly how much gas is left in the tank and how far that gas will get them.

7. Men know that from time to time, it is absolutely necessary to adjust oneself.

8. Men know that a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect the man to stare at her cleavage. Men also know that the woman will get pissed off when they do, for reasons not totally clear to them.

9. Men know that it's never a good idea to tell your father-in-law how good his daughter is in bed.

10. Men know that men are from here, and women are from way the hell over there.

[bigbirdbird]

A bachelor has no belly because when he opens a fridge he says:

"Fuck it, the same again!" and then goes to the bed.

Married man has belly because when he comes to the bed he says:

"Fuck it, the same again!" and then goes and opens the fridge.

[Lemon2]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for
breakfast.
On his way in he kicked a cow, a pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the
table he sees a dry bowl of cereal.
"What's the deal?" he asks.
His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you."
Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicks the pussy cat.
The boy says "Will you tell him, or should I ?"

Haha bro good ones

[bigbirdbird]

After the first week of sex education class, a young shapely teen stormed out of the room after the class was over.

Encountering a female friend in the hall, the friend asked, "Lori, what in the world is the matter with you ? You look as if you're about to kill someone."

"I am !!!" Lori fumed. "You just wait until I catch up with that Dennis. All summer long, that clown had me convinced that 'foreplay' involved tossing a coin for position."

[bigbirdbird]

A penis is a splendid thing; you ladies should be jealous. An organ with such lovely skin, it's smooth and mostly hairless.

It starts to grow so quickly when a guy's about thirteen, His testicles on either side, his willy in between.

It dangles neatly down below; it's softly warm and loyal. But at the slightest hint of lust, it's ready to uncoil.

It seems to have a mind all of its own; it's like an untamed beast, It squirms and writhes and stretches out, just when you 'spect it least.

Sometimes, yes, it misbehaves, erecting when it shouldn't. A bumpy train ride sets it off, and then I wish it wouldn't.

During summer, wearing little, sunning on the beach, A glimpse of wobbly boobs or bums will make it squirm and reach.

But handle it with love and care, for it will give great pleasure. I often check if it has grown - now when did I last measure?

Some men will fret about their size: they give it lots of thought; Is seven inches long enough? It makes them quite distraught.

They sneak a look in toilets, wondering what they'll see, But if another glances back at them, there's no way they can pee!

Masturbating is a sin - at least some folks believe. That's just some 'old wives' tale, 'cause it really can relieve.

Without this super organ, no shag would be complete. Lesbians can try their best, but must admit defeat.

It has some splendid functions, I'm sure you will agree: To start a whole new life, and more than that - to pee!

But what seems most amazing about my one-eyed flute, Whatever it is doing, it knows which juice to shoot.

And better yet, it stays with one, until one's old and frail. Don' it out in public though, or you'll be thrown in jail.

[bigbirdbird]

After his annual physical, the sexually active bachelor was waiting in the doctor's office for the results.

"Well," said the doctor, "I have good news and bad news for you."

"The way I feel, please give me the good news first," replied the bachelor.

"The good news," announced the doctor, "is that your penis has grown an additional four inches since your last exam."

"Great!" the man shouted, "What is the bad news?"

"It's malignant," replied the doctor.

[bigbirdbird]

After several years of serving the church in a far away land a priest is requested to report to his new assignment at a church in the South Bonx New York.

Upon his arrival he set out immediately to learn the new culture by taking a walk down the street in plain clothes.

On his way a loose looking woman approaches him and in a lowered voice says, "Hey Buddy... blow job 25 bucks."

The priest glares at her confused and says "What's a blow job?..."

The woman is just as confused and says "What are you a comedian!" and walks off.

The priest undaunted walks on to the next block and again another seedy looking woman confronts him and again repeats, "Hey mister blow job 25 bucks."

The priest quickly replies "What is this blow job!?"

The woman looks at him surprised and thinking something's wrong hurries off.

The priest now very curious returns to the church to ask anyone he can find what exactly this thing he's never heard of is.

The first door he sees as he enters the church is that of Mother Superior.

The priest knocks on the door and Mother Superior invites him in to take a seat.

The priest looks at Mother Superior and says "I have a question - What is a blow job?"

Mother Superior quickly goes to shut the door and upon returning to her seat she replies in a whisper....

"Same as on the outside.... 25 Bucks.... "

[bigbirdbird]

A young stud undergoing his first testosterone attack picks up a young lady and after a while drives to a secluded place a mile from the nearest phone.

After some preliminaries he says "Put out or walk."

The gal says "well, put that way, I'll walk." She gets out of the car and walks back to town.

The next evening the same young stud picks up the same pretty young gal and ends up with the same proposition only this time three miles from town.

Same results. She says "I'll walk." And she does.

The following evening same scenario except the young man drives five miles from town and it is raining.

She doesn't even hesitate. She removes her clothing, his clothing, and proceeds to give him the wildest night of sex he could wish for.

Later he asks her why she refused him the last two nights when obviously she was not new to the sex game.

She answered. "I kind of like you. I was willing to walk one mile. I was willing to walk three miles. But I'll be damned if I'll walk five miles in the rain to keep you from catching gonorrhea."