Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Roadrunner24]

Thanks for sharing

[Madpig]

many thanks for sharing all these very nice jokes bros!

[SimpleIsBest]

A journalist goes to one village for a documentary. In that little village he saw an old man and asked him to narrate a typical happy story of his village.
The old man smiled and began:"One day, a long time ago, my goat got lost in the mountains. As is our tradition, all the men of the village gathered to drink vodka first and then looked for the goat. When we finally found her, as is our tradition, we all drank some more vodka and all the men in the village each got their turn to mate with the goat. We had so much fun that day!"
The journalist realized that he couldn't publish such a story so he asked the old man if he had another happy story.
The old man smiled again and started all over again: "Once, my neighbor’s wife got lost in the mountains. As per our tradition, all of the village's men gathered to drink vodka and then went to look for her. As is our tradition, when we finally found her, all the men in the village got their turn to mate with the neighbor’s wife. We had great fun that day!"
The journalist couldn't publish that story either and therefore asked: "Don't you have a story that is less happy; something... umm ... sadder?"
The old man's smile faded. His eyes welled up..... In a sad, soft voice he began: "One day I got lost in the mountains.....😂

[TKee]

Originally Posted by SimpleIsBest

A journalist goes to one village for a documentary. In that little village he saw an old man and asked him to narrate a typical happy story of his village.
The old man smiled and began:"One day, a long time ago, my goat got lost in the mountains. As is our tradition, all the men of the village gathered to drink vodka first and then looked for the goat. When we finally found her, as is our tradition, we all drank some more vodka and all the men in the village each got their turn to mate with the goat. We had so much fun that day!"
The journalist realized that he couldn't publish such a story so he asked the old man if he had another happy story.
The old man smiled again and started all over again: "Once, my neighbor’s wife got lost in the mountains. As per our tradition, all of the village's men gathered to drink vodka and then went to look for her. As is our tradition, when we finally found her, all the men in the village got their turn to mate with the neighbor’s wife. We had great fun that day!"
The journalist couldn't publish that story either and therefore asked: "Don't you have a story that is less happy; something... umm ... sadder?"
The old man's smile faded. His eyes welled up..... In a sad, soft voice he began: "One day I got lost in the mountains.....😂

Wow! Hope the village got a smaller population of males.

[Seeses]

Nice thread, thanks!!

[bigbirdbird]

Wendy meets Tammy for lunch. "You're looking very tired today, Tammy. Did you have a late night?"

"Yes," replies Tammy, "but it was all very strange. While doing some gardening yesterday, I found a lamp, so I rubbed it and out popped a genie.

He gave me a choice of two wishes."

"Wow," says Wendy, "so what were the choices he gave you, Tammy?"

"He said he could either give me an excellent, sharp, 100% memory or else he could give my boyfriend a bigger penis."

"So tell me already, Tammy, what did you choose?"

"I can't remember," replies Tammy.

[bigbirdbird]

I ran in to Bill the other day and he clearly looked very distraught. I asked him what was wrong.

Bill said, "As you know, I am looking for employment.

I found an ad in the paper for a part in local dinner theater, Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet.
I went and tried out for the part of Romeo. However, I failed my audition through a misunderstanding over a simple stage direction.

My copy of the script clearly said, "Enter Juliet from the rear."

[bigbirdbird]

Two policemen, one a rookie, the other an older red neck cop, were making their rounds through a lover's lane type of spot, when they spied a very young couple fooling around in a tent.

"Cletus, what should we do?" The rookie cop always deferred to his more experienced partner.

Cletus spat some tobacco juice on the ground. "Bo, we tell the little punk to scram, and then we have some fun with little Miss Purty, or we throw 'em both in jail. That's what we do!"

Cletus told Bo to go first, and Bo did.

The boy ran off into the woods and Cletus watched the tent shake, rattle and roll for the next ten minutes.

The girl didn't seem to be too upset that her little boyfriend was gone either!

Bo came back to the car zipping up his uniform, and Cletus went drooling to the tent.

Cletus entered and said, "Now, little girl, you're gonna find out what it's like with a real man."

From under the blanket, Cletus heard an incredulous familiar voice say, "Daddy?"

[bigbirdbird]

Two polish coal miners (Ernie & Rich) were down in the mine working. The noon whistle blew for lunch and Ernie pulled out a thermos of hot coffee. Rich looks at it and says, "Say, Ernie, vat you got dere?"

Ernie says, "Dis is a 2 quart termos bottle."

Rich says, "Ya, I have to get me one."

That night Rich goes home, but forgets what it is called. So the next day they are down in the mine working again and the noon whistle blows for lunch and Ernie pulls out his thermos of hot coffee. Rich looks at it and says, "Say, Ernie, vat you got dere?"

Ernie says, "Dis is a 2 quart termos bottle."

Rich says, "Ya, I have to get me one."

That night Rich goes home, but forgets what it is called again. Well Rich really wants one of these things. So he decides the next day when he asks he's going to write it down so he remembers what it is.

The next day they are down in the mine working again and the noon whistle blows for lunch and Ernie pulls out his thermos of hot coffee. Rich looks at it and says, "Say, Ernie, vat you got dere?"

Well, by this time Ernie's getting pretty upset. Every day Rich asks what it is and never remembers so he decides to just make up stuff since Rich isn't going to remember anyway.

So Ernie says, "Dis is a contraceptive."

Rich says, "Ya, I have to get me one." And he writes it down. That night Rich is in the neighborhood drug store and the pharmacist sees him walking around and says to him, "Can I help you?"

Rich says, "Ya, I'd like a contraceptive."

And the pharmacist says, "Sure, what size?"

Rich says, "Give me da 2 quart size, I'll be working in da hole all day!"

[bigbirdbird]

Top 10 things a man would do if he woke up in the morning with a Vagina:

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do a split.

7. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

6. Get picked up in a bar in less that 10 minutes

5. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

4. Go to the gyno and ask to have the examination recorded on video.

3. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too.

2. Actually catch a buzz off 1 wine cooler.

And the # 1 thing a man would do is:

1. Finally find that damn G-spot.

[bigbirdbird]

Top 10 things a woman would do if she woke up in the morning with a penis:

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at the urinal.

6. Determine why you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch/Shift yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may be to others.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the reason for the light refraction that occurs between man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member.

And the # 1 thing a woman would do is:

1. Repeat # 9.

[bigbirdbird]

Two guys are stranded in the desert dying of thirst. As they're walking along they see a little shack. They run up to it and knock on the door. This big, fat, hairy, smelly, ugly, lady answers. The first man tells the lady about their situation and begs her for a drink.

The women says, "Sure, if you fuck me."

The first man replies, "I would rather die in this desert, then sleep with your fat smelly ass."

The second man wants to live and agrees to do the deed. The second man and the women enter the shack, leaving the first man outside.

The women says, "fuck me then!" The man agrees to do it only if she will close her eyes. He looks around the shack and sees a table full of corn on the cob. He picks one up, fucks her with it and throws it out the window. The women opens her eyes and asks for it again.

The man agrees and repeats the deed. The women is finally satisfied and agrees to give the gentleman and his friend some water. The man calls his friend in and informs him that the women is going to give them some water.

The friend replies, "Fuck the water, I want some more of that buttered corn."

[Frau]

Nice thread, support

[DustBike]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

I ran in to Bill the other day and he clearly looked very distraught. I asked him what was wrong.

Bill said, "As you know, I am looking for employment.

I found an ad in the paper for a part in local dinner theater, Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet.
I went and tried out for the part of Romeo. However, I failed my audition through a misunderstanding over a simple stage direction.

My copy of the script clearly said, "Enter Juliet from the rear."

Hahahaa nice one!!

[bigbirdbird]

Sue was playing hard to get, so Greg played his last and biggest trump card. "I'll bet you I can keep my eye on my beer whilst 1 go out to my car," he challenged her.

Sue knew that this was impossible so she put down $10 and said, "You're on."

Greg took out a glass eye, placed it on the bar beside his glass, went out to his car, came back and claimed the bet." Tell you what, I'll give you a chance to win your money back", he said. I bet you $10 I can bite my own ear."

"No chance! You're on". said Sue.

He took out a set of false teeth and bit his ear lobe with them, and picked up the money once again he said. " To show you I am a sport,I'll give you another chance, Double or nothing. I bet you I can poke my head through
his hole", he said, holding up his hand and making a circle with his thumb and forefinger.

Sue checked the size of the hole several times and said, "OK, smartie! You're on."

He poked the forefinger of his other hand through the hole and touched his forehead. "You're down $40", said Greg, "I'll give you one last chance to get your money back. 1 bet I can make love to you so gently, so tenderly that you won't even feel it."

Sue knew that this was just impossible, so she threw down $40 and said, "No way you can do that! You're on!"

Greg led Sue to the back seat of his car where he proceeded to bonk the daylights out of her, fucking furiously.

"Oh wow! Oh God! Oh shit!" Sue screamed. "1 can feel it! oh my God, can I feel it!!! Oh WOW! You've lost the bet Mr. Smart Arse."

"Ah, what a bastard," said Greg as he continued fucking Sue, "but ... you win some, you lose some"