Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

Depressed


A young Sussex woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea but just as she stood on the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you safe.”

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia, the woman accepted.

That night the sailor smuggled her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold.

From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of rum, and have sex with her until dawn.

Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food every day and I get a free trip to Australia."

"I see," said the captain. Her conscience then got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's fucking me."

"He certainly fucking is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."

[bigbirdbird]

They are In Love


Little Johnny and Susie were only 10 years old, but they just knew that they were in love.

One day they decided that they wanted to get married, so Johnny went to Susie's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walked up to him and said "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replied, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replied "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith said with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie."

Again, Johnny instantly replied, "Our allowance...Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that'll do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith was a little shocked that Johnny had put so much thought into this. So, he thought for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny wouldn't have an answer for.

After a second, Mr. Smith said, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

Little Johnny is not so cute any more.

[bigbirdbird]

Old Maid Sisters


There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins.

It's Friday night, and Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin. I'm going out and I'm not coming home 'til I've been laid!!"

Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10, so I won't worry."

10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys...

11 o'clock...

12 o'clock...

Finally, about 15 after 1 the front door flies open.. In runs Gladys... straight to the bathroom.

Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys?"

No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself.

"What is it, Gladys? What's wrong?" asks Betty.

"Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in.... and 5 when it came out. When I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!!"

[hotbo]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Old Maid Sisters


There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins.

It's Friday night, and Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin. I'm going out and I'm not coming home 'til I've been laid!!"

Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10, so I won't worry."

10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys...

11 o'clock...

12 o'clock...

Finally, about 15 after 1 the front door flies open.. In runs Gladys... straight to the bathroom.

Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys?"

No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself.

"What is it, Gladys? What's wrong?" asks Betty.

"Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in.... and 5 when it came out. When I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!!"

hahhahaa this is funny!!!!

[lobangkingz]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

"Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in.... and 5 when it came out. When I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!!"

really funny joke bro, please share more.

[asewang]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

They are In Love


Little Johnny and Susie were only 10 years old, but they just knew that they were in love.

One day they decided that they wanted to get married, so Johnny went to Susie's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walked up to him and said "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replied, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replied "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith said with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie."

Again, Johnny instantly replied, "Our allowance...Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that'll do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith was a little shocked that Johnny had put so much thought into this. So, he thought for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny wouldn't have an answer for.

After a second, Mr. Smith said, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

Little Johnny is not so cute any more.

Bery nice joke, tks bro.

[justifywinner]

Really funny joke bro, hope to read more.

[onemaysop]

So funny jokes here, camping for more.

[bitchyblack]

Originally Posted by asewang

Bery nice joke, tks bro.

Fully agreed, cherry nice jokes.

[Pushpavali]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

They are In Love


Little Johnny and Susie were only 10 years old, but they just knew that they were in love.

One day they decided that they wanted to get married, so Johnny went to Susie's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walked up to him and said "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replied, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replied "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith said with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie."

Again, Johnny instantly replied, "Our allowance...Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that'll do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith was a little shocked that Johnny had put so much thought into this. So, he thought for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny wouldn't have an answer for.

After a second, Mr. Smith said, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

Little Johnny is not so cute any more.

Nice one bro

[35cents]

nice one bro! Little Johnny is ma hero!

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

They are In Love


Little Johnny and Susie were only 10 years old, but they just knew that they were in love.

One day they decided that they wanted to get married, so Johnny went to Susie's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walked up to him and said "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replied, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replied "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith said with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie."

Again, Johnny instantly replied, "Our allowance...Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that'll do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith was a little shocked that Johnny had put so much thought into this. So, he thought for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny wouldn't have an answer for.

After a second, Mr. Smith said, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

Little Johnny is not so cute any more.

[bigbirdbird]

Very old joke

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man.
"Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man." "Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.

Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion.

He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear.

Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought.

"If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out.

As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

[bigbirdbird]

Two blonde girls walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle.

Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it, "That's quite nice, don't you think, Tracy?"

"Yeah. What's it called, Sharon?"

"Viens a moi."

"Viens a moi? What does that mean?"

At this stage the assistant offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me'."

Sharon takes anther sniff and offers her arm to Tracy again saying, "That doesn't smell like come to me. Does that smell like come to you?"

[bigbirdbird]

Shorts


An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall. 'Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'' The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, ''Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?'' ''I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with boobs like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.''



It is good for woman to meet man in park, but better for man to park meat in woman.



At the retreat, Jane and Joe were told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.' Jane wrote: 'When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree, and that they respect each other very much, just like Joe and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act of physical sex with one another.' And Joe wrote: 'I love sex.'




How do you make a snooker table laugh.
Put your hands in its pocket and tickle its balls.



Hear about the movie featuring a woman who uses a wooden vibrator? It is called, "Love is a many-splintered thing."



As a hooker was dressing, she turned to her customer and asked, "Have you just gotten out of prison?" "Yeah," the guy replied. "How did you guess? Is it because I wanted to have sex from the rear?" "Partly." She said. "But more because when we finished, you ran around in front of me, bent over, and shouted, 'YOUR TURN.'"



Female tears and male sperms are so similar. They're always eager to come out and only one in a million is for the right cause!



Completing his examination of the uncommonly well-built, beautiful lass, the doctor said solemnly, "You are a very sick young lady. I don't want you returning to work this afternoon. Go home, get undressed, and get into bed. Drink about a third of this bottle of medicine I'm preparing for you - it will make you drowsy. I don't want you to answer your phone or let anybody into your apartment until you hear three short knocks.

[bigbirdbird]

Magic Quilt


A young man in the military was stationed in Germany.

One day, on a weekend pass he went to a bazaar and found an old woman selling quilts. The young man approached her booth and picked up a quilt.

He then turned to the woman and asked "How much?"

The woman replied, "$25 dollars American, but I must warn you, the quilt was made by a gypsy and has magic woven into it."

Paying the woman no mind, he paid for the quilt, and returned to base. That night he slept under the quilt and dreamt that he was extremely wealthy.

The next morning mail call had a surprise letter for him. His wife had played the lottery and won $65 million dollars.

The next night he slept under the quilt and dreamt that he had sex with a beautiful woman that he had seen on the base.

The next day, the base doctor (the woman in question) Brings him to her office and has sex with him on the exam table.

Excitedly, the next night, the man hurried to bed and dreamt that his penis reached his ankles.

To his horror, he awoke to find his legs had shrunk to four inches long.