Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Playman]

Sign language....

A guy is driving out in the middle of nowhere, and gets lost. Finally, he spots two houses in the distance. He stops and goes up to the first house. Approaching the home, he see an elderly couple on the front porch. As he gets closer, he sees an old lady yanking on her boobs and an old man jerking off.

Startled, he runs back to his car and drives on to the other house. He knocks on the door, and then asks the homeowner: "What's up with your neighbors?" He then explains what he saw.

The owner of the house says: "Oh, that's just the Robinsons - they're both deaf. She's telling him to go milk the cow and he's telling her to go fuck herself!"
__________________

[Playman]

Finding a cure....

A doctor finished examining a man in his office. "It's just a cold," he announced: "There is no cure, and you'll just have to live with it until it goes away."

"But, Doctor," the patient whined: "it's making me so miserable."

The doctor rolled his eyes toward the ceiling. Then he said: "Look, go home and take a hot bath. Then put a bathing suit on and run around the block three or four times."

"What!" the patient exclaimed: "I'll get pneumonia!"

"Exactly," the doctor replied: "We have a cure for pneumonia."

[Playman]

Keeping the family together....

An elderly man in Boston calls his son in Los Angeles and says: "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; 45 years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says: "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in St. Louis and tell her!" and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts: "I'll take care of this."

She calls her dad immediately, and screams at the old man: "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. OK," he says: "They're coming home for the holidays and they're paying their own airfares!"

[Playman]

If it's worth doing....

The visiting minister was surprised when he went into the pulpit to find just one person in the congregation -- an old farmer.

He went down to him and said: "Is it worth proceeding?"

"What do you mean?" asked the farmer.

"Well," said the minister: "Is it worth having a service for such a small congregation?"

"When I take the bucket of food to the hens and only one turns up I don't send it away hungry," the farmer replied.

Moved by this simple analogy, the minister went back to the pulpit and went through the whole service, including a long and very forceful sermon. When he had finished he went down to the farmer and asked: "Was that OK?"

The farmer rather tersely replied: "When I take the bucket of food to the hens and only one turns up, I don't give it the whole bucket."

[Playman]

A long trip at the movies....


A man goes to the movies, looks for a seat, but the only empty seats he can find have a guy sprawled across them.

"Hey buddy," the man says: "Get up so I can sit down."

The guy squints and says: "Uhhhhh."

"Come on, get up," the man says again. Again the response is the same: "Uhhhhh."

"OK," the man says: "I'm getting the manager."

The manager comes in and tells the guy to get off the seats but only gets the same response. With that, the manager tells the guy in the seats he is getting a cop. The cop comes in and says to the guy: "Hey bud, get outta the seats."

"Uhhhhh," the guy responds.

The cop says: "That’s it! I'm going to arrest you!"

"Uhhhhh," the guy responds.

"OK," the cop says: "What's your name?"

"Irving," the guy responds.

"Where are you from?" the cop asks.

Raising his hand skyward, the man replies: "The balcony!"

[Playman]

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married:

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight: "I promise."

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded,
I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed..3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos=MIDNITE.)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight." He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew. Got away with that one.

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh *****" cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

[Playman]

Q. How do you make a one-armed blonde fall out of a tree??

A. Wave to her.

[Playman]

Fellow 1 : "Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the
year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not
only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he
was right about that too."

Fellow 2 : "Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of that?"

Fellow 1 : "A judge told him."

[Playman]

a blond is passing a sex shop when she notices a sign
" All new vibrators from all over the world. -50%"

she looks around....hesitates and then quickly walks in.

she goes to the counter...watcher some vibrators and asks the salesman at a low voice.
"khm could i have the silver one plz"

salesman:" oo no...thats my coffee thermos"

[Playman]

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.

The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"

The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"

[Roman city]

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window,
"I want to open a damn checking account."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damnit. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."

The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him
of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen
to foul language.

They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer,
"Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in
the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn
bank, okay?"

"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

[oceanic]

BASTARD.

GIRL: I have sinned. I called my boyfriend a BASTARD.
PSYCHIATRIST: Well now, that's not a nice thing to call
anyone, so what did he do to deserve that?
GIRL: Well, he kissed me.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist kissed the girl )
GIRL: ......Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he put his hand in my top.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist put his hand in the girl's top )
GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he took my clothes off.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist took off the girl's clothes )
GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he had sex with me!
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist had sex with the girl )
GIRL: .Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, then he told me he has AIDS.
PSYCHIATRIST: BASTARD!!!!!

[Thailord]

Story of The Cocks.

A farmer rears 25 young hens and 1 old cock.

As the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer bought one young cock from the market.

Old cock: Welcome to join me, we will work together towards productivity.

Young cock: What do you mean? As far as I know, you are old and should retire.

Old cock: Young boy, there are twenty-five hens here, can't I help you with some?

Young cock: No! Not even one, all of them will be mine.

Old cock: In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition and if I win, you shall allow me to have one hen and if I lose you will have all.

Young cock: Ok! What kind of competition?

Old cock: 50 meter runs, from here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 meters...

Young cock: No problem! We will compete tomorrow morning.

Confidently, the following morning, the Young cock allows the Old cock to start off and when the Old cock crosses the 10 meters mark, the Young cock chases him with all his might.

Soon enough, he was behind the Old cock back in a matter of seconds.

Suddenly, Bang! ..... Before he could overtake the Old cock, he was shot dead by the farmer, who cursed, "F#$%king hell! This is the fifth GAY chicken I've bought this week!"

Moral of the story: Never under-estimate an old cock

[S.B.Y]

Halo Mas (bros)

My humblest apologises

Actually being here to support Mas undress on this thread

[Roman city]

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument over which gender enjoyed sex more. The man said, “Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we’re so obsessed with getting laid?” “That doesn’t prove anything!” the woman countered. “Think about this… when your ear itches and you put your finger in it to scratch, then pull it out, which feels better – your ear or your finger?”