Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[oceanic]

CATHOLIC COFFEE


Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.


The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."


The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."


The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."


Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well.....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,


slim,


tall,


38D breast,


24" waist and


34" hips.


When she walks into a room, everyone says, "Oh My God."

[Roman city]

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about the next day’s final exam. He said there would be no acceptable excuses for failing to show up to the exam, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member’s death. One male student raised his hand and asked, “What about extreme sexual exhaustion?” The students in the classroom burst into laughter, and after subsiding the teacher glared at the student and said ”That’s no excuse, you can use your other hand to write.”

[bakylotus]

INTERESTING FACT ABOUT FEBRUARY 2010


It has 4 Mondays, 4 Tuesdays, 4 Wednesdays,
4 Thursdays, 4 Fridays, 4 Saturdays and 4
Sundays, it comes once every 11 years!

[birdie8819]

Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church to a Reformatory. They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house. Every time they passed in front of that house, the bird would pronounce three sequential colors.

One day, they heard, "Yellow, blue, black." One of the nuns noticed that those colors perfectly matched the colors of their underwear. She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible.

The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke, "Black, black, black."

Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished. One of the nuns spoke up, "Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird." After saying that, she recommended that the next day, none of them should be wearing any underwear under their vestments.

Respecting their agreement, the next day they wore no underwear, and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot's house. They peeked at the bird.

At the beginning, the parrot looked a bit puzzled. He swung back and forth on the cane he was perched on.

Then, after a while, the Parrot spoke, "Straight, Straight, Curly!"


**********

There was once a woman who owned a dog that she named Titswiggle.

One day when she came home from work she discovered that her

beloved dog had run away. She was out all night asking if anyone had seen a loose dog. Nobody had seen him that night, but the next morning she met a little boy who said that he had seen a stray dog.

The dog he described matched hers exactly. Upon finding out this information she asked the young boy,

"Have you seen my Titswiggle?"

Then the boy said,

"No, but can that be my reward?"

[birdie8819]

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs andmake love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all nighter" means not getting up to pee.

[birdie8819]

A notorious womanizer left a trail of broken hearts behind him, until he betrayed the wrong woman-- a practicing witch.

The morning after she caught him with another girl, he awoke with an itchy bump in the middle of his forehead.

He thought it was a pimple, but it continued to grow to ridiculous proportions throughout the day.

In a panic, he sought the advice of a physician who examined the man and ran tests on the strange tissue.

By now the bump was three inches long, and starting to take an oddly familiar shape.

"What is this thing growing out of my head, Doctor?"

"We've run every test we know to confirm the findings," he said gravely, "but they all tell us the same thing. The bump in your forehead is developing into a fully grown penis."

"I can't believe this! Isn't there anything you can do?"

"I'm afraid not. Removing it would kill you."

"I'll be a freak! No woman will come near me!"

"There's more," said the Doctor. "You're going to experience vision problems."

"Will I go blind, Doc?" said the man.

"No, you'll just have trouble seeing with testicles hanging in front of your eyes."


**********


Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again ...ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard on."

The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" "I couldn't even get on the fucking bed

[birdie8819]

Teenagers are people who act like babies if they're not treated like adults.

An argument is two people trying to get in the last word first.

Politicians are people who get sworn in and then cursed out.

These days the meaning of "a faithful husband" is one whose alimony checks arrive on time.

Elections are when people find out what politicians stand for, and politicians find out what people will fall for.

The dollar will never fall as low as what some people will do to get it.

America is a land which fought for freedom and then began passing laws to get rid of it

If banks are so good with numbers, why are there always eight windows and three tellers?

These days, the problem with many neighborhoods is that there are more hoods than neighbors.

Nowadays, an after-dinner mint is what you need to pay the restaurant check.

The U. N. is a place where governments opposed to free speech demand to be heard.

Starting a war in the name of peace is like poking a hole in a balloon to get more air into it.

[birdie8819]

Three old black ladies were preparing for their first plane flight.

The first lady said, "I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gonna wear me some hot pink panties on dis flight."

"Why you gonna wear dat?" the other two asked.

The first replied, "Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dere laying butt-up in a corn field, dey gonna find me first."

The second lady says, "Well, I'm gonna wear me some fluorescent orange panties."

"Why you gonna wear dem?" the others asked.

The second lady answered: "Cause if dat plane goes down and I'm floating butt-up in the ocean, dey can see me first."

The third old lady says, "Well, I'm not going to wear any panties at all."

"What, no panties?!" the others said in disbelief.

"Dat's right," says the third lady. "I'm not wearing any panties, cause if dat plane goes down, the first thing they always looks for is da black box.

[birdie8819]

Happy early Valentines Day

Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

David's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," David says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden," his father asks in shock.

"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride.

"David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him."..

[birdie8819]

Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers?
A. They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odours, and half the time they don't work.

Q. How can you tell when a man is well hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q. How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
A. We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

Q. How do men exercise on the beach?
A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Q. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
A. Make him wear shoes.

Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A. Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

Q. How does a man show he's planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Q. How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
A. All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

Q. What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
A. Any place without a drive-up window.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.

Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?
A. His body.

Q. What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A. A power failure.

Q. What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.

Q. What do men and mascara have in common?
A. They both run at the first sign of emotion.

Q. What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A. They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!

Q. What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
A. His wife is good at picking out clothes.

Q. What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
A. Sex.

Q. What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?
A. Telling you his real name.

Q. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.

Q. What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
A. Big Foot's been spotted a several times.

Q. What's the smartest thing a man can say?
A. "My wife says..."

Q. Why can't men get mad cow disease?
A. Because they're all pigs.

Q. Why do men like smart women?
A. Opposites attract.

Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.

Q. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
A. Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Q. Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A. Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
A. Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. When do you care for a man's company?
A. When he owns it.

Q. What do men and sperm have in common?
A. They both have one in a million chance of becoming a human being.

[birdie8819]

Because he said ....


My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

I knew a girl so ugly tha t she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after th e meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't of had anything to play with.

[Roman city]

A man tells his wife that he’s going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it’s closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beers and the next thing he knows he’s in this girl’s apartment having sex with her.

Hours go by and suddenly he realizes is’s almost 3am. “Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!” he exclaimed. “Quick give me some talcum powder!” She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he gets home his wife is up waiting for him and she’s furious. “Where the hell have you been?”

He says, “Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her.” “Let me see your hands!” she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.

“Damn liar, you were out bowling again!”

[beary]

This man went into a night-club and saw a gorgeous honey sitting by her self at the bar, he asked her to dance.

She agreed and they took to the dance floor for a slow one.

While they were cheek to cheek, the guy said "Your really smell terrific. What's that you have on?"

The flattered girl told him it was Chanel #5.

Then wanting to return the compliment, she said, "You smell good, too. What is it that you have on?"

"Well, I've got a hard on, but I didn't think you could smell it," the guy replied.

[beary]

This young couple have been trying to have a baby.

After six months they complain to the doctor that they just aren't having any luck.

"What position are you in when you ejaculate?" the physician asks Frank, the husband.

"What's 'ejaculate'?" asks Frank.

"Well, uh, that's when you climax and semen is emitted," explained the doctor patiently.

The young man looks puzzled for a few moments then asks, "Do you mean the gooey white stuff? Well, my little honey says it's icky... so I shoot it into the pillow."

[beary]

This young lady, sitting in a wheelchair at the local city pub, said that she had to leave.
Her drinking companion Bill, being somewhat of a noble fellow, decided that -- as her home was uphill and some streets away -- offered to push her home.

On the way home, they stopped to rest and to chat.
Full of alcoholic bravado, he remarked that she was a good looking gal and that it was too bad that, being a cripple, she probably didn't get much chance for any normal escapades.

Surprisingly, she answered quite boldly that this was not the case.

In fact, she said, "if you look in the alleyway you will see a hook imbedded in the wall. If you will attach my braces to that hook, we can easily have a fine time."

No sooner said than done and they had a wonderful time.

At the end, he carefully unhooked her, placed her back in the wheelchair, and took her home.

As he was saying goodnight, her father came to the door and invited the young man in for a nightcap after he took his daughter up to bed.

When he came down, the father was so friendly and nice that Bill's conscience began to prod him.

Blushing somewhat, he admitted to the father that he had "had his way" with his daughter.
The father took the statement with such good graces that Bill had to ask why he was being treated so well after doing such a dastardly thing to his daughter.

The father looked at him quite seriously and said, "I knew you were a good man the moment you came in the door.
Most of her other dates leave her hanging on that damn hook!"