Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[kasaya]

Very nice joke thread, thanks bros!

[Hurricane88]

😍Can not stop laughing, after reading this.😇😂🤣😅🤣😅🤣😅🤣😅
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An old church in a village in Brazil was leaking and the walls were almost collapsing. After the service the Padre asked the worshipers if they could organize a fundraising to rebuild the church... He told them to contribute whatever God has blessed each and everyone of them with. If you have some money, you can bring the money. If you earn a living by selling tomatoes in the market, you can bring the tomatoes and they get them auctioned to raise the money... If you operate a hardware it would be even better; you can bring some nails and iron sheets for the roof... whatever you have. Eventually, it was the day of fundraising and worshippers came out in large numbers, some with money in their pockets, others with goods depending on their jobs and sources of livelihood... They were met by a strange sight; a coffin at the entrance of the church!...Gosh! Who had died?... but then again it was on a Sunday and funeral services were never conducted on Sundays.... What was going on?

People started talking in whispers asking what was the meaning of it...they started pointing fingers to an old man seated at a corner; he was the coffin maker... Some looked at him in open hostility, but he didn't mind them... the Padre had said that people should bring whatever God has blessed you with, right?... and he was a coffin maker...

After the service it was time to raise funds ; those who had money contributed, hardware people gave iron sheets and other building equipments and materials; tomato traders had brought their tomatoes which were auctioned away... Finally, the coffin maker dragged his coffin to the front of the church and stood still... people gasped and fell silent... you could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly an old man, a friend of the coffin maker stood up... he offered 15,000 for the coffin on behalf of the padre... said he was buying it for the padre... The Padre shot up so fast with eyes wide open....his lips suddenly very dry. He quickly offered 20,000 for the coffin on behalf of the leader of CWA (Catholic women Association). The Lady nearly stumbled as she sprang to her feet looking so shocked at seeing her coffin... "No! no! no!" She shouted, "it is not mine! ...I ...I ... I..will buy it for the Catechist!... 30,000 please!... please! The Catechist nearly peed on himself. He turned to look at her angrily as if to ask "do you want to kill me?!" Clearly nobody wanted the coffin and it kept on being passed around until finally another old rich man stood and said that he is offering 100,000 for the coffin and he is buying it on behalf of the coffin maker... The coffin maker took his coffin and returned it to his shop....smiling.

The coffin maker, someone who was looked down upon, someone whom people jeered that he benefits from the misfortunes of others, raised the greatest amount of money for the church without contributing even a single coin.
You can serve God in many different ways. Perhaps people belittle you until you see yourself as a nobody.... but God wants you just the way you are. He will turn your shame into honor.

[Hurricane88]

3 men in a prison........ A rapist, a psycho nd a gay.

Rapist: If i find a cat here, i’ll fuck it till it dies.....

Psycho: And once its dead, i’ll fuck it till i die....

Gay, standing in d corner softly says:
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Meoowww....🤯🤗😬

[Hurricane88]

Just for good laugh...

[bigbirdbird]

Dictionary of Obscure Sexual Terms



Angry Dragon - Immediately after you blow your load in a girl's mouth, smack the back of her head and make it come out her nose. When she gets up she'll look like an angry dragon.

Arabian Goggles - A "seldom-seen" maneuver when you put your testicles over her eye sockets while getting head. (Picture it: ass on forehead) It may be anatomically impossible, but what the fuck else is new.

The Bait N' Tackle - The sailors used this one in the old Navy days. Before you go off for a long, lonely voyage, get yourself a tall jar and fill it completely with earthworms. When you get lonely, open the jar and fuck away.. The earthworms will provide some slithery stimulation, and your protein load will keep them nicely fed. Gone fishing!

Ballsacking - Takes some luck of the gene pool, but if you're able to do it, always great fun. While you are straddling her, take your nutsack and spread it out over her face like pizza dough.

Bear Claw - A synonym for extremely large pussy lips.

Beef Curtain - The shanked out remains of the labia after being stretched like Play-Doh from an hour or so of jimmy-jam.

Beer Dick - This is what most guys get after a good night of drinking. They tend to fuck anything with a pussy while experiencing beer dick.

Blumpy - You need to find a real tramp to do this right. It involves having her sucking you off while you are on the shitter.

The Bronco - You start by going doggy style and then just when she is really enjoying it, you grab her tits as tight as possible and yell another girls name. This gives you the feeling of riding a wild bronco as she desperately tries to buck you off.

Brown Bagging It - Sometimes you meet a girl with a body like there's no tomorrow but a face like a mangy dog. Don't let that body go to waste and let her hideousness stop you from fucking her though. Just draw the smiley face on a brown paper bag, place it over her head, and fuck away while keeping your composure and piece of mind.

Brown Necktie - You're about halfway through ass-wrecking a chick, and instead of filling up her keister with your demonseed, you pull out and proceed to tittie fuck her, leaving a brown streak between the funbags.

Brunski - When a man puts his face between a woman's breasts and quickly moves his head back and forth while saying "Brunski" in a very drawn out and exaggerated manner. (There are many other variant names.)

The Bullwinkle - The sign given to a friend in hiding while doggie styling' some chick. It is performed by placing both hands over the head, with palms facing out and waving wildly. Can be supplemented by shouting "Hey Rocky." (Make sure to use appropriate Bullwinkle voice tone.)

Butter Face - When you see a chick with an awesome body, "but her face", is nasty.

The Canine Special - Liberally apply peanut butter to your dick and call over the family dog. Lick Ubu lick. Good Dog. Arf!

The Carpet Cleaner - While banging a girl doggy style, tie her arms behind her back, lift up her hips, and run around the room pushing her face first across the carpet. Not recommended with large women.

The Chili Dog - When you take a hot dump on a girl's tits and then proceed to titty fuck her.

Chocolate Pizza - Happily discovering hemorrhoids while eating a shitty brown eye.

Cleveland Steamer - The act of leaving a shit stain on the rib cage of a woman while receiving penile pleasure from friction between the mammaries.

Cock-Stuffing - Apparently somewhat on the fringe in gay circles, but involves using thin, cylindrical items (thermometers, wire, rubber worms, etc.), and inserting them into the dick hole. Over many months, continue to gradually ream out the hole-at-the-head with larger items, thus ultimately allowing your "buddy" to obtain the goal of fucking your urethra. Wow!

Cold Lunch - The act of vomiting directly onto some chick's head while she's performing fellatio.

The Concoction - First, ejaculate all over the floor. Next, have your psycho bitch girlfriend menstruate on your semen. Stir it with your finger until you get a nice thick pink mixture. Proceed to paint yourselves up silly, just as if you were in kindergarten again.

Cop's Delight - The act of taking a girl in the ass, pulling out, and spewing all over her "pastry buns", thus transforming her rump into the allusion of an over sized, quivering glazed donut.



The Corkscrew - Cross your fingers, middle over index. Twist your wrist back and forth and go to work on your desired orifice. With practice, you'll have the effectiveness of a dill press and within weeks you'll be able to bore through wood.

[bigbirdbird]

My friend Felix is still out there job hunting.

He says he always has a problem when filling out the job application and gets to the part about 'Sex: F or M.'

He says he never knows which to choose --
He says he really likes to Fuck, but he spends most of the time alone Masterbating.

[bigbirdbird]

Results of a recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.

* This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone,
and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.

* This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.

* This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex

* This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.

* Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.

* This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And, last, but not least:

The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.

* You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself!

[bigbirdbird]

If Sex Was Sold In A Grocery Store


Men would do a much better job of searching for and clipping coupons.

Hookers are renamed "Special Stock Girls."

If you ever were not "prepared", you could always go to Aisle 8

There's gonna be confusion over Trix on Aisle 3 and "Tricks" on Aisle 10.

Clean up on Aisle 10 would take on a whole new meaning.

Same with the phrase "Freshness Dating."

Same with "Buy One, Get One Free."

No one wants to win the One Millionth Shopper award.

Paper or Plastic or Rubber?

Some men would still be in the Express Lane

[lungar]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

Just for good laugh...

Had a real good laugh bro, thanks

[Hurricane88]

*Laughter Therapy*

While getting married, most of the guys say to girl's parents, "I will keep your daughter happy for the rest of her life".

Have you ever heard a girl saying something like this to the boy's parents like "I will keep your son happy for the rest of his life"?

No. Because women don't tell lies!

🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊

A small argument between a couple turns violent.

Husband says: Don’t let the animal in me come out!

Wife replies: Who’s afraid of a mouse?

🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊

If wife wants husband’s attention, she just has to look sad and uncomfortable.

If husband wants wife’s attention, he just has to look comfortable and happy.

🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊

A Philosopher HUSBAND said:

Every WIFE is a ‘Mistress’ of her Husband.

“Miss” for first year and “Stress” for rest of the life.

🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊

Do you remember the tingling feeling when you took the decision to get married?

That was common sense leaving your body.

🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊

Son: Dad, l got selected for a role in a play for annual day!

Dad: What role are you playing?

Son: A husband!

Dad: Stupid, ask for a role with dialogues!

🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊

Man outside phone booth: “Excuse me, you are holding phone since 29 minutes and you haven’t spoken a word”.

Man inside: “I am talking to my wife!”

🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊

A very intelligent girl was asked the meaning of marriage. She said, “sacrificing the admiration of hundred guys, to face the criticism of one idiot.”

🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊

Position of a husband is just like a Split Air-Cond. No matter how loud he is outdoor, he is designed to remain silent indoor!

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Husband to wife: You should learn to embrace your mistakes.

She hugged him immediately.

😝😂🤣😜

Share to make others smile. Laughter works like medicine!

[otamay]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

*Laughter Therapy*

A Philosopher HUSBAND said:

Every WIFE is a ‘Mistress’ of her Husband.

“Miss” for first year and “Stress” for rest of the life.

🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊


😝😂🤣😜

Share to make others smile. Laughter works like medicine!

Thanks for the smiling and laughing medicine, I like this joke best.

[Hurricane88]

Your DUCK IS DEAD

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1,500!" she cried,"$1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1,500."

You know the drill .....if you're smiling, you must pass it on, give someone else a smile too! Share the laughter.

[bigbirdbird]

[bigbirdbird]

[Hurricane88]

More laughter best medicine...