Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

Granny and Shrimp





Little Johnny runs into the living room one day and says, "Mom, why has Granny got a shrimp between her legs?"

"Don't be silly; Granny hasn't got a shrimp between her legs!" his mother replies.

But Little Johnny is insistent "She has, she has!" he shouts.

With this his mother grabs Little Johnny by the hand and says, "Ok, I have had enough of your foolishness. Show me!"

Little Johnny drags his mother into grandma's room where, being a very hot evening, Granny is fast asleep on top of her bed with no clothes on.

Little Johnny drags his mother to the end of the bed and points between Granny's legs. "Look I told you so" he says. "See the little shrimp!"

His mother calmly decides she had better explain. "OK, Johnny, I know it looks a bit like a little shrimp but it's called a clitoris."

That's funny" retorts Little Johnny "It tastes like shrimp..."

[bigbirdbird]

Field Trip


One day, a class of third graders from the city was taking a field trip to the country to visit a small farm.

The kids were amazed to see all the different kinds of animals on the farm.

So, the farmer asks one little girl, "What's the difference between a rooster and a hen?"

"The hen lays eggs." replied the little girl. "Very good!" said the farmer.

Then the farmer asked another little girl, "What's the difference between a duck and a turkey?"

"Well," replied the little girl. "Turkeys can't swim and turkeys are what we have on Thanksgiving Day."

"Very good!" exclaimed the farmer.

Then he asks little Johnny, "Do you know the difference between a bull and a cow?"

"Yes, I do" replied little Johnny from the city. "Bulls smile when you milk them."

[bigbirdbird]

My friend Felix is still out there job hunting.

He says he always has a problem when filling out the job application and gets to the part about 'Sex: F or M.'

He says he never knows which to choose --
He says he really likes to Fuck, but he spends most of the time alone Masterbating.

[doxxing]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

My friend Felix is still out there job hunting.

He says he always has a problem when filling out the job application and gets to the part about 'Sex: F or M.'

He says he never knows which to choose --
He says he really likes to Fuck, but he spends most of the time alone Masterbating.

haha simple nice joke. Thanks bro.

[ligasantander]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Field Trip


One day, a class of third graders from the city was taking a field trip to the country to visit a small farm.

The kids were amazed to see all the different kinds of animals on the farm.

So, the farmer asks one little girl, "What's the difference between a rooster and a hen?"

"The hen lays eggs." replied the little girl. "Very good!" said the farmer.

Then the farmer asked another little girl, "What's the difference between a duck and a turkey?"

"Well," replied the little girl. "Turkeys can't swim and turkeys are what we have on Thanksgiving Day."

"Very good!" exclaimed the farmer.

Then he asks little Johnny, "Do you know the difference between a bull and a cow?"

"Yes, I do" replied little Johnny from the city. "Bulls smile when you milk them."

Bro biird, thank you for nice jokes. Hope can share more.

[StrongBrew]

"I think I have a problem, Doc," says a patient. "One of my balls has turned blue."The doctor examines the man briefly and concludes that the patient will die if he doesn't have his testicle removed."Are you crazy?!" bursts the patient. "How could I let you do such a thing to me!""You want to die?" asks the doctor rhetorically, at which point the patient has to agree to have his testicle removed.Two weeks after the operation, the patient comes back. "Doc, I don't know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue, too."Again, the doctor tells him that if he wants to live, his other testicle must be cut off, too. Again, the man is very resistant to the idea."Hey, you want to die?" asks the doctor, and the patient has to agree with the operation.After two weeks of being testicle-less, the patient returns to the doctor and says, "I think something is very wrong with me. My penis is now completely blue."
After briefly examining the patient, the doctor gives him the bad news: If he wants to live, his penis has to go. Of course, the patient does not want to hear about it."You want to die?" asks the doctor."But...how do I pee?""We'll install a plastic pipe, and there will be no problem."So the patient has his penis removed, and, a while after the operation, the unfortunate man enters the doctor's office again.He is very angry."Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue!""What?""Can you tell me what the hell is happening??"The doctor examines the patient more carefully and says,"Hmmm, I don't know. Maybe it could be the jeans that you are wearing?"

[StrongBrew]

An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD."The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"

[StrongBrew]

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."The old man says without hesitation "I now pronounce you man and wife".

[StrongBrew]

There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, "Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?" The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop." Not paying much attetion, the man says, "Sure, ok." So he gets on the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking. Then he says, "Thank God, thank God," and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, "Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God" and the horse just takes off. Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop. "Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!" Finally he remembers, "Amen!!" The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. Then the man leans back in the saddle and says, "Thank God."

[sms96]

Originally Posted by StrongBrew

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."The old man says without hesitation "I now pronounce you man and wife".

Nice joke bro, thanks!

[ngycc]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

My friend Felix is still out there job hunting.

He says he always has a problem when filling out the job application and gets to the part about 'Sex: F or M.'

He says he never knows which to choose --
He says he really likes to Fuck, but he spends most of the time alone Masterbating.

So he circles both?

[StrongBrew]

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.""No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?""It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded."I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?""I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."He said, "Do you have a real grudge?""No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.""Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?""Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.""Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?""Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

[tianshuimaster]

Originally Posted by StrongBrew

"I think I have a problem, Doc," says a patient. "One of my balls has turned blue."The doctor examines the man briefly and concludes that the patient will die if he doesn't have his testicle removed."Are you crazy?!" bursts the patient. "How could I let you do such a thing to me!""You want to die?" asks the doctor rhetorically, at which point the patient has to agree to have his testicle removed.Two weeks after the operation, the patient comes back. "Doc, I don't know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue, too."Again, the doctor tells him that if he wants to live, his other testicle must be cut off, too. Again, the man is very resistant to the idea."Hey, you want to die?" asks the doctor, and the patient has to agree with the operation.After two weeks of being testicle-less, the patient returns to the doctor and says, "I think something is very wrong with me. My penis is now completely blue."
After briefly examining the patient, the doctor gives him the bad news: If he wants to live, his penis has to go. Of course, the patient does not want to hear about it."You want to die?" asks the doctor."But...how do I pee?""We'll install a plastic pipe, and there will be no problem."So the patient has his penis removed, and, a while after the operation, the unfortunate man enters the doctor's office again.He is very angry."Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue!""What?""Can you tell me what the hell is happening??"The doctor examines the patient more carefully and says,"Hmmm, I don't know. Maybe it could be the jeans that you are wearing?"

Hahaha what a doctor!!

[TvampT]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Granny and Shrimp





Little Johnny runs into the living room one day and says, "Mom, why has Granny got a shrimp between her legs?"

"Don't be silly; Granny hasn't got a shrimp between her legs!" his mother replies.

But Little Johnny is insistent "She has, she has!" he shouts.

With this his mother grabs Little Johnny by the hand and says, "Ok, I have had enough of your foolishness. Show me!"

Little Johnny drags his mother into grandma's room where, being a very hot evening, Granny is fast asleep on top of her bed with no clothes on.

Little Johnny drags his mother to the end of the bed and points between Granny's legs. "Look I told you so" he says. "See the little shrimp!"

His mother calmly decides she had better explain. "OK, Johnny, I know it looks a bit like a little shrimp but it's called a clitoris."

That's funny" retorts Little Johnny "It tastes like shrimp..."

ROFL little Johnny again!!

[sms96]

Originally Posted by ilovelife.now

A gay couple travelling on a plane

A gay couple (Jerry and Tom) are travelling on a plane.

"What if we had sex?" asks Jerry.

"Are you crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it..."

"Nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!"

Jerry stands up and asks loudly:

"Could I have a napkin, please?"

Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc. Flight attendants pretend to not hear them, as they also don't give a damn.

"They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Tom.

So Jerry and Tom have wild sex on the plane.

Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth.

"Sir, you should've asked for a bag!"

"I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a napkin and he got fucked in the ass..."

This is funny too, thanks!!