Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[ah rat]

My Last Job Interview 💡

OFFICER:- What is your name?

Me :- M.P. sir

OFFICER:- In full please

Me:- Marvin Paul

OFFICER:- Your father's name?

Me:- M.P. sir

OFFICER:- What does that mean?

Me:- Martin Paul

OFFICER:- What is your qualification?

Me:- M.P.

OFFICER:- (angry) What is that?!!!

Me:- Maths and Physics

OFFICER:- So why do you need a job?

Me:- It is because of M.P. sir

OFFICER: Meaning?

Me:- Money Problem

OFFICER:- Would you explain yourself and stop wasting my time? What's your personality like?

Me: MP sir.

OFFICER: And what is that?

Me:- Marvelous Personality

OFFICER:- I see... I will get back to you.

Me:- Sir, how was M.P. sir?

OFFICER:- And what's that again?

Me:- My Performance.

OFFICER:- I think you have M.P.

Me:- What’s that?

OFFICER:- Mental Problem!!!

Don't laugh alone.
Send this to M.P. (Many People) those are saved in your M.P. (Mobile Phone)
to put a smile on their faces.

I have sent this to u because u are M.P. (My People)
😜🤡😜🤡

[Hurricane88]

Good morning... more laughters...

[Elliotz]

Originally Posted by ah rat

My Last Job Interview 💡

OFFICER:- What is your name?

Me :- M.P. sir

OFFICER:- In full please

Me:- Marvin Paul

OFFICER:- Your father's name?

Me:- M.P. sir

OFFICER:- What does that mean?

Me:- Martin Paul

OFFICER:- What is your qualification?

Me:- M.P.

OFFICER:- (angry) What is that?!!!

Me:- Maths and Physics

OFFICER:- So why do you need a job?

Me:- It is because of M.P. sir

OFFICER: Meaning?

Me:- Money Problem

OFFICER:- Would you explain yourself and stop wasting my time? What's your personality like?

Me: MP sir.

OFFICER: And what is that?

Me:- Marvelous Personality

OFFICER:- I see... I will get back to you.

Me:- Sir, how was M.P. sir?

OFFICER:- And what's that again?

Me:- My Performance.

OFFICER:- I think you have M.P.

Me:- What’s that?

OFFICER:- Mental Problem!!!

Don't laugh alone.
Send this to M.P. (Many People) those are saved in your M.P. (Mobile Phone)
to put a smile on their faces.

I have sent this to u because u are M.P. (My People)
😜🤡😜🤡

Thanks bro!!

[Automic]

Originally Posted by ah rat

My Last Job Interview 💡

OFFICER:- What is your name?

Me :- M.P. sir

OFFICER:- In full please

Me:- Marvin Paul

OFFICER:- Your father's name?

Me:- M.P. sir

OFFICER:- What does that mean?

Me:- Martin Paul

OFFICER:- What is your qualification?

Me:- M.P.

OFFICER:- (angry) What is that?!!!

Me:- Maths and Physics

OFFICER:- So why do you need a job?

Me:- It is because of M.P. sir

OFFICER: Meaning?

Me:- Money Problem

OFFICER:- Would you explain yourself and stop wasting my time? What's your personality like?

Me: MP sir.

OFFICER: And what is that?

Me:- Marvelous Personality

OFFICER:- I see... I will get back to you.

Me:- Sir, how was M.P. sir?

OFFICER:- And what's that again?

Me:- My Performance.

OFFICER:- I think you have M.P.

Me:- What’s that?

OFFICER:- Mental Problem!!!

Don't laugh alone.
Send this to M.P. (Many People) those are saved in your M.P. (Mobile Phone)
to put a smile on their faces.

I have sent this to u because u are M.P. (My People)
😜🤡😜🤡

Hi bro, I think you have M.P. too..........Many Potentials

[bigbirdbird]

In a small town in the south of Ireland, there were two churches, as there always are in small towns in the south of Ireland, a small, modest Protestant church and a large, fancy Catholic church.

On a certain Saturday, the Catholic priest came down with the flu and he called and asked the Protestant pastor to substitute for him at Mass on the following Sunday. The pastor told the priest that he would like to help, but he knew nothing of the Catholic faith or the rituals of the Mass. The Priest responded that there were several alter boys and priests in training who would help him through the rough spots, but he really needed the pastor, because a rousing sermon was the thing his congregation needed the most. Somewhat reluctantly, the pastor agreed.

The priest then asked him to do the
confession after the Mass. At this, the pastor drew the line and said that confession was the one thing he would not do, first, because it was in conflict with his own faith and, second, he was certain that he could not keep all of the various penances straight. The priest responded that he too sometimes had difficulty remembering all of the various punishments, but he had written them all down in a small book, which he had hidden under the seat. If a person said: "Forgive me Father, I have sinned. I have done "this", "that" and "the other thing", he simply had to look them up and give the person his or her punishment. Still feeling somewhat uneasy about it, the pastor finally agreed.

On the next day, the mass went surprisingly well. The helpers helped him at all of the right times and the congregation responded to his sermon very well. He had chosen "The 10 Commandments" because it always goes over well. With slightly sweating palms, he finished the Mass and slowly made his way into the confessional booth.

The first person, a young woman, said: "Forgive me Father, I have sinned. I have done "A", "B" and "C"" and, sure enough, he found all of the sins and their individual punishments clearly written out in the priest's neat handwriting. It went the same way for each and every person that followed and he found that he rather enjoyed listening in to all of these people's private lives. Up to the last person, that is.

An older man came into the booth, sat down and began: "Forgive me Father, I have sinned. I know that I should not have done it but I have had anal intercourse once again." The pastor looked up "anal intercourse" in the book. It wasn't there! He fervently tried "sodomy", "butt fucking", "rectal sex" and everything else he could think of but none of them were in the book! He excused himself and ran into the priest's small office and called him on the telephone.

When the priest answered, he said: "Quick, tell me, what do you give for "anal sex"? The priest thought about it and responded, slowly: "Well, it all depends. Sometimes a candy bar. Sometimes an ice cream cone. But usually not money."

[bigbirdbird]

Tarzan leaves the jungle, comes to civilization, and applies for a job.

Interviewer: Name?

Tarzan: Me Tarzan

Interviewer: Married?

Tarzan: Wife Jane

Interviewer: Children?

Tarzan: Son boy

Interviewer: Anything else to your name besides Tarzan?

Tarzan: Tarzan, King of the Jungle

Interviewer: Jane's Whole Name

Tarzan: Jane's Hole named Pussy

[bigbirdbird]

In every romantic relationship there comes a time to meet the parents.

The stress of wondering if they will like and accept you can lead to embarrassing misstatements.

To help you avoid some of the most common conversational pitfalls I've compiled a list of the Top Ten things not to say to your girlfriend's parents when you meet them for the first time:


10. Gee, Pops, you're not nearly as big an asshole as your daughter said you are.

9. Wazzzaaaaap!

8. The water in your toilet tastes funny.

7. You got a spoon and a lighter I can borrow? I left mine at home.

6. No... No... It's OK. I kinda like it when your dog humps my leg.

5. Your daughter is attractive, but have you seen the tits on her friend Joanne?

4. Hi, Mr. Jones. I'm Bob. This is Chuck, George, Steve and the midget is Sam. Is Sally ready?

3. (While honking horn in driveway) Hey! I'm waiting out here! Send the bitch out!

2. You should be proud, Mr. And Mrs. Smith, you've raised a good girl. I can't get her to blow me no matter what I say.


And the number 1 thing not to say when you meet your boy or girlfriend's parents for the first time:

1. Man, living under the same roof with a piece of ass like that, I bet you wish you were anyone else but her father.

[bigbirdbird]

A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other.

After a few drinks, they went back to the tall woman's apartment. "I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said the woman, "especially with the size difference and all."

"Just take off your cloths, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart, and close your eyes," said the midget.

The woman obliged, and soon she felt the biggest thing she'd ever experienced inside her. Within a few minutes, the woman had eight orgasms.

"If you think that was good," said the midget with a smirk, "just wait until I get BOTH legs in there!"

[AgentLowRain]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Tarzan leaves the jungle, comes to civilization, and applies for a job.

Interviewer: Name?

Tarzan: Me Tarzan

Interviewer: Married?

Tarzan: Wife Jane

Interviewer: Children?

Tarzan: Son boy

Interviewer: Anything else to your name besides Tarzan?

Tarzan: Tarzan, King of the Jungle

Interviewer: Jane's Whole Name

Tarzan: Jane's Hole named Pussy

Very honest Tarzan

[bigbirdbird]

An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course & heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house. As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

COLD BEER: $5.00
HAMBURGER: $10.00
CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $18.50
HAND JOB: $250.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar & beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. “Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “May I help?"

The old golfer leans over the bar & whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?” She looks into his wrinkled eyes & with a wide smile purrs, “Yes sir, I sure am.”

The old golfer leans in even closer & into her left ear
says softly: “Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger.”

[Hurricane88]

A young Arab boy asks his dad "what are you wearing on your head?"

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects my entire body."

The son then asked: "But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?”

"These are 'babouches' my son,” the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These babouches keep us from burning our feet."

Son asks "what is that black tent mom and sister are wearing ?"

Father :" It's called a burkha , it helps the hot desert sand from hitting the face and body during a sandstorm" .

"So tell me then," added the boy.

"Yes, my son…”

"Why are we living in Birmingham and still wearing all this shit?

[StrongBrew]

On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods, the golfer."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."
The couple then makes passionate love.
When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time.
When they finish, he goes back to the phone.
"What are you doing now?" she asks.
"I'm still hungry, so I'm going to ring room service for some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."
The husband puts the phone down and heads back to bed.
Exhausted after the third lovemaking session, he shuffles back to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"

[StrongBrew]

One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again, she seems okay but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side.
The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.
This goes on all morning.
Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.
"It’s pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won’t let you fart."

[StrongBrew]

We went to see a movie the other night.
I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels a little roomier.
Just as the feature was about to start, a blonde from the center of the row got up and started working her way out.
“Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me.”
By the time she got to me, I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient, so I said, “Couldn’t you have done this a little earlier?”
“No!” she said in a loud whisper. “The ‘TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE’ message just flashed up on the screen and mine is in the car.”

[GoldTeeth]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

A young Arab boy asks his dad "what are you wearing on your head?"

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects my entire body."

The son then asked: "But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?”

"These are 'babouches' my son,” the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These babouches keep us from burning our feet."

Son asks "what is that black tent mom and sister are wearing ?"

Father :" It's called a burkha , it helps the hot desert sand from hitting the face and body during a sandstorm" .

"So tell me then," added the boy.

"Yes, my son…”

"Why are we living in Birmingham and still wearing all this shit?

Wahahahaa nice share bro