Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Ruffles]

Investment 101

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad
news, the donkey died.’

Chuck replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’

The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.’

Chuck said, ‘OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.’

The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with him?

Chuck said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’

The farmer said ‘You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!’

Chuck said, ‘Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, ‘What happened
with that dead donkey?’

Chuck said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars
apiece and made a profit of $898.00.’

The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’

Chuck said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.’

Chuck now works for Goldman Sachs

[Ruffles]

Sales

When the store manager returned from lunch, he
noticed his clerk’s hand was bandaged, but before
he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he
had some very good news for him.

“Guess what, sir?” the clerk said. “I finally sold that
terrible, ugly suit we’ve had so long!”

“Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue
double-breasted thing?” the manager asked.

“That’s the one!”

That’s great!” the manager cried, “I thought we’d never
get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest
suit we’ve ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand
bandaged?”

“Oh,” the clerk replied, “after I sold the guy that suit,
his guide dog bit me.”

[Ruffles]

Laws

These are the unavoidable laws of the natural universe…

1. Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with
grease, your nose will begin to itch or you will have to pee.

2. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the
least accessible corner.

3. Law of probability: The probability of ‘being watched’ is directly
proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get
a busy signal.

5. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work
because you had a flat tire, the very next morning or soon
thereafter, you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you
were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
(Happens every time).

7. Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water or in the
shower, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you
know increases when you are with someone you do not want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine
won’t work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely
proportional to the reach.

11. Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest
from the aisle arrive last.

12. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee,
your boss will ask you to do something, which will last until the
coffee is cold.

13. Murphy’s Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker
room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly
sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly
correlated to the newness, color and cost of the carpet/rug.

15. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

16. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don’t know
what you are talking about.

17. Brown’s Law: If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.

18. Wilson’s Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like,
they will stop making it.

[beary]

Whatever happened to our favorite Disney characters?

MICKEY MOUSEied of venereal disease after visiting multiple prostitutes because Minnie said "No" for 50 years.

DONALD DUCK:Served as a main course at Epcot's China Pavilion.

PLUTO:Caught by dogcatchers, put to sleep after he was never claimed.

GOOFY:Assassinated during first term as President of the United States.

SCROOGE McDUCKied in extreme poverty after being audited by the IRS.

HUEY, DEWEY & LOUIE:Involved in an underground child pornography ring.

CHIP & DALE:Extracted from Richard Gere's colon.

SNOW WHITE:Fell for the "apple trick" again.

DOPEY:'nuff said.

SNEEZYied of pneumonia with Jim Henson.

GRUMPY:Executed after gunning down 15 people in a local McDonalds.

HAPPY:Killed by insane gunman at a local McDonalds.

DOC:Was sued for malpractice, lived the rest of his life living under bridges and eating out of used cat food cans.

SLEEPY:Never woke up.BASHFUL:Now a stripper with the Chippendales.

MARY POPPINS:Shot down over Iraqui airspace.

CHRISTOPHER ROBIN:Male prostitute, died of a heroin overdose.

WINNIE THE POOH:Had a heart attack caused by a cholesterol level of 570.

PIGLET:Gunned down in a mafia hit.

RABBITied of an aneurism while watching over his garden.

EEYORE:Committed suicide.

TIGGER:Accidentally bounced off the edge of a cliff.

PETER PAN:Christopher Robin's lover, committed suicide in despair.

TINKERBELL:Caught by some kid who forgot to punch holes in the lid.

[beary]

The company hires a new man. He was supposed to start work on a Monday, but instead of showing up, he calls his boss. "I'm sick," he says. Boss excuses him.

Man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, greatly impressing everyone with his diligence and ability.

The next Monday, he once again calls his boss. "I'm sick," he says. Boss reluctantly excuses him, but notices that this is the second Monday in a row.

Once again, the man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, even faster and better than the previous week.

The following Monday, he calls his boss again. "I'm sick." Boss excuses him, but decides to call the man to task on Tuesday.

Tuesday comes and as soon as the man shows up, the boss calls him into his office.

"What gives?" asks the boss. "I can see you're a hard worker, but you've only been here three weeks and you've called in sick every Monday."

Man says, "Well, my sister is in a bad marriage and I go over to console her every Monday morning before work. One thing leads to another and we end up making love all day long."

"Your sister!?!" says the boss. "That's disgusting!"

Man says, "I *told* you I was sick."

[beary]

SEX QUIZ FOR REAL MEN

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

[beary]

Phil wanted a new birth control method and his doctor suggested a vasectomy. Phil agreed and the doctor said he could perform the operation in his office.

At a crucial moment during the procedure, one of Phil's testicles fell to the floor, and the nurse, who was wearing high heels, accidentally stepped on it and crushed it. The doctor noticed a jar of pickled onions on his nurse's desk and realized it was the right size and weight, so he placed it in Phil's scrotum and completed the operation.

A few months later, Phil returned for a check up. When the doctor asked how things were going. Phil replied, "Pretty good, Doc. At least my wife's not pregnant, but there are some strange side effects. Every time we make love, my wife gets heartburn; when I pee, my eyes water; and whenever I pass a hamburger stand, I have an erection."

[beary]

A Kentucky State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer?'

The trooper asks: 'What are you doing?' The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine.'

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says:

'And her, what is she doing?'

The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.'

Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane ... And nothing obscene is happening!

The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man?'

The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.'

The trooper asks: 'And her .... what's her age?'

The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.. '

[Roman city]

While doing renovations to the basement of his house, a man discovers a bottle tucked underneath the staircase. Rubbing the sides of it to remove all the dust and dirt somehow activated it – and a Genie appears. “Oh thank you, I am so relieved to get out of that bottle, you have no idea.” Startled, the man takes a moment to take in what has happened and says “Is it true you grant me a wish for setting you free?” The Genie replies, “Absolutely correct… what did you want?”

The man stood there contemplating his wish. Looking around he found an old globe of the world and picked it up. “I want there to be world peace… no more fighting or war.” The Genie shakes his head, “Come on, that’s a real back breaker, I’m not even sure I have the power to do something that massive.” Being understanding the man thinks again. He walks over to a picture that was resting against a wall, picked it up, and showed it to the Genie. “I wish you could make my wife stunningly beautiful.” Looking at the picture the Genie replies, “Let me see that globe again.”

[ah rat]

Failure is not when your girlfriend leaves you,
it's only when you leave her a virgin.

Tension is when wife is pregnant!
Terror is when girlfriend is pregnant!
Horror is when both are pregnant!
Tragedy is when you are not responsible for both!

The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of sperm when mating.
Only 10% enters the female.
And you always wondered why the sea tasted salty?

Why is it that a girl looks down when you say I love you?
To see if you really mean it!

Why is sex similar to shaving?
Well, because no matter how well you do it today,
tomorrow you have to do it again.

Wives are funny creatures. They don't have sex
with their husbands for weeks and then they
want to kill the woman who does.

Wife: My hubby & I have, what he calls - 'Olympic sex'.
Friend: Wow, must be a terrific sex life?
Wife: Not really. It only happens once in 4 years.

This week is Breast Awareness Week.
Spread the slogan~
"We stare because we care!"

A loud scream comes from the bedroom
and the husband runs in. He sees a guy
leaping out of the window.
Wife yells: That guy just sc**wed me twice!
Husband: Twice? Why didn't you call me in after
he sc**wed you once?
Wife: Because I thought it was you,
until he started the second time.

What is the difference between
a chicken and a baby?
Chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the
baby is the result of standing c**k.

If a bomb bursts in a bra, what would you get?
~ Tit-Bits.
And if it bursts in a man's underwear?
~ Banana split.

What's the difference between a bomb & a condom?
In a bomb blast, population decreases and
if a condom blasts, population increases.

[beary]

A vibrator doesn't have an orgasm first and then just stop "vibrating."

Vibrators are never too busy watching the game on tv.

Batteries are cheaper than pick up trucks!!

When we're done with them we can stuff them back in the drawer and not hear from them until we're ready.

It's happy to keep going until we're satisfied.

We can get a bigger one or one that has better options whenever we want without being called a slut.

Position is your choice, not his.

It always is hard.

It doesn't leave a mess behind.

You don't have to wear an ill fitting teddy to excite it.

It doesn't care that you gained 10 lbs.

It doesn't fall asleep and snore in your ear afterwards.

You don't have to clean up the apartment before bringing it home.

Vibrators are better then men because ...

They don't get tired after the first time

They never poke you in the back in the morning to see if you are in the mood.

Vibrators are better then men because in the morning you don't have to fix it breakfast.

Safe sex without a rubber

A couple batteries and you don't have to put up with the shit, just turn it off when you get done with it !

As long as you have a new pack of energizers the vibrator can keep going and going and going! (while you keep coming and coming!)
Vibrators are portable so you can do it anytime, anywhere you want!!

They don't burp, fart, belch or fall asleep on you.

You don't have to dress up for your vibrator.

You can show it off to your friends.

They never wake up at 4 a.m. asking for another one

It doesn't leave a wet spot.

It can be stashed away in a drawer.

It doesn't have a mother!!

It doesn't require "a little lip action" to get hard.

You know exactly where it's been.

Vibrators don't care if you get crumbs in the bed.

They never come before you do.

[birdie8819]

A little truck driver was driving when he saw a sign on a farmer's gate post that read "$100.00 to anyone that can make my horse shake his head no."

He stops and goes to the farmer and says, "I can make your horse shake his head no." "Well," says the farmer, "No one has ever been able to do it before so have a go."

The driver picks up two flat rocks, moves to his rear end and slams the horse's nuts between the rocks.

Then he whispers into the horses ear. The horse shakes his head from side to side, No! The little driver goes into the farmer and says, "Well, I made him shake his head no. Give me my $100.00."

The farmer pays the wee chap and asks, "What did you say to him?" The little guy says, "I just asked him if he wanted me to do it again."

[birdie8819]

Top Ten Reasons To Go To Work Naked...


1. Your boss is always yelling,” I want to see your ass in here by 8:00!"

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

5. You want to see if it's like the dream.

6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

10. No one steals your chair.

[birdie8819]

An explorer is searching in the Amazon jungle for this lost tribe whose women are reputed to have vaginas that are three inches wide and twelve inches long.
Finally he finds the tribe and is invited to sit down with the chief.

"Is it correct,” he says to the chief,” that your women have vaginas that are three inches wide and twelve inches long?"

"That correct, man,” says the chief.

"However do you manage to have sex with women with vaginas that are three inches wide and twelve inches long?" inquires the explorer.

"The chief looks at him as if he were an idiot and says,

"They stretch, man. They stretch!"


**********


These three women were roommates. One night they all had all gone out on dates and all came home at about the same time. The blonde said, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."

The brunette said, "No, you know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."

The redhead said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck. She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!"

[birdie8819]

(The male author responds to a woman who accidentally walked into the men's rest room):

Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what were aiming for.

Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so I'll make sure I hit something.

You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe.

I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't be trusted.

After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.

Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding.

It's the dreaded "morning wood".

Most mornings us guys wake up with two things.

A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it.


Part One