Carnal Instinct!

[bbq1989]

Hello people,

this is my 2nd post in this forum, although i've been a member for quite some time. I am here mainly out of curiosity, and i can't bring myself to pay for sex. It feels really weird to do something so intimate, yet at the back of my mind, i know it's just a pure monetary transaction. I think visiting prostitution and having a FB is different, at least for the latter, there is some sort of chemistry and affection involved.

Anyway, that's just my view. This thread is started to inject a little bit of intellect in the discussion of sexual issues. Below is my own personal reflection on whether we are all looking for gf/bf to satisfy our sexual desires/needs. For me, i think when i am choosing my gf, sexual compatibility is critical, though not the only factor. My answer is therefore "yes and no", and below is an extended version explaining the two parts to my answer:

1. My answer is a no, i am not looking for a sexual partner. That will be rather hypocritical, and it wouldn't be useful. I am a strong believer that no matter how evolved human beings are, we are still subjected to the animalistic instinct. So what do I mean by that? When someone, no matter male or female, when he or she is looking for a potential partner, it is without doubt that sexual compatibility will be one of the most important factors that decides whether that relationship will come to fruition or not. It might not be well verbalized, or people are even resistant to admitting it, but to me, these are just denials. We might have evolved so much that we are very differentiated from our animal counterparts, but the fact remains that our conscious mind is only a mere one percent of our total brain power. A large part of our actions are still done or decided sub-consciously. Only a few remarkable ones, like Albert einstein, is able to bring that figure up to about three percent, but even then, the figure is still minute.

If you are interested, try reading the book "predictably irrational", where many examples are raised where as human, we make decisions based on instincts. Whether or not this is beneficial depends on the situation, but as this topic belongs to another discussion altogether, we shall leave it as that. Anyhow, the point is that it is only human to favor the idea that we are rational creatures, because the opposite to that is likely to be emotional, which does have some negative connotations associated with it, so we will always try our best to rationalize our irrationalities, no matter how preposterous. In the same light, humans will always try to rationalize the selection of their partners, not willing to leave it to instinct or to chance. But, are we really able to do that? Or are we instead being largely controlled by our sub-conscious and instinctive nature?

Many people try to make partner selection rational, by using a checklist or the likes, to find themselves the best possible mate. But, sexual attraction is often obscured and esoteric, something to be felt, not crystalized into tangible observations. That is why these people either stayed as a bachelorette or bachelor, being unable to find the perfect partner as they stuck obstinately to their checklist, or they will have to forsake part of what they desired when they find someone who appealed to me in a way that is not tangible enough to enable it to be articulated. This, in my opinion, is sexual appeal and sexual compatibility. He or she is sexually attracted to his or her partner, be it looks, figure, smell, or what-nots.

Because of my fundamental belief that sex is an inextricable aspect of a healthy and functioning relationship, and it drives a lot in the way we choose our partners, my answer cannot be a "no", and only "no". I cannot convince myself that when I am looking for a gf, I am not looking for someone who can satisfy my sexual needs.

2. My answer is a yes, and only a yes. That cannot be the case because the answer is not wholesome, that is, it does not tell the whole truth. Yes, I am looking for good sex when I am looking for my gf, someone who is able to turn me on, but that cannot be the only driving force, for otherwise the relationship will not survive much longer than the novelty. Human nature is such that, at least for what is increasingly commonplace amongst the youths nowadays, innovative things are more appealing. Extend the idea and it is not difficult to see how extra-marital affairs are hard to resist. It's the huge draw of the unknowns and freshness that humans are constantly yearning for. (recall what I said about human in the first part, where humans are more instinctive than rational? We know it is not right to betray one's partner, and the consequences can be disastrous, but many still went ahead)

That desire for novelty cannot be extricated, neither should it be so, or we will stop innovating and human will stop progressing as a race. But, being in a social institution where infidelity is not tolerated, how are we going to satisfy that need for new things? Something else must be present right? And that is why I am unable to say yes, I am looking for sex, and only sex.

For myself, the novelty comes in the form of intellectual stimulation and engagement. My partner must be able to challenge my ideas or the norms and get me thinking, albeit this is to be done, preferably, in an impersonal manner - that is, the argument has to be logical and free from personal prejudices. There must be a clear distinction between what is a logical proposition and a personal opinion, where the former will, naturally, generally be more well-accepted.

To sum it all, I am not just looking for sex when I am looking for a partner, although I wont even try to deny the fact that sex is an important, if not quintessential part of any long term committed partnership of two people of opposite gender. There are other things I am looking out for as well, which, if absent, will only cause the relationship to come to a premature end. Of course, if long term commitment is thrown out of the equation, then carnal instincts take over, and sex can become the most, and perhaps even the only important factor in determining who you get together with.

.....treading in dangerous waters here...hope i don't get shot down by brothers and sisters here who thinks I am just here to find trouble. =/

[Komuso]

TS, no offense, but your agenda (or thesis perhaps?) is a little unclear here. Some clarification on the following points would be appreciated:

1. What is the question you are asking specifically? I'm assuming there's a specific question you have in mind because you used the phrase 'my answer is...'
2. Are you suggesting 2 different possible answers to your question (hence the division into 2 parts, 'yes' and 'no'), elaborating on two components of the same answer, or two different perspectives from which to view one singular answer?
3. Have you raised this issue to inquire what readers think of your answer, what their own answers would be, or both?

I find it an interesting topic though, and I'm keen to engage you on it, if you are prepared to reason in depth. I appreciate your effort at attempting to discuss sexual relations in a reasonable manner, as such attempts are rare on this forum. Although some might say such reasoning amounts to nothing more than beating about the bush over a simple act of pleasure, I think it doesn't hurt just to put a little more thought into it.